Tag Archive | Gore

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Spirit Camp

Never underestimate the power of cheer!

Back when I reviewed Bring it On for my birthday series, I seriously spent a large amount of time fantasising about what if this vacuous crap was actually a slasher movie and a big lug in a melted William Shatner mask would jump out and slaughter the cast of single-dimensional tarts in the film. And lo, as if by magic, someone called Kerry Beyer heard my prayers and decided that he would reinvigorate the tired slasher genre by, er, remaking Friday 13th but with a camp full of cheerleaders.

This should be joyous, surely?

Contains an inexplicably large dildo and spoilers below. Read More…

BRAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNSSSS!!! Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave

Time to expand on my new Return of the Living Dead hypothesis. I think it’s kind of anti-Star Trek. The theory goes with Star Trek that only the even numbered ones are any good (I heartily dispute this regarding part 4: Save the Whales), and Return of the Living Dead is the opposite. So far, 1 is gold, 2 is garbage, 3 is Silver, 4 is utter garbage. So presumably, following on, 5 (Rave to the Grave) will also therefore win a medal of some description, possibly a bronze. Well, no, it’s not that good. However it did at least make the final and hasn’t embarrassed itself in any way. For a start, it does actually resemble a Return of the Living Dead film, and while I hate the central character Julian (John Keefe from Part 4) the presence of gore, comedy and nudity automatically raise it above the quite filthy depths that Necropolis had sunk the series to.

This is a Return of the Living Dead film, so nudity, gore, laughs and Spoilers lurk below. Read More…

BRAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNSSSS!!! The Return of the Living Dead Series. Part 1: Jarv looks back at Return of the Living Dead 1-3.

Next up on my quest through horror movie series is the incomparable Return of the Living Dead. The original Return of the Living Dead (here on referred to as ROTLD)was one of my first Vault reviews from way back in the Summer of 2009, and to be honest, it doesn’t read anywhere near as well now as I thought it did. I followed this with ROTLD 2 in November 2009, and again, it’s not my most sophisticated piece of criticism ever. I finally took on ROTLD 3 last year, as part of my quest to watch every Brian Yuzna film ever made, and the review is a bit better. But what is Return of the Living Dead, I hear you ask?

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Made in Britain: Stalker (2011)

Stalker is another film that our very own Col. Tigh Fighter found the location for, so as such I almost feel duty bound to review it, especially when I also interviewed producer Jonathan Sothcott for Pop Culture Ninja on White Collar Hooligan. So, here we go, another of the seemingly endless chain of UK Horror movies that have sprung up like toadstools after rain since 2010. This time around, the pedigree isn’t too bad with former Spandau Ballet and Eastenders escapee Martin Kemp helming, Sothcott producing and Jane March, Billy Murray and Colin Salmon in prominent parts. It’s also “inspired by” the only British film to ever make the video nasty list, the repugnant (or so I am informed, I haven’t seen it) Exposé, also known as The House on Straw Hill.

Contains a very strange floater and spoilers below Read More…

The Lovefilm Experiment: Adam Chaplin

Step right up, step right up. Who wants to chance their arm on a lucky dip from Lovefilm’s recommendations?

The options are:

  1. Adam Chaplain
  2. Biutiful
  3. Cell 211
  4. Lovefilm’s trailer reel (out, for reasons too obvious to go in to)
  5. The Dark Knight
  6. Batman Begins
  7. Stargate
  8. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (out, previously reviewed here)
  9. 300
  10. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

So, to the Random Number Generator- an 8 or a 4 means I’m respinning. Here we go….

And lucky winner is Adam Chaplin, something I’ve never even heard of before. Still, it can’t be worse than the last effort- the frankly piss poor The Bounty Hunter.

Contains truly ridiculous levels of violence and spoilers below Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Street Trash


Get a fuckin’ job!

I haven’t done a vault review for a while, due to being perpetually distracted by the Birthday series, and as a result I’ve partially forgotten the format for these. So bear with me a bit on this one. My research this morning has told me that Street Trash is considered by many to be a masterpiece of “grindhouse”, a slick and gory black comedy made for peanuts; an archetype of modern exploitation that transcends its humble origins and becomes something more despite the almost total absence of budget. I’m not so sure I agree.

Contains melty tramps and spoilers below.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Nazis at the Centre of the Earth

The only way we will survive is if we pick a side

A plague on Asylum. Seriously, these hacks give schlock films a bad name. Their Modus Operandi is so predictable and so god damned annoying that I genuinely resent them for it. This is how the average Asylum film comes into being: they scour the internets to see what film has a “Buzz” about it. They then watch the trailer/ look at the promo art for it. Having decided that there is something there, they then shamelessly plagiarise the material, changing one major and many minor details. The victim of choice this time? Iron Sky. The problem here is that the trailer to Iron Sky bears little resemblance to the actual film. In all honesty, I was expecting Iron Sky to be a lot closer to Asylum’s attempt rather than the film it turned out as, so I can easily see how they were misled.

May contain a deeply confused Jake Busey and Spoilers below

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Demons

I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s the movie that’s making this happen! 

Scream 2 has basically one scene to recommend it: the opening in the cinema. This sequence is so good that it buys the film a lot of credit that it basically doesn’t deserve. Knowing what I know about the Scream films, and Kevin Williamson’s writing in general, it may come as absolutely no surprise to discover that the best scene in Scream 2 has been done before, and done better. I’m sure it was probably done before Demons, but Lamberto Bava’s 1985 zombie/ demon schlockfest is a hugely entertaining little movie that makes the most out of a very simple premise, and I would not be at all surprised to discover that he ripped this film off for his opening. Read More…

Made In Britain: Doghouse (2009)

I’m starting to develop a real soft spot for Jake West. I’ve only seen two of his three full length films so far, this and Evil Aliens, and he strikes me as a potentially fantastic schlock director. Evil Aliens was unashamedly crass, frequently hilarious and contained moments that could best be described as genius. Doghouse, his third film, has much more of a budget to play with and attracted a fine cast but still manages to contain the anarchic humour and flat-out carnage of his earlier effort.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Alien vs Ninja


Here in the Vault it has been noted that I’ve got a bit of  a blind spot for these silly low-budget Japanese gorefests. Previous classics that I’ve given my much-coveted seal of approval to include nonsense such as Vampire Girl v Frankenstein Girl, which I think I’m the only person on the planet that likes. However, this little gem promised from the trailer to be something really quite special. Not to mention look at the marketing for it: that fucking quote above is the tagline for the movie! How inspired, and it instantly raised Alien Vs Ninja up my list of films to be watched. My only qualm was that movie with “Versus” in the title are invariably dreadful and long experience has taught me that they should be treated with the same degree of caution that Don Murphy treats Weightwatchers meetings with. Seriously, look at the long and sorry list of them (I’m certain there’s a series here for someone when he’s finished being destroyed by Marvel): Alien v Predator, Alien v Predator: Rectum, Freddy v Jason, all of the “Stupid Animal A” v “Stupid Animal B” films, and so forth. Not one of the above mentioned, aside from maybe Freddy v Jason on a very generous day, I would rate even as high as mediocre. The problem here is how does a film maker live up to the premise of the title? Read More…