Tag Archive | Meh

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Maximum Overdrive

Maximum Overdrive Posetr

Fucked if I know, Bubba. Fucked if I know.

It’s been a while since I did a Vault review as I’ve been attempting to be a bit classier in terms of my viewing choices. However, having said that, I did decide to launch an apocalypse series and stupidly asked for suggestions below the line. Amongst all of them, Maximum Overdrive stood out as something I’d always meant to watch but never really got round to. So, up it came, and having watched it, it’s not apocalypse material, but it does fit right in to the Vault as a massive, cheesy, lump of unashamed Schlock.

Contains death by coke machine and spoilers below.  Read More…

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Boston Girls

Boston-Girls-cover

Slam Pig! 

I have genuinely come to the conclusion that modern exploitation films tend to be hideous. It is true, though, that almost all exploitation has been awful, with only a few gems standing out from the crowd, but the difference was that the 1970’s films were attempting to overcome limitations imposed on them by budget, talent, time and so forth and there were a few that genuinely transcended their lowly origins. Whereas 21st Century exploitation has none of the limitations the 70’s film makers had to overcome, and instead intentionally makes the films shoddy, grainy and more seriously unpleasant than they had to be. It was with this in mind that I decided to inflict Boston Girls on myself, and I didn’t have a lot in the way of hope for it.

Contains cack handed faux feminism and spoilers below  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Forget Me Not

Forget-me-not-poster

Who’s Chad? He’s the pretty boy you fucked yesterday!

This is quite funny. When I found this lurking in Lovefilm’s watch now section, I thought Forget Me Not was obvious schlock vault fodder. And it is. But what’s amusing is that I’d had exactly the same thought back in October last year, and watched half the film to, erm, totally forget about it and thus fail dismally to watch (let alone review) the second half. I’m a genius- forgetting about the existence of a film called Forget Me Not. Anyway, such is my dedication to the vault, I thought I’d give it a spin anyway.

Contains a wonderfully trashy chick, shit ghosts, and spoilers below Read More…

Made In Britain: The Inbetweeners Movie

It occurred to me the other day that I haven’t actually reviewed that much British Comedy in this series. There’s a reason for that: it’s usually shit. Furthermore, we don’t seem to actually make as much comedy as we do Horror or kitchen sink Misery Porn. Anyhoo, I’ve got a few in the works, and this is the first: The Inbetweeners Movie.

Contains social ineptness and spoilers below
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Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Red Eye (2005)

Wes Craven has had a strange career. He’s made some of the most iconic horror films of the modern era, but in between the Scream and Nightmare efforts he’s padded his CV with what can only be described as utterly blah movies. Red Eye is one of the latter, and nobody in their right mind is ever going to claim this as a classic. However, by the same score, it’s not at all worth me destroying being a totally mundane and inoffensive way to pass the time. Just not a particularly interesting one.

Contains a seriously struggling reviewer and minor spoilers  below.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Demons 2

You look great, Sally. Honest.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret today. There’s a golden rule of Italian Horror that I really should pay more attention to. It is as follows: a director’s last film is only his worst until he releases his next one. However, me being me, I completely forgot about this, and after finishing Lamberto Bava’s Demons, I noticed that the sequel was available to watch on Lovefilm. The first one was a plotless pot of insanity that threw a bravura amount of gore and mess at the screen, and as a result, I quite enjoyed it. Yes, there was a typically hamfisted message about movies rotting your brain or some such drivel, but it didn’t really matter. Still, Argento co-wrote this one, so it should be an improvement in the plot department from the original, surely? I mean this should be easy- fix the things that didn’t work (mostly the writing), and keep doing what you did with the things that do work.

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Made in Britain: Severance (2006)

To take a small break from the relentless stream of low rent films that I’ve been sitting through, I’ve decided to review a British Horror film, of sorts, that came highly recommended by a variety of people. Unfortunately, I did bother doing a bit of research into it beforehand, although I really should not have done, because if I had not then I would not have noticed that Severance is directed by Christopher Smith, who made one of my most hated horror movies of the last decade in Creep, and that it stars Danny bloody Dyer again. Seriously, it feels like he’s in basically every single British movie of the last 5 years and I’m at a complete loss as to why.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Reeker

I’m afraid of psycho desert crackheads who hunt small animals with Dahmer’s garden tools.

Occasionally on my wanders through the dregs of cinema, I come  across an idea so monstrously ill-conceived and completely insane that it literally makes me pause the film, go and get a beer, and attempt to drink said beer while debating the merits of said idea. In the  case of Reeker, this idea is so, so preposterously bad that I’m almost at a loss for words, because I cannot in the life of me (outside of Shrooms) think of another film that intentionally uses a device as massively, inordinately, unbelievably stupid as this one. Someone really needs to sit director David Payne down and just ask him a very simple question:

“What the fuck were you playing at, and why in the name of everything sacred and holy did you think this was a good idea?” Read More…

Made in Britain: The Woman in Black

One of Aesop’s most famous fables has the moral that familiarity breeds contempt. In my case, I genuinely think I hit this point with this new Hammer Horror adaptation of Susan Hill’s The Woman in Black. If there’s one ghost story out there that I know inside and out, then this one is it- I’ve read the book, seen the BBC adaptation, and seen it twice at the Fortune Theatre in the West End, where it is now one of London’s longest running plays. However, Mrs. Jarv had never seen it, and the trailer piqued her interest enough, being as the supernatural chiller is probably her favourite genre in horror, to put aside her instinctive dislike of all things Hammer. So what with it being Valentine’s Day yesterday, was there a more fitting option than to go to the nice cinema with the comfy sofa and table service to hopefully score a few cheap scares?  Read More…

Spanked by the Monkey: Beneath the Planet of the Apes

From my brief research into this film, in a vain attempt to find something to write about, I’ve discovered that Beneath the Planet of the Apes is almost universally reviled. This strikes me as unfair. It’s nowhere near as bad as, say, Battle or Burton’s equally hateful remake, and were it to exist in a vacuum then it would be a seriously enjoyable piece of B-level schlock. Unfortunately for the first Planet of the Apes sequel, this isn’t the case and the original film casts a long shadow both over the production of the film itself and the reception to it that Beneath simply isn’t good enough to get out from under.

Serious spoilers lurk below, by the way.  Read More…