Tag Archive | Julian Sands

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Oxford Blues (1984)

Back on the Birthday Series after my brief detour through the vault, and I can’t say I’m that happy to be back. For those that don’t know the rules, all you do is pick a film released as close to your birthday as possible and review it. Today’s offering is, I think, only the third sport based movie that I’ve ever done, as they do tend to be formulaic in the extreme and my interest often depends on the sport being filmed. Oxford Blues managed the impossible, and somehow found a sport more boring than Drag Racing. That sport? Rowing. Seriously, each year the BBC try to pretend that the nation gives a red fuck about “The Boat Race” between Oxford and Cambridge rather than that tiny proportion of the country that can claim either of them as an alma mater.

Contains cocky Americans showing us stuffy English types how it is done and spoilers below. Read More…

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Warlock

Our interest lies in stopping those who would see all good falter. It lies in stopping the powers of misrule from coming of age. It lies in finding that damned book, and thwarting a vile beast of a man who shall not rest until God himself is thrown down, and all of creation becomes Satan’s black hell besmeared farting hole!

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4. I may be overrating this a touch, but for the most part it’s good fun and very funny in places. 

This is a film that comes with some heady recommendations. No less noble Changian brothers than, er, everyone that’s seen it had been talking about it for a while. Being a perpetual slacker (moi?), I’d only seen the sequel for some inexplicable reason. I do remember enjoying the sequel, mostly for Julian Sands’ astonishingly gay Warlock and the Picasso moment, but I’d never been tempted to dust down the original. Mindful of the ringing endorsements from all and sundry, I bumped this up the Lovefilm list and put it in.  Read More…

Smut! Jarv sniggers at 10 of the worst sex scenes ever filmed

So, sex on film, eh? I’m sure the pillars of civilisation are due to crumble over this subject. Honestly, mankind has raped, murdered and generally been sex-addled since the dawn of time, but cinema comes along at the arse end of the last millenium and two consenting adults feigning coitus on screen is certain to send us all back to the dark ages. Having said that, not all sex scenes are actually titillating, erotic, or even meaningful. Many of them, actually, are embarrassing, unintentionally funny or just plain inept. These are 10 absolute howlers- scenes that are humiliating for the cast, crew, director and viewer, and all of them deserve recognition for being truly awful.

Because we’re fucking family friendly, and I’ve done this at work, there’s no boob, and I’ve been forced to just use the covers of the films. But in most cases, you’re not missing anything. So with no further ado, let us begin the countdown of 10 of the most painfully inept, shameful and downright incompetent sex-scenes ever filmed: Read More…

Queers and Junk: Naked Lunch

I now return to the Cronenberg series after what feels like an eternity and I can’t say I’m taking much pleasure from the next few films. Naked Lunch is the starting point for “the second shit period” and although it isn’t as bad as I remembered it being, I can’t say that I actually enjoyed watching it. Read More…