Tag Archive | Ghosts

Wolf Sees Ghosts: The Eagerly Un-Awaited Return Of Most Haunted

mh07

I should’ve posted this over a month ago but I got ‘sidetracked’. Slightly out of date, I suppose, but never mind. It’s a piece about the resurrection of the cowardly TV paranormal investigation team, Most Haunted

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Forget Me Not

Forget-me-not-poster

Who’s Chad? He’s the pretty boy you fucked yesterday!

This is quite funny. When I found this lurking in Lovefilm’s watch now section, I thought Forget Me Not was obvious schlock vault fodder. And it is. But what’s amusing is that I’d had exactly the same thought back in October last year, and watched half the film to, erm, totally forget about it and thus fail dismally to watch (let alone review) the second half. I’m a genius- forgetting about the existence of a film called Forget Me Not. Anyway, such is my dedication to the vault, I thought I’d give it a spin anyway.

Contains a wonderfully trashy chick, shit ghosts, and spoilers below Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Schock (1980)

As has been oft-noted on the various odysseys through the Birthday Series that we’ve done, the closer to the 1970’s you get, the more difficult it is to find the release dates of films. Wikipedia can only help out so much. So, turning to other sources, I find myself digging deep into the dregs of the internet to root out a film, any film, released remotely near to my date of birth. Sometimes this works out just fine, but on other occasions it can throw up some utter dross, or even worse than that Italian horror. So, with no further preamble, let me introduce you to the late unlamented Mario Bava’s last work, cleverly entitled “Schock”. Or Beyond the Door 2 if you’re American.

Contains woman possibly going insane or maybe not and massive, massive spoilers below.

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The Uninvited (2009)

Directors: The Guard Brothers

Starring: Emily Browning, Elizabeth Banks, Arielle Kebbel

Release date: 30 January (US). With every passing year on the list, the more bored I get. Can The Uninvited give me a boost? Recent filmic experience tells me, probably not. May contain Shyamalan shenanigans and spoilers…

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Jarv actually gets off his lazy arse and sees the UK premiere of The Innkeepers

I don’t tend to go to too many film festivals in the UK. The last one I attended was the utterly disastrous  London Sci-Fi festival last year which gave me the distinct pleasure of seeing the disappointment of the year in Splice (although it did introduce us to lovable tub of lard Murphy). This year, me and Droid got our shit together and went down to Frightfest in Leicester Square for Ti West’s new effort The Innkeepers- which came complete with Q&A session afterwards. Read More…

The Grudgrilogy by Frank Marmoset

When someone dies in the grip of a powerful rage… A curse is born.

The curse gathers in that place of death.

Those who encounter it will be consumed by its fury.

And then they will make nine films about it.

But Frank will only review the three American ones… Because he’s lazy and too dumb for subtitles.

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Fields of Gold? Please Fuck off Sting: Children of the Corn: Revelation

This has been an epic trawl through some of the most unremarkable films that I’ve ever gone on. Honestly, it makes the succinct Phantasm series look like a masterpiece of brevity. Nevertheless, I’m into the home straight now, I can see the line and the pub just beyond it where there is a lovely pint of Guinness waiting for me as a reward for making it this far.

Having said that, there are still some potential pit falls on the way, not least of which is this film. I skirted up close to it, had a good long look and decided to jump in. And you know what? It’s not that bad. Compared to Part 6, it’s positively brilliant.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Outpost

“I don’t trust scientists”

Jarv’s rating: 2.5 Changs out of 4

A pox on the fucking supermarket. How dare they put DVD’s of schlock for less than £3 next to the fucking checkout. Seriously, I’m a mug and this just sucks me in every time- I’m going to run out of shelf space at this rate. I’m going to either have to grow some self-restraint, or send Mrs. Jarv to do the shopping.

Nevertheless, Let’s look at the rules for low-budget horror: if in doubt add zombies. If still in doubt then add some Nazi’s too. It’s a formula that should always lead to good dirty fun.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Dead Birds

“I’ve saved your life many times”

“That doesn’t mean it belongs to you”


Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 most unexpected Changs out of 4.

What in this day and age does £1 buy you? 2 Snickers bars, less than 3 cigarettes, less than half a pint of beer, a bag of crisps, or, if you’re really lucky, a completely unexpected film.

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