Tag Archive | Jim Wynorski

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Return of Swamp Thing

There may be some side-effects.

That’s OK, we can discover them together

This comes as a genuine surprise. I am an admitted fan of the first Swamp Thing, which I reviewed here ages ago, but to be honest that had a lot of things going for it including sharp writing, excellent actors, Wes Craven, and Adrienne Barbeau’s tits  (never an unwelcome addition to any film), but I didn’t know it was a hit of any description. Needless to say it clearly did make enough for Jim Wynorski of soft porn and Chopping Mall fame to take a stab at it. This is a man with sensibilities that are best described as base, so surely, The Return of Swamp Thing should be a grimier, dirtier, more full of gratuitous skin and sleazier affair than the original. Obviously, being a sequel, the cast won’t be up to scratch, particularly since nefarious Dr. Arcane croaked after turning into a giant pig monster in the first film, but still, I’m expecting boobs, violence and a ridiculous plant man in a rubber suit.

Contains the Supervillian version of Hugh Hefner and Spoilers below.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Chopping Mall.

I’m just not used to be chased around a mall in the middle of the night by killer robots. 

Some concepts are just so ripe for cheesy entertainment. Take, for example, Chopping Mall. The formula is very, very easy and runs something like this: choose isolated location, which is extremely difficult to get out of. In this instance, a Shopping Mall after hours. Then, choose a group of young, hot protagonists, who all must be willing to disrobe at a moments notice. Find a reason for them to be stuck in the aforementioned location, say, a party in a closed furniture shop (which incidentally provides beds and whatnot for them to get down and dirty in). Finally add your unstoppable antagonist, which is manifested here in the form of three squat, homicidal and overly armed security robots. This formula is absolutely unfuckupable, and even someone with the very limited talents of Jim Wynorski should be able to manage to turn in a hugely entertaining film. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Komodo v Cobra

If I had brought my guitar, we could all sing Kumbaya. 

I love these big dopey “improbably large and hungry creature fights another equally improbably large and hungry creature”. I love the sheer randomness of the opponents. For example, are octopi and sharks really natural enemies? I think not. In this case, the title fight is between a large Komodo dragon, native of the south pacific, and an even bigger King Cobra, native of, er, India, I think. Or it may be Africa somewhere, anyway naturalism isn’t my strong point and all that matters is that it’s nowhere near the giant lizard’s natural habitat. Therefore this strikes me as unlikely that these two animals would ever face off, even were they to be trapped on a small island in Polynesia and fed nothing but cardboard for two weeks. Read More…