Tag Archive | Michael Ironside

The World According to Arnie -Total Recall (1990)

Total-Recall-HeaderI haven’t visited The World According to Arnie since the ‘Jarv reviews New Years Eve’ Christmas blitz of 2011. That one was Arnie’s moderately successful first foray into family friendly comedy, ‘Twins’. But after a brief respite, Arnie’s back where he belongs, as a kicking, punching, shooting, neck snapping, murdering planetary saviour in Paul Verhoeven’s ‘Total Recall’. I love this movie. It rivals ‘The Terminator’ as my favourite Arnie movie, and I’m going to have to turn to my old mate the thesaurus to look for new superlatives to use during this review. I can’t very well describe everything as “awesome” can I?

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Reeker

I’m afraid of psycho desert crackheads who hunt small animals with Dahmer’s garden tools.

Occasionally on my wanders through the dregs of cinema, I come  across an idea so monstrously ill-conceived and completely insane that it literally makes me pause the film, go and get a beer, and attempt to drink said beer while debating the merits of said idea. In the  case of Reeker, this idea is so, so preposterously bad that I’m almost at a loss for words, because I cannot in the life of me (outside of Shrooms) think of another film that intentionally uses a device as massively, inordinately, unbelievably stupid as this one. Someone really needs to sit director David Payne down and just ask him a very simple question:

“What the fuck were you playing at, and why in the name of everything sacred and holy did you think this was a good idea?” Read More…

The walk of shame. Jarv reviews Prom Night 2: Hello Mary Lou.

The interesting thing about Slasher movie series is that continuity is a dirty word. For example, the Leprechaun zooms around the world, stops in space and finishes up in Compton, not to mention that he has different rules and a different personality in each film. Friday the 13th bends continuity over and treats it to some special kind of loving, while Halloween does things to the character and story in the sequels that are probably illegal even in Holland. So, is it wise to expect Prom Night 2:  Hello Mary Lou to follow any standard of continuity whatsoever, to make any sense at all, and to have even the slightest thing to do with the competent but totally dreary film that spawned it? The short answer to this question is no. The slightly longer answer is “fuck no”, and read on for the full length answer.  Read More…

Casper v ANGRY SPACE BUGS!!!: Starship Troopers

I cannot tell a lie, part of the reason (well, almost all of the reason) for taking this idiotic series on was the presence of Starship Troopers and Starship Troopers 3: Marauder. Man, I fucking LOVE these films- they’re everything that appeals to me: Sci-Fi, social commentary, big knuckleheaded yanks getting killed, gloriously stupid machismo, Darth Ironside, outstanding FX, gratuitous nudity and lots and lots of lovely explosions wrapped up in a nice big ball of awesome. I’ve been so beaten up by the first few in this series, I had to bump this one up the order a bit, as a reward for making it this far.

I may be about to go a bit picture happy here.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Down/ The Shaft

How could you do that to a blind man?

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs out of 4. Funny as fuck, pity about the first half.

This is an interruption due to sheer dumbness of my scheduled vault reviews. I was going to do Re-Animator (for being awesome), but instead I watched this gem the other night. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is probably one of the most incredibly stupid and incredibly funny films that I’ve seen in the last 6 months. The premise is absolute dumbhouse gold, and the film is executed with such verve that it’s really hard not to like it. I’d just like to point out here that there’s loads of elevator related puns available to me, but I shall be an adult and ignore them. Read More…

Fields of Gold? Please Fuck off Sting: Children of the Corn: Revelation

This has been an epic trawl through some of the most unremarkable films that I’ve ever gone on. Honestly, it makes the succinct Phantasm series look like a masterpiece of brevity. Nevertheless, I’m into the home straight now, I can see the line and the pub just beyond it where there is a lovely pint of Guinness waiting for me as a reward for making it this far.

Having said that, there are still some potential pit falls on the way, not least of which is this film. I skirted up close to it, had a good long look and decided to jump in. And you know what? It’s not that bad. Compared to Part 6, it’s positively brilliant.

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*H*I*G*H*L*A*N*D*E*R*P*A*L*O*O*Z*A* The slippery slope starts now- Highlander 2: The Quickening


This time out, there’s more of us involved and we’re taking on the sequel to the original hugely entertaining Highlander with Highlander 2: The Quickening. Read More…