Tag Archive | Low Budget

Moonwolves Presents Drunken Cinema: Number 1- The Pit

Huzzah! Welcome to the first Drunken Cinema.

This is how it works, periodically we will select a film of dubious artistic quality, and get completely and utterly shitfaced while watching it, commenting as we do so. Think MST3K  but with less Americans, worse films, and more alcohol. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Boogens

You had to let them out!

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs. Funny stuff.

The Boogens must be the single stupidest title that I’ve seen for a horror movie. For a start, the vaguely onomatopoeic sound of “boogen” is just silly and it most puts me in mind of snotty kids on public transport. Not scary. Nevertheless, this is a fun film, being simultaneously dreadful and amusing. It’s got some quality b-movie actors, a very silly script, a truly laughable monster and was clearly made for peanuts. It’s a cracking little early 80’s schlock, and boy is it schlocky. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Killer Klowns From Outer Space

Killer clowns, from outer space. Holy shit!  

 Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4. Honestly, it’s very funny

Sometimes schlocky films make me despair, and other times the makers manage to completely mislay their medication and produce something gleefully insane, unexpectedly amusing and totally enjoyable. Killer Klowns is one of the latter, and I’m glad it arrived this week as I’ve got 2 reviews of Murph worthy dogshit to do that I can’t face. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Future Kill

Time to see how the other half lives

Jarv’s Rating: 1 Murph. This film is shit.

Due to a small technical error, I’m having to abandon my Class of Nuke ‘Em High trilogy. Instead, I’m reviewing the bona-fides Murph worthy bucket of shit that is Ronald Moore’s Future Kill. A film that has an inexplicably epic Giger designed poster that is so far superior to anything else that takes place that it is a crying shame it was squandered on this dismal rip off of The Warriors and Escape From New York. Read More…

Good Vampire Films: Martin

I’ve been thinking about this for a week now, and I still don’t really know how I feel about it. I freely admit to having battered wife syndrome where Romero is involved, so I’m pretty certain this is actually crap, and yet I keep hearing that it’s a lost classic of the genre. I’m not even sure it qualifies as a vampire film to be honest, as Martin clearly isn’t a vampire. He does drink blood, but he’s a sexual serial killer. There’s nothing paranormal about him, in fact, if anything he’s depressingly mundane. Nevertheless, at the same time there is something interesting about it, and I was endlessly fascinated by the UK VHS cover whenever I saw it in the video shop in the 80’s. Sadly, Redemption Films went bust and so I can’t find a copyable picture of that cover, but it held a kind of perverse attraction for me. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Class of Nuke Em High Part 2: Subhumanoid Meltdown

We will not ask you to do anything embarrassing, humiliating, or abnormal at any time.

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs out of 4 and I damned nearly gave it 3 just for the giant mutant squirrel.

 Part two of the wonderfully misguided Class of Nuke ‘Em High trilogy has absolutely nothing in common with part 1. In fact, if I were to be cynical, then I might suggest that Troma deliberately stuck a completely unrelated film in as a sequel to cash in on the reasonable success of the first film. However, that doesn’t stop it being a damned entertaining little romp, even if considerations such as plot completely fall by the wayside. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Class of Nuke ‘Em High

“What’s happened to you people? Six months ago you were the honor society, not a drug pushing gang of thugs.” 

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs although I’m tempted to give it more

Welcome to Tromaville- a classy town, with great real estate, interesting local residents, a fine eduction system, full employment at the various nuclear facilities, and a law enforcement agency run by a sociopathic monster with an uncontrollable urge to see justice done. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Convent

“My Brother’s the antichrist? Mom is gonna be pissed.” 

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs and I really want to give it more, but just can’t.

 This film is far better than the 2.5 Chang rating that I’ve given it in terms of entertainment. I watched it as part of my ongoing quest to find a witchcraft movie that doesn’t suck balls, and assumed a film called The Convent would be about black magic. Instead, and much to my amazement, I blundered into a rollicking little movie. The Convent is full of comedy, gore, ultraviolence, funny cameos and great laughs. It ain’t perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination, but it is great fun. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Stuff

  

We’ll make the world safe again… for Ice Cream” 

 

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs out of 4. Slick and clever.  

The 80’s was a funny time indeed. It was, arguably, personified by the “Greed is good” mantra of Gordon Gecko, and consumer spending began to spiral out of control (a chicken that finally came home to rest a few years ago). The music was frankly atrocious, a fact that no amount of revisionism or kitsch nostalgia can change, and this was the start of the evolution of the Blockbuster as we know it. However, at the same time, there was a raft of low-budget schlocky films produced that had far higher pretensions than just being another schlock release. The Stuff is a fine example of this- it’s a little film with big ideas.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Gate

 

Demons aren’t gonna ring the doorbell!

 Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs- enjoyable 80’s fun.

 This is one that I watched a bit ago and for one reason or another never got round to reviewing properly. Seeing as I’ve watched nothing for a while, I thought I’d dig this discarded review out of the pile, polish it up a wee bit and post it for today’s vault entry. I was prompted to do this by the frankly inexplicable news that this little gem is being remade, and not only that, but the man at the helm is none other than Alex Winter: Bill S. Preston, Esquire himself. Don’t fuck this up, “dude”. Read More…