Tag Archive | Exploitation

Jarv develops a DEATH WISH

Death Wish Poster

Don’t panic people. Despite my unemployed status, I’ve not really got an actual Death Wish. Rather, I’ve decided that I need a new series and Bronson’s cottage industry of one man ultraviolence strikes me as the answer (mostly because of the third one, if I’m honest). Anyhow, here we’ll be reviewing all 5 Death Wish films, chronicling one man army Paul Kersey taking justice to the punks of New York and Los Angeles. First up, is seminal 1970’s exploitation “classic” Death Wish. Obviously.

Contains Creeps and Spoilers below.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Boston Girls

Boston-Girls-cover

Slam Pig! 

I have genuinely come to the conclusion that modern exploitation films tend to be hideous. It is true, though, that almost all exploitation has been awful, with only a few gems standing out from the crowd, but the difference was that the 1970’s films were attempting to overcome limitations imposed on them by budget, talent, time and so forth and there were a few that genuinely transcended their lowly origins. Whereas 21st Century exploitation has none of the limitations the 70’s film makers had to overcome, and instead intentionally makes the films shoddy, grainy and more seriously unpleasant than they had to be. It was with this in mind that I decided to inflict Boston Girls on myself, and I didn’t have a lot in the way of hope for it.

Contains cack handed faux feminism and spoilers below  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Cherry Bomb

You had your cherry popped

This should be gold.

Yes, that’s right, I’m wallowing in the grimy pit of modern grindhouse again, because I clearly haven’t learned my  lesson from recent fiascoes such as Hobo with a Shotgun, Nude Nuns with Big Guns and so forth. Given my utterly atrocious track record picking films from this sad and benighted genre, you’d think I would have stopped. Except I keep seeing exceptional posters for them, such as the one above, and I instantly forget about the maxim “never judge a book by its cover”. In my defence, though, this is billed as a rip-roaring revenge tale about a stripper on the warpath, which does sound right up my alley.

Contains an enormous hitman with an inexplicable afro and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Street Trash

 

Get a fuckin’ job!

I haven’t done a vault review for a while, due to being perpetually distracted by the Birthday series, and as a result I’ve partially forgotten the format for these. So bear with me a bit on this one. My research this morning has told me that Street Trash is considered by many to be a masterpiece of “grindhouse”, a slick and gory black comedy made for peanuts; an archetype of modern exploitation that transcends its humble origins and becomes something more despite the almost total absence of budget. I’m not so sure I agree.

Contains melty tramps and spoilers below.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault Special: Toadkillerdog recommends…

Who the fuck do you think you are, man?

Just a madman

I’ve fallen for this before, frankly, and been badly burnt. The first time was ContinentalOp’s hideous call on Thundercrack! (read the trauma here, it’s as funny for everyone that isn’t me now as it was then), and then TKD’s Galaxina failed to raise more than the odd chuckle. However, the amphibian slaughtering canine has been on about this one for a while, and I’ve finally found both it and the time to watch it when the missus isn’t here. So, with no further ado on TKD’s recommendation, I give you a Schlock Vault Special: Massacre at Central High, which despite the title, isn’t a slasher. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Contains teenage kicks and spoilers below.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Machete

Why do I want to be a real person when I’m already a myth?

Jarv’s rating: One and a half Changs out of four. By far the best of the modern exploitation films, and the first half an hour is legitimately funny. However, the film can’t maintain it, by definition, as it is a one joke concept. As the film tires, it becomes less and less amusing, and the feeling that they threw the kitchen sink at the concept lingers long after the final credits. Basically, pretty shit, but better than Hobo With a Shotgun and Nude Nuns with Big Guns. 

As Oasis sang in the 90’s: “I’m freeeeeeee to do whatever I want” and in this case whatever I want does certainly not include post-modern ironic modern exploitation films. I’m pig fucking sick of them as they’re all garbage, most are mean spirited and even this, the best of them, is a one-joke film that becomes absolutely painful to watch after a while. Machete is another one spawned from the Grindhouse experiment, and is the film that sports the best cast, has the best intentions and best understands the ethos they were aiming for. That doesn’t make it any good, though. These films piss me off. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Hobo with a Shotgun

Well Abby, can I tell you something about bears?

Jarv’s Rating: The resident, now sadly absent, monkey, in a fit of positively zen like calm, once rated this film as one hobo with a shotgun out of one hobo with a shotgun, in that it is the quintessential example of a hobo with a shotgun. For my part, it can have one chang, because while it really is a very good example of a shotgun wielding itinerant, it isn’t an entertaining piece of exploitation and wonders dangerously near to torture porn on more than one occasion.

We can blame Cokey McFrankensteinhead for many of the sins that plague modern cinema, but there’s one sin that I really think we have to hold him and his cohort Robert Rodriguez to account for: the rise of the modern “exploitation” movie. Back before I realised that Tarantino was the cinematic embodiment of the stark bollock naked Emperor, I was genuinely quite excited by the thought of ultimate geek cinephile Tarantino making an homage to the 1970’s exploitation trash films. Sadly, the end product was the heinously bloated and monstrously boring Death Proof, where he managed to dash all the good will built up by Rodriguez’ mediocre Planet Terror and the incredibly entertaining intermission trailers. The Grindhouse film was, thankfully, a massive flop and Planet Terror and Death Proof were split up for most of the world, but as a completely unwanted side-effect it has so far managed to spawn two full length films from the trailer idea. The first is Rodriguez’ own Machete, and the second was the winner of a competition created specifically to promote Grindhouse, Jason Eisener’s Hobo with a Shotgun.

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Jarv’s Birthday Series: Reform School Girls (1986)

This may not come as much of a shock, but I’ve actually been genuinely surprised at the variety of film released round about my Birthday. On one hand there are some “family” films released, and then right at the other end of the spectrum there’s schlock like Class of 1984, and, more importantly, the subject of today’s review. Reform School Girls (release date 22nd August in America) is a film that I can guarantee would never get a release nowadays, particularly after Snyder ruined it for everyone with Sucker Punch, and represents a last hurrah for the exploitative Women in Prison movies of the late 1970’s. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Class of 1984 (1982)

1982 is regarded as being a generally storming year in film. Many a classic movie was released that year, just unfortunately none saw the light of day anywhere near 23rd August. However, in a stroke of massive good fortune this underrated piece of schlocky exploitation was released on 20th August in the USA. This was a result, actually, as the alternatives were almost horrid enough to derail the whole mission, particularly given what I’ve got coming for most of the rest of the 80’s. So, sit back and let me tell you about Lincoln High, a school where the kids are most certainly not alright. Read More…