Tag Archive | Midgets

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

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What. The. Fuck?

Seriously, and this isn’t rhetorical this time, what the fuck?

I’m honestly not kidding here, but can someone, anyone, please explain to your humble reviewer what the fuck this is? I, for some reason, had never seen this film before, but like almost every kid in the late 80’s I did have some of the cards and we did trade them in the playground and whatnot. For those that don’t know what the Garbage Pail Kids are, they were produced as a pseudo-satirical dig at the ubiquitous at the time Cabbage Patch Dolls and basically took the basic look of those repellent toys and amped the gross and ugly up to 11. Anyhow, in the late 80’s these cards were everywhere and the Topps Chewing Gum company that produced them decided to cash in on the completely unexpected craze by making a live-action film based on their *cough* loveable *cough* characters. I’ve watched some reprehensible shite on my meanders through the vault, but I honestly don’t think I’ve encountered anything as so obviously misguided as this. The Garbage Pail Kids movie is what happens when people without the foggiest idea how to make a film are let loose on an idea that should never have been filmed in the first place. This, for wont of a better expression, film represents a cultural nadir, and watching it is a truly a grim and horrible experience for the viewer.  Read More…

Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Black Samurai (1977)

Welcome back to Just Pillow Talk’s continuing quest to prove that bad film isn’t a new phenomenon. Things took a turn for the better for him in our last instalment with Scorsese’s masterful Taxi Driver, can his lucky streak keep going?

Before I hand it over to Pillows, I just want to apologise for the shitty resolution of a lot of these images. I did look for better ones, but I’m at work and they all seem to be blocked. However, you can get the general idea. Basically, any hackery in this review is my fault and not JPT.

Anyhoo, over to the man himself, for the Black Samurai review (I hope there’s a tiger in a hat):
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Koutchboom’s Adventures In Terrible Comedy – Weirdsville

Sad Clown

I’ve been hitting the road pretty hard here lately and haven’t had much time to pull over and see the zany sites I’ve passed along the way. Luckily all these snow days have given me plenty of free time to fill with more shitty comedies.

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Alien Flying Balls of Steel- Phantasm 3: The Lord of the Dead

Number 3 in the Phantasm series is a funny beast. It’s pretty inventive, all things considered, but it’s also pretty odd. This is the Army of Darkness of the series- being as it’s mostly pure comedy (I think intentionally), with horror and science fiction taking a back seat to laughter. Coscarelli realised by this stage of his epic that the most fun character in the film was Reggie, so Phantasm 3 is basically about Reggie. He kicks some ass, cracks some jokes, spectacularly fails to get laid, and just bumbles around the screen having a blast.

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Balls of Steel: Phantasm

Please forgive that title, as I’m feeling very literal today and Don Coscarelli’s Phantasm movies do actually feature Balls of Steel. Well, not just steel, but flying, stabby, drilly, gougey balls of steel. They also feature midgets, a big dude with inexplicable eyebrows, an exceptinal score and the fastest Ice Cream Man in the west. Read More…


Top o’ the morning to ye!

What with St. Patrick’s Day coming up fast, it is now finally time to unearth my long-buried Leprechaun series. When I originally reviewed these, I did a “Lep Survival Guide” and it was, to be honest, kind of shit. In my defence, it was terrible entirely because of the films themselves- they’ve just got too little in common to remotely pretend that it’s the same monster, so attempting to condense it into a mock survival guide was an exercise in futility. I have now learnt my lesson and as a result, I’m going to review them in order, and then for the last part of this series add my hopes for the next film. This should be fun.

First up, the original Leprechaun film.

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The Odyssey continues: Jarv’s best of the decade for America

Yes, I know this is late. It wasn’t my fault- honest. However,  I don’t feel bad in the slightest about keeping going.

Anyhow, on with this ultimately pointless attempt to define the top 10 of last decade. Read More…

From the Vault: Schlock in the 21st Century

This century hasn’t been kind to schlock. Needless to say, here’s a list of some I recommend and some I really, really don’t. Some of these I’ve already reviewed, some I haven’t. It’s not a top ten, rather just films from the bargain bucket that I think are worth a look. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Ankle Biters

Ankle Biters

“Forget about what you’ve seen in the movies. All the legends are bogus: Vampires like sunlight, stakes don’t work, garlic is delicious and I really, really wish I was Blade, but unfortunately I happen to be lame.”

Jarv’s Rating: 0 fucking Changs. Walter most unimpressed.

Alright, I own up- I did doctor the end of that quote.

I’ve been on a right run of garbage recently. I actually saw this before Return of The Living Dead 2, but it made me die a bit inside, so I haven’t got round to writing it up until today.

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