Tag Archive | monsters

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Society

We’re just one big happy family – except for a little incest and psychosis

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4. A savage social satire masquerading as a truly disgusting monster movie. It may be a tad unsubtle but, nevertheless, the final scene simply has to be seen to be believed. Honestly, I’m a bit traumatised now.

The late 80’s were arguably the most soulless time in history. Evil over hair-gelled bastards had proclaimed themselves as the Masters of the Universe and all completely missed the point of Wall Street and secretly really wanted to be Gordon Gecko. At the same time, the true evil of the “Hit Factory” was foisting manufactured bubblegum music on the world (we’re still suffering from the legacy of that), and this period represented the absolute apex of the Randian inspired cult of the individual. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that this was the most selfish and self-interested time that I’ve witnessed and not one that I feel particularly nostalgic for. At the same time, however, Brian Yuzna was also disgusted at what he saw, but luckily for the world he had both the experience and a platform to properly voice his disgust. The result? 1989’s scabrous satire Society- a film with a blazingly unsubtle message, but a hugely entertaining look at the rich as another kind of animal altogether.

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Post Millennial Trauma: The Mist (2007)

Quick confession time: I haven’t read the short story. I binged on Stephen King when I was a teenager, and then just sort of stopped and haven’t really had any urge to go back to them. Nevertheless, I’m assured that this is a cracking read, and regardless of that it has the proud boast of standing in the handful of  Stephen King adaptations that aren’t terrible alongside Stand by Me, Carrie, The Shining and Misery (before anyone says anything, I really don’t like The Green Mile). Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: House

He’s here, somewhere in this house

Jarv’s Rating: 2 and a half Changs out of 4, and I’ve got a feeling that I am being unfair on it. A fun but flawed monster movie.

House is a film that I’ve been meaning to see for years, and just never got round to it for one reason or another. So, in the interests of completion and because I’m pig fucking sick of watching the ninth rate crap that passes for video game adaptations, I finally put it on, and I am glad that I’ve corrected this oversight. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations Part 4: Doom

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I am horrified to tell you that in exactly 90 minutes we will run out of fuel and enter a sickening nosedive towards the earth. As we don’t want you to be bored for our last time on this planet, I’ve instructed the stewardess to play our in flight movie, Doom, again for you…”

“What’s that? One passenger says he’d rather be splattered all over the landscape right now than watch that film?”

Yup, it’s that bad.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Infestation

” I’m a student… of Shiatsu massage”


Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs out of 4. Most Enjoyable.

After the pain and suffering inflicted on me by that talentless sack of cocks Fulci’s The Black Cat on Sunday, I decided that I needed a break from watching complete shit. So I rewatched this little gem from 2009.

It’s funny, but I held off reviewing this at the time, because learned scribe Echo the Bunnyman reviewed it elsewhere and my semi-coherent ranting pales in comparison to his proper critical prose. But I feel that enough time has passed for me to share my thoughts with the class. Read More…

Droid defines the Decades best movies – #10 The Descent (2005)

The Descent Poster I think it’s well established that I don’t like horror films. Other than a select few, I find the majority of them insultingly stupid, badly made and terribly acted. Sometimes I’ll watch them to laugh at their ineptitude, or in the case of ‘House of Wax’, to see Paris Hilton brutally murdered. ‘The Descent’ is one of the rarities of the genre. It’s smart, well written, features great performances and most of all, is masterfully directed.

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Jarv’s Top 10 2000-2009. Number 7: The Descent

I said it about schlock, but I’m going to repeat it about Horror: this has been a terrible decade. Horror is, I believe, more problematic than Schlock as people will always make fun rubbish (intentionally or unintentionally). Horror, however, suffers from “trends”. What tends to happen is that one particular subgenre will be popular and, as Horror costs next to nothing to make, profitable. This in term brings all the scumbag cash in merchants out of the woodwork to bang out endless inferior copies that are a little bit like the original successful film. The predictable and depressing end result of this is that we get “movements” (I can’t think of a better description) that dominate the genre for about 6 years until saturation point is reached and the genre lurches into the new subgenre. Don’t believe me? Look at postmodernism in the 90’s- in the beginning there was Scream then Scream 2 and 3, the I Know films, Cherry Falls, Urban Legend etc. Read More…

From the Vault: Schlock in the 21st Century

This century hasn’t been kind to schlock. Needless to say, here’s a list of some I recommend and some I really, really don’t. Some of these I’ve already reviewed, some I haven’t. It’s not a top ten, rather just films from the bargain bucket that I think are worth a look. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Ticks


They call me “Panic” ’cause I never do.

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4

Once again, to take a small break from the never-ending lists, I’ve decided to review a schlock film. Read More…