Tag Archive | Kris Kristofferson

Spanked by the Monkey: Planet of the Apes (2001)

Bah, I hate this film. I’m a long time fan of the Apes films, and even the rotten TV series to some extent, and was massively excited to see Tim  Burton was directing a remake of it. Tim Burton visuals and sensibilities on Planet of the Apes? This had to be mint. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. Burton didn’t want to do the film, and was effectively a hired gun director, and as a direct result, the Planet of the Apes remake was an unmitigated fiasco from start to finish. Although it did make a whole bucket of cash, it was so reviled that Fox dropped the axe on the proposed sequel. Burton’s remake, in all fairness, isn’t as truly abysmal as its reputation, but it is easily the worst Apes film, and it is, in every sense of the word, a franchise killer.

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The Underrated: Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia

I should really rename this series “the forgotten about”. It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, and that’s because I haven’t really seen anything that I’d class as that underrated. However, while watching Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia, which is arguably the ultimate Sam Peckinpah movie, it occurred to me that the film receives nowhere near the love that it should do. Even if it is arguably to blame for some of Cokey McFrankensteinhead’s more wild excesses. I find it surprising that in this day and age of remakes, particularly of notorious films from the day, that this Grand Guignol of bloody tragedy and ultraviolence wouldn’t have flitted across some marketing whore’s desk. I mean, if you think about it, the supremely unpalatable Straw Dogs received a grotesquely inappropriate remake last year (which genius cast Kate Bosworth in the Susan George role? She’s got the sex appeal of a tapioca filled jockstrap) so it’s astonishing that arguably the definitive pulp movie somehow has remained untouched.  Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Blade (1998)

Who remembers the time before the all-conquering comic book movie? Seriously, this isn’t as strange a question as it sounds, but back in 1998, the only funny book adaptation for ages had been Batman. Marvel had tied themselves up into some lunacy with crossover story lines and clones and some such, and Batman and Robin had died in a major way a few yeas prior. Against this backdrop, a promising British Special Effects person was handed the directing reins on a minor Marvel adaptation: Blade. It was released on 21st August 1998 in America, and it is no exaggeration to say that Blade remains in the top 5 comic book adaptations to date. For the sake of argument, in my opinion the rest of that list is Superman: the Movie, The Dark Knight and, er…

Well, you get the idea. As a rule, comic book films tend to be mediocre to shit, and the massive amount of them simply means that we are exposed to a lot of dreck about fools in badly fitting tights disguised as cinema. Incidentally, and not related to anything else, why is it so damned hard to make a good Hulk movie? We’ve either got one that thinks it is a Greek Tragedy with a constipated Chinese Hulk with Daddy issues who fights a cloud, or one that thinks it, well, I’m not sure the word “think” is applicable, but this Hulk comes complete with a moron Hulk who fights a dinosaur while suffering from erectile dysfunction. Neither of these are any good.
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Jarv’s Birthday Series: Millennium (1989)

I can’t properly express how glad I am to see the back of the 80’s. It seems like late August was the dumping ground for no end of hideous shit, and I’ve waded through almost all of it. 1989’s contribution to the river of sewage was Millennium (release date August 17th 1989), and is a film I liked on first watch, but does not stand up to a second viewing. I suspect that I was overly enamoured with the clever premise of this film, because really, looking at it, it isn’t that good. In theory, all the component pieces are here to make a cracking film, but something went wrong, and it is, to be fair to it, an interesting failure.
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