Tag Archive | Lesbians

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Bare Behind Bars

I just adore raspberry pudding

Is there a more sorry genre out there than the Women in Prison films? Exploitation cinema as a rule is dirty, seedy, nasty stuff, but these exist solely to show various acts of sadism inflicted on unlikely female convicts who exist to wander round in the buff and commit various sapphic acts for the pleasure of the hooting gibbons that comprise the audience. Even in a genre as sorry as this one, and let’s face it aside from Reform School Girls, which is a spoof anyhow, they’re all tacky garbage, this 1980 slice of grindhouse schlock may possibly be the most obnoxious one out there. So, I was clearly compelled to watch it, and, this is something I never thought I’d say, Bare Behind Bars (A Prisão) eventually managed to make even lesbianism boring. How could such a thing happen?

Read More…

The Night of the Demons Series- Night of the Demons 2

This series has been knocking around in my mind for a while now. I first saw the original Night of the Demons (reviewed here) and decided that I needed to see the rest. It’s a solid gold sliver of cheesy schlock, a blast from start to finish with more nudity than a strip club, thefts from seminal horror films, clichéd horror mainstays, an Edam-fest of a script, and more fun than one mind can handle. It’s also dumb as fuck. Hysterical, but unfeasibly stupid. Given that it was made for less than Michael Bay spends on lunch, and turned into something of a hit, it was only a matter of time until the attempt to cash in was made. To be absolutely fair, although it isn’t exactly screaming for a sequel, the central premise is established that these events take place every Halloween, so it isn’t too much of a leap of faith to wheel out another batch of dopey teenagers (played by actors in their late 20’s, of course) for more demonic and nudity filled frolics.

Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich

Yes, yes, I know that title says “The Blood Reich Bloodrayne 3” but I’ve just looked it up on IMDB, and it’s actually Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich. Which is only marginally less dimwitted.

Jesus suffering fuck, why do I keep doing this to myself? I’m almost on the verge of binning this stupid series altogether if I don’t find a good adaptation in the very near future. In the meantime, I’ve got to dredge the contents of my memory to produce a review of a film I can barely fucking remember, one from German turd-meister Uwe Boll that’s so inconceivably boring that despite gratuitous boob and lesbianism, I still can’t recall a damned thing about it. This is going to be a tough one.  Read More…

Good Vampire Films: The Hunger

Right-o then. It’s Friday so it’s vampire day and this week’s offering is Tony Scott’s 1983 debut: The Hunger. This is a strange film, in all honesty, but nevertheless it’s an interesting film and one well worth a look. Not to mention that it is the best-looking Tony Scott film that I’ve seen. No one in their right mind is ever going to say that a film with Catherine Deneuve as a lesbian vampire is a bad one, or at least I’m not going to, but I do kind of wonder if it is actually a good one. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Poultrygeist- Night of the Chicken Dead

“You had me at shit covered mongoloid”

 Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4- I fucking love Troma.

 God Bless Troma. It’s hard to believe, but the kings of low-budget schlock have now passed their 30 year anniversary. How the fuck did they manage this? I mean, it isn’t as if the vast majority of their output has a snowball in hell’s chance of breaking even and the Toxie money can’t last forever. Is there really a dedicated fanbase for shit like Nympho Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, or Femme Fontaine: Killer Babe for the CIA, because I don’t believe there is, and as much as casual viewers like myself may enjoy their films, I’m not going to rush out and buy all the merchandise. Read More…