Tag Archive | Mark Wahlberg

A look at 2013: January to March

2013-HeaderIt’s a new year. Time for resolutions, fresh starts, life changing decisions and all that bollocks. It’s also a good time to evaluate the cinematic landscape that we’ll be navigating in the new year. 2012 was, let’s face it, a very mixed bag in terms of cinema. Some good, a lot of bad, but mostly it was content with mediocrity. Will 2013 be any different? Let’s take a look.

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Spanked by the Monkey: Planet of the Apes (2001)

Bah, I hate this film. I’m a long time fan of the Apes films, and even the rotten TV series to some extent, and was massively excited to see Tim  Burton was directing a remake of it. Tim Burton visuals and sensibilities on Planet of the Apes? This had to be mint. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. Burton didn’t want to do the film, and was effectively a hired gun director, and as a direct result, the Planet of the Apes remake was an unmitigated fiasco from start to finish. Although it did make a whole bucket of cash, it was so reviled that Fox dropped the axe on the proposed sequel. Burton’s remake, in all fairness, isn’t as truly abysmal as its reputation, but it is easily the worst Apes film, and it is, in every sense of the word, a franchise killer.

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Jarv’s Birthday Series: Invincible (2006)

Well, I’m now into the home straight, and I’d just like to put the previous horrible run behind me. So, as I come to the last 6 years that I’ve graced the planet and made everything just a little bit better for everyone, I’d like to start with an actual good film rather than some of the dogs that I’ve sat through. Invincible (release date 25th August 2006 in America), which I watched post-Sunday Roast, may just fit that bill. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Max Payne

Why do I keep doing this to myself. I’ve now seen loads of these video game adaptation and even the very best of them are astonishingly mediocre. Most of them, however, flirt with outright incompetence and unsurprisingly Max Payne is no exception. I have to say up front that I’ve never played the games, but if they’re anything at all like this dismal film then, frankly, I won’t be touching them with a bargepole. Read More…

Koutchboom Wastes His Time With: The Happening

The Happening Subway poster
God what a fucking awful awful shit film. Seriously. This movie makes the Troma team look like fucking Oscar Bait geniuses because fuck me this goat fucker has been floating along on the BRILLIANTness of his first two films. Just looking at the box office for this movie….it made enough to warrant a sequel. Cost $48 million, world wide gross $163 million. Though after this, M. Night’s second failed attempt at a trilogy, I’m thinking he just says shit to try to make his movies seem smarter.

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