Tag Archive | Jason Statham

A look at 2013: January to March

2013-HeaderIt’s a new year. Time for resolutions, fresh starts, life changing decisions and all that bollocks. It’s also a good time to evaluate the cinematic landscape that we’ll be navigating in the new year. 2012 was, let’s face it, a very mixed bag in terms of cinema. Some good, a lot of bad, but mostly it was content with mediocrity. Will 2013 be any different? Let’s take a look.

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Made In Britain: Gnomeo and Juliet

If there’s one thing I hate, then it’s the Welsh. However, if there are a few other things that I really detest then they are Elton John and Garden Gnomes. Both represent individually the naffest and most embarrassing output of the United Kingdom and I do wish both of them would fuck off back to the 70’s where they belong. Seriously, is there anything more crap in the known universe than a little ceramic cunt spoiling an otherwise lovely lawn? Or the sound of Elton John murdering some nauseating power ballad to a woman that he didn’t know, or even worse, rewriting it for the People’s Princess (excuse  me while I go and vomit somewhere)? Actually, in fairness, and I suppose I should be fair, there is a practical use to the humble garden gnome: it’s that the presence of one in a garden is a cast-iron signifier that a complete and utter cunt lives in the house. Or alternatively a pensioner. One of the two, anyway. So, this does beg the question, what in the name of Lucifer’s bunghole was I doing watching a film produced by Elton John and his husband retelling Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet with garden gnomes? Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Death Race (2008)

I’ve developed a new theory about Paul W.S. Anderson. I have decided that the persecution complex that I’d developed regarding him going out of his way to find material that I like to then rape in front of me was just nothing more than paranoia talking. Now, my new theory is this: he was bullied in school, and the kids that bullied him were into “cool” things like zombies etc. As a result of this, when he quite inexplicably managed to become a success as an adult, he went back and all his films now are an attempt to appeal to the lost little boy crying in the corner having been ignored by the cool clique. However, the reason that those kids ostracised the little twerp is that he has absolutely no concept about what made these subjects cool in the first place. Now, to disguise his ineptitude, he pretends that the remakes/ destruction of these very films are actually prequels to those original classics. So, in the case of the terrible first Resident Evil movie, he hasn’t botched the adaptation of the game, because his piss-poor cretinous version of it is really a prequel. Which brings me round to Death Race (release date 22nd August in the USA). I unashamedly love the Carradine/ Stallone original, being a wacky blend of dystopia, satire and all round craziness. Little touches such as Euthanasia Day at the hospital always make me smile and I do have to admit that when I heard that Anderson was helming the remake (sorry, prequel), a small piece of my childhood started crying before fetching the doll to show the officer where the bad man touched it.

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Jarv’s Birthday Series: War (2007)

Well, I’m now up to the year 2007 in the Birthday Series, and as I approach the finish line, with only Death Race as a problem film ahead of me (fingers crossed for Conan), I’m stuck with having to write a review for the most mundane, uninspired film that’s come up. I’m actually struggling to pen this, so I’ll open with an easy question:

War, huh, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.  Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (Director’s Cut)

God damn it. The monkey is right about this. It clearly, clearly sucks cock. In fact, it sucks cock for so long and with such dedication that it might as well be trying for an award for fellatio. I don’t know where I got the delusion that In the Name of the King was remotely acceptable from (that’s a bit of a lie, actually, I do know and I’ll come to it in a moment), but this is 2 hours and 35 minutes of fun and games of utter mind-numbing tedium. I seem to remember the monkey making some joke about being mugged by boredom and well, he’s completely correct. This is a boring film. In fact, In the Name of the King is so boring it’s like being clobbered over the head by a giant Excel manual. Pah. Read More…