Tag Archive | Julin

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Spirit Camp

Never underestimate the power of cheer!

Back when I reviewed Bring it On for my birthday series, I seriously spent a large amount of time fantasising about what if this vacuous crap was actually a slasher movie and a big lug in a melted William Shatner mask would jump out and slaughter the cast of single-dimensional tarts in the film. And lo, as if by magic, someone called Kerry Beyer heard my prayers and decided that he would reinvigorate the tired slasher genre by, er, remaking Friday 13th but with a camp full of cheerleaders.

This should be joyous, surely?

Contains an inexplicably large dildo and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Cherry Bomb

You had your cherry popped

This should be gold.

Yes, that’s right, I’m wallowing in the grimy pit of modern grindhouse again, because I clearly haven’t learned my  lesson from recent fiascoes such as Hobo with a Shotgun, Nude Nuns with Big Guns and so forth. Given my utterly atrocious track record picking films from this sad and benighted genre, you’d think I would have stopped. Except I keep seeing exceptional posters for them, such as the one above, and I instantly forget about the maxim “never judge a book by its cover”. In my defence, though, this is billed as a rip-roaring revenge tale about a stripper on the warpath, which does sound right up my alley.

Contains an enormous hitman with an inexplicable afro and spoilers below. Read More…