Tag Archive | Milla Jovovich

Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil Retribution

RERetribuiton-poster

Clever title, this. In that I want retribution on everyone involved in this atrocity. I’m going to go out on a limb here and nail my colours to the mast: Resident Evil 5 is the worst film of 2012, the worst PWSAnderson film (that’s going some), and the worst Video Game Adaptation ever made. In terms of how bad it actually is, I think it’s in the same league of iniquity that houses the likes of Sucker Punch and Alien v Predator: Rectum. The failures here are so manifold that this isn’t so much a review as a shopping list of what not to do if you want to make a film, and the series now bears no resemblance at all to Resident Evil the video game. But what’s getting me down most about it, is that 5 films in it is now obvious that nobody involved gave a fuck on any level. They just took the cash and phoned in a dispiriting, repetitive, boring half-arsed movie that could only be worse if…

Actually, scratch that, I don’t think it could be worse. Even if it had been made by blind people with no opposible thumbs, this film could not be worse. As such, it’s drawn this series out of retirement for one last Hurrah.

Contains an actress actually looking embarrassed and massive spoilers below.  Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil Afterlife

That’s it. I’ve done it. I am the sole moron on the planet that has seen every single one of PWS Anderson’s films. This does beg the question: why would I do this to myself? Well, the answer is simple, as simple as Paul himself. It’s because the bastard invariably makes terrible films based on material that I like. It’s got to the stage with the cocksucker that I’m actually developing a minor persecution complex in that it genuinely feels like he’s deliberately finding subjects that I care about and then ruining them intentionally. Why is he doing this to me? Why can’t he bugger off and just make Sex and the City sequels or Jane Austen adaptations or other such trash that I could just happily ignore? All of which boring and self-pitying preamble brings me around to his most recent cinematic atrocity: Resident Evil 4.

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Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil Extinction.

I did already know this before I started this review, but of the 3 Resident Evil films that I’ve seen, this is the one with the least to do with the games, and despite basically not being a Resident Evil adaptation, the only one that stands watching once. I’m not sure about rewatchings, as there was years between me seeing this film twice, but having watched it again, I am surprised to say that it manages to scale heights that this series otherwise gets nowhere near by being deeply, deeply mediocre. Funnily enough, almost all the problems it has are directly as a result of that steaming sack of excrement Apocalypse, in that Extinction goes miles out of its way to tie up the loose ends from part 2, and clean out the extraneous and aggravating characters that added nothing to the story. There are other problems, sure enough, but in comparison to the other two films in this dismal soul-destroying series (that is trying its damndest to make me hate cinema, Paul W.S. Anderson, and Resident Evil games) that I’ve seen to date it’s really not that awful.

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Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil

Fuck I hate this film, and my sister gave me a copy for my birthday years ago on the basis that “you like zombies and shit so you’ll like this”.

Now, for some fucking idiotic reason, probably derived from my myriad character failings, I now can’t bring myself to throw the fucker out. Read More…

The Fourth Kind

the fourth kind movie poster

I love a good surprise in a film, I love going in expecting the worst and coming out the other end having just enjoyed an interesting film that is not a complete waste of time. I’ve notice with these movies just released on DVD that were in theaters between September and November, which usually is a dumping ground for bad films, have had that effect on me recently. While had I gone to see them in the theater I may have had a much different reaction to them, but they have made for a great rentals. I’d like to think that we are at a point where truly just bland stuff is not getting dumped in the non big months, thanks to the success of Paul Blart: Mall Cop last year in January studios have realized that you can make profitable movies in the down months. The Fourth Kind was a nice little sleeper hit for the studios, and I probably would have hated it at the cinema.

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