Tag Archive | Fun

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: DeepStar 6

Well, at least Snyder will get his name in the Guinness book of records. I mean, causing two nuclear explosions in one afternoon has to be some sort of record. 

I’m a big fan of monster films, and 1989 was a good year for them. With the advent of Cameron’s Aliens under the ocean fiesta The Abyss, two other studios rushed their films into production to try to latch on to the end  of all that lovely salty money. The first was Leviathan, which I reviewed here ages ago, and I still rate it as a cracking little film. The second, and the subject of today’s vault review is DeepStar 6. Both of these films have more in common with each other than they do with the Abyss, being as they are both about large and angry beasts eating stranded crew than the more benign and helpful underwater monsters in the Abyss. The threat in Cameron’s effort is very much from the humans on board, but here it’s all about the monsters picking off our hapless stereotypes one by one.

Angry sea monsters and spoilers lurk below the waterline

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Alien vs Ninja


Here in the Vault it has been noted that I’ve got a bit of  a blind spot for these silly low-budget Japanese gorefests. Previous classics that I’ve given my much-coveted seal of approval to include nonsense such as Vampire Girl v Frankenstein Girl, which I think I’m the only person on the planet that likes. However, this little gem promised from the trailer to be something really quite special. Not to mention look at the marketing for it: that fucking quote above is the tagline for the movie! How inspired, and it instantly raised Alien Vs Ninja up my list of films to be watched. My only qualm was that movie with “Versus” in the title are invariably dreadful and long experience has taught me that they should be treated with the same degree of caution that Don Murphy treats Weightwatchers meetings with. Seriously, look at the long and sorry list of them (I’m certain there’s a series here for someone when he’s finished being destroyed by Marvel): Alien v Predator, Alien v Predator: Rectum, Freddy v Jason, all of the “Stupid Animal A” v “Stupid Animal B” films, and so forth. Not one of the above mentioned, aside from maybe Freddy v Jason on a very generous day, I would rate even as high as mediocre. The problem here is how does a film maker live up to the premise of the title? Read More…

Casper in a GIANT ROBOT SUIT v ANGRY SPACE BUGS!!! Starship Troopers 3: Marauder

There was always inevitably going to be a sequel to Starship Troopers. However, the first attempt at it, Hero of the Federation, was a steaming load of rubbish. So time passed, and the memory of the awesomeness of Starship Troopers began to fade. Yet, people didn’t lose faith, we hoped that one day there would be another stab at Heinlen’s novel and it would contain the big robot suits that everyone familiar with the story always hoped for. Then in 2009 Edward Neumeier, writer of the original, managed to scrape together the cash, offered Casper payment and finally managed to bring Jonny Rico back to the world in his directorial debut for more sharp satire, bug stomping awesomeness and inexplicable random acts of nudity. Starship Troopers 3 can never live up to the original, because that’s inconceivable, but what it does manage to be is a pretty damned entertaining film in its own right.
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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Beyond Re-Animator

That 3 Years I spent in solitary…. I did some of my very best work!

Jarv’s Rating: Two and a Half Changs out  of Four. While the law of diminishing returns is definitely kicking in with the Re-Animator series, there’s still much more to like here than dislike.

I’m feeling both extremely pleased and extremely cross with myself. Pleased because as of this morning  I have now completed the Re-Animator series and am approaching completion in both 100% Stuart Gordon (and brilliantly now also 100% Brian Yuzna), which is, let’s face it, a billion times better than the 100% PWS Anderson that I accidentally managed last month. However, I’m cross with myself because this is easily the best non-Evil Dead horror trilogy that I’ve seen and I should have epic reviewed it in Frank and Droid style. Moreover, I’m actually cross with the world in general, because there isn’t a Re-Animator Box Set available. Why the fuck not? I really want to buy it, and I think it would sit proudly on my shelf with the Pot of Gore, Attack Pack and Evil Dead collections. Read More…