Director: Roger Corman
Starring: Richard Garland, Pamela Duncan, Russell Johnson
Reckon I’m long overdue for one of these things aren’t I. Sorry. Struggling to even write a shopping list at the moment, but here goes… This time I’m going to sail us to the island of a Corman cheapie. Might stay awhile so bring yer cozzie just in case. May contain a crafty crustacean or two and spoilers…
I’m just not used to be chased around a mall in the middle of the night by killer robots.
Some concepts are just so ripe for cheesy entertainment. Take, for example, Chopping Mall. The formula is very, very easy and runs something like this: choose isolated location, which is extremely difficult to get out of. In this instance, a Shopping Mall after hours. Then, choose a group of young, hot protagonists, who all must be willing to disrobe at a moments notice. Find a reason for them to be stuck in the aforementioned location, say, a party in a closed furniture shop (which incidentally provides beds and whatnot for them to get down and dirty in). Finally add your unstoppable antagonist, which is manifested here in the form of three squat, homicidal and overly armed security robots. This formula is absolutely unfuckupable, and even someone with the very limited talents of Jim Wynorski should be able to manage to turn in a hugely entertaining film. Read More…
“The fire of the gods? I wonder what that could be”
Jarv’s Rating: 3 Murphs. Offensively awful rip off of Gremlins with all the charm of the fat cunt himself. Unamusing, unoriginal, worthless horseshit. Watch Critters instead if you really want to see Gremlins plagiarised.
Mrs. Jarv is a very patient woman. I’m sure that she thinks that I’m basically a retard, and worth only pity, but she has got a level of tolerance for my idiotic foibles that would put Mother Theresa to shame. This film is a case in point. Read More…
Director: Allan Holzman
Starring: Jesse Vint, June Chadwick, Linden Chiles
In some areas also known as Mutant, this is the second in my hugely popular ‘Waste Of Space’ trilogy. If I mention Forbidden World to anyone they’ll usually respond with (a) “Do you mean Forbidden Planet?” or (b)… Oh. There’s no (b). This movie should have been called and shall henceforth be known as Dingwhopper. I’ll hear no further arguments on the matter. That’s final.
Director: Bruce D Clarke
Starring: Edward Albert, Erin Moran, Ray Walston
Here we go, the first in a trilogy of space based shenanigans, beginning with a shocker (choose whichever connotation suits yer) from 1981. Generally, if I mention Galaxy Of Terror to anyone, I’ll get one of only two answers: (a) “Never heard of it – is it one of your shitty ‘80’s films?” or (b) “Is that the one where the woman gets raped by a giant maggot?” Yes. And, lord forgive us, yes.