Tag Archive | Jessica Alba

The Return of Jarv’s Birthday Series- Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014)


I’d completely repressed the fact that we’d done these bloody birthday series, which come complete with the added bonus of only being stopped by the reviewers’ actual death. Anyhoo, as I’m still on the unemployment train, I thought I’d have a look to see what treasures 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015 had left for me before my imminent birthday this year. So, having briefly perused Wikipedia, I was quite pleased to see a palatable list that I’ve already (for the most part) seen and, more importantly, didn’t hate. My provisional list is: Premium Rush, You’re Next, Sinister 2 and, for 2014 and today’s entry, Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. I’ll also update the scores for the first run through after I catch up with 2016’s entry.

Contains new material written especially for Werewolves on the Moon that isn’t as good as the material that has already been published in this series (heh) and spoilers below

Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 12 part 2. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

You can always tell when JPT is struggling with a review. I don’t read them before they go live, aside from the obligatory run of a spell check, but if I see the presence of a naked/ scantily clad leading lady on the bottom then it’s better than even chance that he’s hated the movie. Anyhow, he’s right this is a turd of a film.

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfercomes complete with all of the problems of the first film, but adds the kryptonite of comic book films: a dance scene. Name me one good comic book movie with a dance scene in it? Spidey 3? How about Iron Man 2? Nope, there isn’t one.

Anyhoo, this also features a space surfing silver Oscar statue with no penis, so there must be some amusement there, surely… Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 12. The Fantastic 4

He’s hitting the dregs in this series now. Having waded through some serious poop in the form of Ghost Rider (you are aware JPT that the new one is out soon, and it’s your birthday! Not to mention that it’s directed by the two Crank monkeys, you lucky dog), Elektra et al, but it is now time for the Fantastic 4 to gangbang his fragile little mind into submission. Personally, I think he passed that point roughly at That Darn Cat in his ill-fated Birthday Series, but it looks like I could be wrong. So, with no more dull preamble from me, here’s Just Pillow Talk with the first of his less-than-Fantastic 4 reviews.  Read More…

Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Valentine’s Day (2010)

Oh dear. In an effort to appease a clearly, and justifiably, irate Mrs. Pillow, he’s shunted his trump card up the order. Said trump card is a Rom Com (which she likes) starring people she likes and should buy him enough brownie points to negotiate some of the stinkers on the list.

Unfortunately for him, the film in question, Valentine’s Day, is a platinum stinker that Jonah rated as the worst film he saw in 2010. Given the amount of films he sees, that’s some claim.

So, how did our correspondent do? Did he agree, but more importantly, what’s his justification for going so ludicrously picture happy? Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Machete

Why do I want to be a real person when I’m already a myth?

Jarv’s rating: One and a half Changs out of four. By far the best of the modern exploitation films, and the first half an hour is legitimately funny. However, the film can’t maintain it, by definition, as it is a one joke concept. As the film tires, it becomes less and less amusing, and the feeling that they threw the kitchen sink at the concept lingers long after the final credits. Basically, pretty shit, but better than Hobo With a Shotgun and Nude Nuns with Big Guns. 

As Oasis sang in the 90’s: “I’m freeeeeeee to do whatever I want” and in this case whatever I want does certainly not include post-modern ironic modern exploitation films. I’m pig fucking sick of them as they’re all garbage, most are mean spirited and even this, the best of them, is a one-joke film that becomes absolutely painful to watch after a while. Machete is another one spawned from the Grindhouse experiment, and is the film that sports the best cast, has the best intentions and best understands the ethos they were aiming for. That doesn’t make it any good, though. These films piss me off. Read More…

Koutchboom’s Adventures In Terrible Comedy – The Love Guru

Sad Clown

Some people have accused me of liking trash because I’ve enjoyed some of the recent comical offerings that Hollywood is pooping out. Films like The Hangover, Hot Tub Time Machine, Tropic Thunder, Twilight: New Moon. So I’m on a quest to find the lowest of low (though I’ve already found it, it goes by the name of ‘Year One’) in comedies. There are a slew of terrible comedies released every week it seems, while I will not be able to see all of them I at least have 5-6 movies lined up before I can’t stand the unhilarity anymore. Without furthering my adieu I bring you the first bag of sadness…The Love Guru.

Read More…