Tag Archive | monster

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Jeepers Creepers (August 23rd Central Europe)is a problematic film to review. It’s an OK movie, don’t get me wrong on this, and I did quite like it until I happened to find out a few salient points about the director, Victor Salva. There’s a whole level of discourse that has gone on over the years about separating the artist from the work, but it’s something that I’ve always struggled with. It’s a bit of a shame actually, that I now look back at films such as Jeepers Creepers with the knowledge that Salva is a convicted paedophile of the rankest kind having served a pathetic reduced sentence for filming the abuse of a 12 year old boy. Still, I’ll do my best.

Contains rubbish songs from 1938 and spoilers below

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: DeepStar 6

Well, at least Snyder will get his name in the Guinness book of records. I mean, causing two nuclear explosions in one afternoon has to be some sort of record. 

I’m a big fan of monster films, and 1989 was a good year for them. With the advent of Cameron’s Aliens under the ocean fiesta The Abyss, two other studios rushed their films into production to try to latch on to the end  of all that lovely salty money. The first was Leviathan, which I reviewed here ages ago, and I still rate it as a cracking little film. The second, and the subject of today’s vault review is DeepStar 6. Both of these films have more in common with each other than they do with the Abyss, being as they are both about large and angry beasts eating stranded crew than the more benign and helpful underwater monsters in the Abyss. The threat in Cameron’s effort is very much from the humans on board, but here it’s all about the monsters picking off our hapless stereotypes one by one.

Angry sea monsters and spoilers lurk below the waterline

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Reeker

I’m afraid of psycho desert crackheads who hunt small animals with Dahmer’s garden tools.

Occasionally on my wanders through the dregs of cinema, I come  across an idea so monstrously ill-conceived and completely insane that it literally makes me pause the film, go and get a beer, and attempt to drink said beer while debating the merits of said idea. In the  case of Reeker, this idea is so, so preposterously bad that I’m almost at a loss for words, because I cannot in the life of me (outside of Shrooms) think of another film that intentionally uses a device as massively, inordinately, unbelievably stupid as this one. Someone really needs to sit director David Payne down and just ask him a very simple question:

“What the fuck were you playing at, and why in the name of everything sacred and holy did you think this was a good idea?” Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Feast

It’s just, it’s been a while since someone’s been horribly killed, and it seems like an opportune time for someone to be… well… offed.

Jarv’s Rating: 1 Chang. This is a film that should be right up my alley. It’s got monsters and gore and should, therefore, be something that I love. Unfortunately, it’s nowhere near as clever as it thinks it is, and it is just so amazingly mean-spirited, juvenile and “ironic” that it leaves a deeply unpleasant taste in the mouth. This is not fun.

 One of the worst developments of the 21st Century was the rise of the “talent” show. It started in the UK with the execrable Pop Stars, which morphed into Pop Idol, then the X-factor, and inflicted such musical noteworthy types as Hear’Say,  Gareth G-G-G-Gates (yes, I am being rude about someone with a stutter), Girls Aloud and Leona Lewis on us. Thankfully most of the shower “acts” produced by them tend to sink without trace. America, however, being America does the same crap on a much bigger scale. Not only is American Idol still up and running, but they also applied the same formula to other sections of the arts- including cinema. In this case, Project Greenlight was a series designed to give wannabe writers and directors a shot at the big time. Feast was the winner of the third series. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Boogens

You had to let them out!

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs. Funny stuff.

The Boogens must be the single stupidest title that I’ve seen for a horror movie. For a start, the vaguely onomatopoeic sound of “boogen” is just silly and it most puts me in mind of snotty kids on public transport. Not scary. Nevertheless, this is a fun film, being simultaneously dreadful and amusing. It’s got some quality b-movie actors, a very silly script, a truly laughable monster and was clearly made for peanuts. It’s a cracking little early 80’s schlock, and boy is it schlocky. Read More…

Xtro 2: The Second Encounter (1990)

Director: Harry Bromley Davenport

Starring: Jan-Michael Vincent, Paul Koslo, Tara Buckman

Why bother? Furthermore, why not just call the movie Xtros and have done with it? Oh, wait, I know why…

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Leviathan

 

 I realise you must have gone through hell. 

Gone, Bitch! We’re still here!

  

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs out of 4. Enjoyable monster film. 

Recently, much against my better judgement, I’ve been revisting things I saw on VHS when a child that I remember really enjoying. I always find this to be a somewhat risky proposition; on one hand there’s been the undeniably classic Split Second, but on the other there’s also been the somewhat disappointing Critters 2. Leviathan falls somewhere between the two of them, being a great monster movie, but not the film I remembered. 

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Droid howls with laughter at ‘The Wolfman’

the wolfman poster There is a point very early on in ‘The Wolfman’ where you realise that it’s not going to be an effective horror, but it might just make a hilarious comedy. It’s the introduction of Anthony Hopkins character, and his performance is the first indication that the tone in this film is completely out of control. The film is all over the map, but mostly entertaining if you let it be.

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From the Vault: Schlock in the 21st Century

This century hasn’t been kind to schlock. Needless to say, here’s a list of some I recommend and some I really, really don’t. Some of these I’ve already reviewed, some I haven’t. It’s not a top ten, rather just films from the bargain bucket that I think are worth a look. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Ticks

Ticks

They call me “Panic” ’cause I never do.

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4

Once again, to take a small break from the never-ending lists, I’ve decided to review a schlock film. Read More…