Tag Archive | Ellen Barkin

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The Big Easy (1987)

I liked New Orléans when I went there years ago. A great atmosphere, easy women, alcohol by the bucketload- what’s not to love? Actually, and this reminds me, and it’s got less than nothing at all to do with the film but may strike a laugh, me and my mate were walking down Bourbon Street 3 sheets to the wind. We stopped to buy another daiquiri off a friendly native selling them from a stall, when I happened to glance up at the balcony of the bar opposite. On this balcony stands two of the best looking women that I’ve ever seen. They’re also clearly hammered, as they’re stripping for the pleasure of the crowd below. However, standing next to them was one of the least attractive and heftiest women that I saw in my entire time in America. She’s clearly 9 Sheets to a hurricane and for some reason best known to herself is also taking her clothes off. I take a swig of my drink, nudge my mate and say “Do you think her mother’s proud?”. Just as I’m going to take another swig of delicious beverage, I feel the clout of a meaty paw to the back of my head. I turn round to see a small and angry middle-aged woman glaring up at me with the vengeance of an angered god in her eyes. Before I can mutter a word, she screams out “I AM ACTUALLY”.

Anyway, that’s got less than nothing to do with the film, at all, so here we go with the review.

May contain stuffed alligators  and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension

Laugh-a while you can, monkey-boy.

I’m at a total loss where to begin with this one. Seriously, this may be one of the most bugnuts insane films ever made, and one I’ve been meaning to get my grubby little paws on for a long time. I’m completely stumped, and I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before. If I try to do a concise, professional review of this, then I’m going to completely understate the AWESOME, so I think the only way to approach this is to go as absolutely bugnuts as the film itself. This film is crazier than a bipolar weasel off his meds, and cooler than a polar bear’s nutsack. If I still handed out Chang ratings, then I’d be considering it for a maximum, and the very fact that it exists makes the world a better place. Read More…