A Droid Premiere: Triple 9 (2016)

Surprise! Yes, it’s your old mate Droid here with a review of the new film ‘Triple 9’. Since it’s been a surprisingly long time since I wrote one of these, I expect it to be pretty terrible. So… par for the course, really.

Here we go again- Halloween (2007)

You want to know what this film is? No? Well, I don’t care, I’m telling you anyway. It’s cinematic necrophilia.

Resurrection had killed the series, again, but much like it’s protagonist it simply couldn’t stay dead. The concept still made money, so there was a desire to continue it in some way. Thankfully, Busta Rhymes v Myers was so piss poor that it killed the idea of a sequel in that continuity stone dead, but there’s one thing Halloween has always done: latch on to current trends. Sadly, the trend in the second half of the last decade was driven by Platinum Dunes and involved heinously awful plastic remakes of classics (or otherwise) of the genre. We’ve had Nightmare on Elm St, The Fog, Dawn of the Dead (obligatory fuck you Snyder), Day of the Dead, Prom Night, The Hitcher, Hills Have Eyes, The Crazies (arguably the best of the trend), The Omen, Black Christmas, My Bloody Valentine, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and so on and so forth. What this dismal list has in common (aside from that a significant number of them were date based slashers spawned by the original Halloween), is that only The Crazies is a decent film, and most of them not only miss the point of the originals, but manage to be shiny, polished but ultimately entirely boring entries into the genre. 

A Droid Premiere: Robocop (2014)

When sat down to I write this review a few days ago, it was with the intention of not focusing solely on the fact that this is a remake of a great film and a personal favourite. I tried to accept the film on its own merits and not to compare the two films. I finished a draft, but it felt a little unsatisfactory. Like I hadn’t looked properly at the film, and instead, glossed over the big issues. Anyway, what is written below is the same review, but draft two, which hopefully addresses some of these issues. It’s more critical, and it does directly compare the two films. A lot. But only because the remake forces me to. But I guess the important thing is that the rating hasn’t changed. There’s just more context to why I gave it that rating. Anyway…

{INSERT USUAL RANT ABOUT UNECESSARY REMAKES HERE}

XIPHOS AND EVIL DEAD

I saw this on Sunday 7 April and here are my thoughts. This will be quick since everybody and probably their mothers know about the Evil Dead franchise so no back story mumbo jumbo from me.

Spanked by the Monkey: Planet of the Apes (2001)

Bah, I hate this film. I’m a long time fan of the Apes films, and even the rotten TV series to some extent, and was massively excited to see Tim  Burton was directing a remake of it. Tim Burton visuals and sensibilities on Planet of the Apes? This had to be mint. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. Burton didn’t want to do the film, and was effectively a hired gun director, and as a direct result, the Planet of the Apes remake was an unmitigated fiasco from start to finish. Although it did make a whole bucket of cash, it was so reviled that Fox dropped the axe on the proposed sequel. Burton’s remake, in all fairness, isn’t as truly abysmal as its reputation, but it is easily the worst Apes film, and it is, in every sense of the word, a franchise killer.

Contains insults to the intelligence and Spoilers below.

The Night of the Demons Series: The Remake 2010

What’s the point of this film? Seriously, someone tell me, why does this film exist? The original Night of the Demons films were cheap and cheerful schlockfests stuffed full of boob, gore, comedy and silliness. They were also made for practically  nothing, and coasted through on the charms of Amelia Kinkade as Angela, the hostess, quite literally, from hell. So, in 2009, some bright spark thought that it would be money in the bank to remake a mostly forgotten minor series, to update it for the kids in the 21st Century. Except they forgot one important thing: Night of the Demons without Amelia Kinkade is like reforming the Beatles with Julian Lennon in place of his father. Completely wrong, totally pointless and somewhat depressing.

Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Friday 13th (2009)

Welcome back to the series that has grown men crying like little girls. This journey has really been the stuff of nightmares, and in the future bloggers will no doubt use it to scare their children: “You behave yourself or I’ll make you review Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Series. It has tigers in hats in it”.

Scary.

Still, there’s been a suspicious amount of grade inflation going on recently, but surely this crappy remake of a fairly crappy original can’t get off Scot free. I mean, it’s Platinum Dunes, for fuck’s sake! This is a nailed on 0 film, and if there’s any shenanigans and suspicious 1.27 ratings, then well, really, I will step in.

Let’s see if such drastic measures will be necessary

Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: That Darn Cat (1997)

Welcome back to Just Pillow Talk’s ongoing movie series. I feel that he blames Droid entirely for this fiasco. With some justification. This time out, for a change, he’s got another Disney film, and this time it’s even more evil than one of the usual efforts that are inflicted on him.

When I was growing up, I loved the original That Darn Cat. It’s a light hearted 1950’s romp about a neighbourhood cat, the FBI and dubious mobsters. There’s a whole lot of heart to these shitty films. However, regarding the remake, well, let’s see…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Death Race (2008)

I’ve developed a new theory about Paul W.S. Anderson. I have decided that the persecution complex that I’d developed regarding him going out of his way to find material that I like to then rape in front of me was just nothing more than paranoia talking. Now, my new theory is this: he was bullied in school, and the kids that bullied him were into “cool” things like zombies etc. As a result of this, when he quite inexplicably managed to become a success as an adult, he went back and all his films now are an attempt to appeal to the lost little boy crying in the corner having been ignored by the cool clique. However, the reason that those kids ostracised the little twerp is that he has absolutely no concept about what made these subjects cool in the first place. Now, to disguise his ineptitude, he pretends that the remakes/ destruction of these very films are actually prequels to those original classics. So, in the case of the terrible first Resident Evil movie, he hasn’t botched the adaptation of the game, because his piss-poor cretinous version of it is really a prequel. Which brings me round to Death Race (release date 22nd August in the USA). I unashamedly love the Carradine/ Stallone original, being a wacky blend of dystopia, satire and all round craziness. Little touches such as Euthanasia Day at the hospital always make me smile and I do have to admit that when I heard that Anderson was helming the remake (sorry, prequel), a small piece of my childhood started crying before fetching the doll to show the officer where the bad man touched it.

The Grudgrilogy by Frank Marmoset

When someone dies in the grip of a powerful rage… A curse is born.

The curse gathers in that place of death.

Those who encounter it will be consumed by its fury.

And then they will make nine films about it.

But Frank will only review the three American ones… Because he’s lazy and too dumb for subtitles.