Tag Archive | horror film

Post Millennial Trauma: The Roost(2005)

There’s really no way around this and it makes this series a bit redundant, but the best Horror film of 2005 was also one of the best films full stop of the last decade: Neil Marshall’s magnificent The Descent. We’ve covered this so extensively that I cannot be bothered to go over it again. So, if you’re interested in that fantastic film (or at least what we think about it) my Pulitzer worthy review is here, or Droid’s is here Read More…

Post Millennial Trauma: Dumplings (2004)

God damn it, I didn’t want to do this film. I really didn’t. I’ve scoured the internets and read list after list after list of films in 2004 hoping against hope that there was an overlooked horror film in there that I hadn’t seen that could maybe do. However, having read hundreds of these things, I was eventually forced to either concede and do Shaun of the Dead (Frank’s Saw marathon put paid to that one) which is a comedy, or damn it, delve into this film that I saw a while ago and swore blind that I would never watch again. Needless to say, I’ve gone with the latter.

If you are of a nervous disposition and succumb to nausea easily then I suggest that you don’t read on, as I am going to have to put in a pretty strong spoiler. If you are armed with Dramamine or have no qualms then go for it, but consider yourselves warned. Basically, don’t read this at lunch as you’ll go right off it.

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Post Millennial Trauma: A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)

I’ve had to bump this film up the reviewing schedule due to being too lazy to review things at home (and yesterday too drunk) and because my next few reviews are boob filled extravaganzas I can’t get the pictures for them at work. I also can’t think of a suitable boob cover for one of them either. Honestly, it’s ridiculous- if I put the title in to Google it just spits out millions of images of naked chicks, and as such is making me wonder if I didn’t accidentally watch a porn. I’m pretty certain I didn’t as there were a good few killings, but still, there was lesbianage, boob, minky, more boob, unconvincing shagging and more than one porn moustache.

Before I ramble off to badly on a boob filled digression instead here’s the banner carrying horror film from 2003, and there’s nary a jugg to be seen…

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Porn Shoot Massacre

Any more of this, and you’re going in the closet with the dead midget

Jarv’s Rating: 0.5 Changs out of 4– Quite spectacularly shit. A huge amount of juggs and a fetish midget are all that save this dismal garbage from the dreaded Orang of Doom.

I was always inevitably going to watch and review a film called Porn Shoot Massacre. Sadly, though, it’s crap and I had to have two attempts at watching it. This at least, I suppose, shows dedication to the cause. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Fear Island

She was an innocent!

Jarv’s Rating: I give it an utterly bored 1 Chang, with the proviso that if they hadn’t attempted so hard to be a murder mystery as well and embraced the slasher nuttiness then I may have been tempted to upgrade it to one and a half.

Mrs Jarv is for the most part a fantastic woman that’s more than willing to put up with my various inanities, laziness and other personal defects. However, she does have one glaring character flaw that simply defies any attempt at rational explanation: she loves slasher films. This deep-rooted psychological failing has meant that I’ve had more drecky teen slasher garbage inflicted on me than anyone remotely healthy should have, and some of the absolute dogshit that I’ve sat through since Lovefilm went on the PS3 simply defies logic. I mean she actually likes Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet for non salacious reasons. Not to mention that she liked Hatchet itself. I didn’t. I thought it was wank. Fear Island was one of the more recent slashers that we’ve sat through, and she liked it. Me? I’m not so sure. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Boo

Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy.

I decided to review one hopefully underexposed “top” horror film from every year for my Post Millennial Trauma section. As a result, I’ve waded through an enormous amount of schlocky crap from the more fallow years of the 21st Century hoping against hope to find something that would fit the bill. The vast majority of the films that I inflicted on myself are absolutely terrible and not even worth comment (Bloody Mary), being a hateful combination of inept, uninspired and frankly fucking boring. I toyed with whether or not to even bother writing this review, and in the end have decided to for two reasons: it’s got Dee Wallace Stone in it, and we all like her, and more importantly, the writer/ director actually started out writing for Fangoria. If that hack can produce such an obvious piece of Orang of Doom worthy shit then surely us good Changians must be able to raise the funding for the eagerly awaited masterpiece that is Astrodykes v Werewolves on the Moon.

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Good Vampire Films: Frostbite

It’s been a hell of a long time since I’ve attempted one of these and that’s purely down to how many desperate vampire films I’ve seen. I know that vampires and vampire lore has been plundered throughout the decades, and that each new attempt has to give the mythology a modern twist, but is there anything out there more pathetic than the current romantic vampire idea propagated so eagerly by the likes of Twilight and True Blood? It’s an astonishingly inept take on the monster- a Vampire is a predator that feeds on human blood. He is not some sort of English fantasy figure. Therefore, I’ve taken it upon myself to root around in the genre to try to find some examples that are worth looking at. This time, it’s the mostly unheralded Swedish 2007 film Frostbite. Read More…

Post Millennial Trauma Part 1: Audition (2000)

This century has so far been really dreadful for horror and as a result we spend a quite remarkable amount of time debating torture porn:  is such and such a torture porn film, what qualifies as torture porn, if that qualifies then why doesn’t this, and so forth. So once every now and again I’m going to look at a Horror film from each year in the 21st Century that I think is worth a look. From the outset, let me make this crystal clear: I hate torture porn. Eli Roth and his foul ilk can go and suck a fat one as far as I’m concerned. So, there will be little of that evil nonsense polluting this series.

So, here we go, the first of the Post Millennial Horror films: Audition. Read More…

Fields of Gold? Please Fuck off Sting: Children of the Corn: Revelation

This has been an epic trawl through some of the most unremarkable films that I’ve ever gone on. Honestly, it makes the succinct Phantasm series look like a masterpiece of brevity. Nevertheless, I’m into the home straight now, I can see the line and the pub just beyond it where there is a lovely pint of Guinness waiting for me as a reward for making it this far.

Having said that, there are still some potential pit falls on the way, not least of which is this film. I skirted up close to it, had a good long look and decided to jump in. And you know what? It’s not that bad. Compared to Part 6, it’s positively brilliant.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault- Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet

Tell us a Mary Hatchet story

Jarv’s Rating: 1.5 Changs out of 4. A bit shit, and quite in bad taste, but not the worst film that I’ve ever seen. There’s a quite staggering amount of gratuitous nudity though, and that always helps to pass the time.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve done one of these, so excuse me if I’m a bit rusty.

I’m venturing back into the vault because as it was Halloween, I watched a quite phenomenal amount of low rent horror. Most of it wasn’t really worth commenting on, and that fucking Children of the Corn series is killing me, but mixed in amongst it was this sleazy fucking slasher/ ghost film hybrid from 2009. Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet is, to quote Droid, somewhat dodgy. However, I’ve never let that stop me in the past, so I’m not going to let it stop me now. Read More…