Tag Archive | Demons

The Lovefilm Experiment: Adam Chaplin

Step right up, step right up. Who wants to chance their arm on a lucky dip from Lovefilm’s recommendations?

The options are:

  1. Adam Chaplain
  2. Biutiful
  3. Cell 211
  4. Lovefilm’s trailer reel (out, for reasons too obvious to go in to)
  5. The Dark Knight
  6. Batman Begins
  7. Stargate
  8. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (out, previously reviewed here)
  9. 300
  10. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

So, to the Random Number Generator- an 8 or a 4 means I’m respinning. Here we go….

And lucky winner is Adam Chaplin, something I’ve never even heard of before. Still, it can’t be worse than the last effort- the frankly piss poor The Bounty Hunter.

Contains truly ridiculous levels of violence and spoilers below Read More…

Advertisements

The Night of the Demons Series: The Remake 2010

What’s the point of this film? Seriously, someone tell me, why does this film exist? The original Night of the Demons films were cheap and cheerful schlockfests stuffed full of boob, gore, comedy and silliness. They were also made for practically  nothing, and coasted through on the charms of Amelia Kinkade as Angela, the hostess, quite literally, from hell. So, in 2009, some bright spark thought that it would be money in the bank to remake a mostly forgotten minor series, to update it for the kids in the 21st Century. Except they forgot one important thing: Night of the Demons without Amelia Kinkade is like reforming the Beatles with Julian Lennon in place of his father. Completely wrong, totally pointless and somewhat depressing. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Night of the Demons

Eat a bowl of fuck! I am here to PARTY! 

Jarv’s Rating: 2 and a half Changs out of 4. Good dirty fun, more juggs than you can shake a stick at (and some minky as well- honestly, getting the pictures was really tough for this one), lots of lovely gore and several hugely entertaining kills. Also atrociously acted and eventually becomes quite monotonous. 

I’d really like to try to write an adult, considered, well-reasoned review about this film. Except there’s no point. This is a slice of solid eighties schlock that’s mostly remarkable for a quite stupendous amount of boob on display. A really, really stupendous amount of utterly gratuitous boob on display, actually. Therefore, I’m completely and utterly incapable of addressing the various merits, or lack thereof, of this film, having instead regressed into being a teenager snickering away at the back. I’ll give it my best shot, because I’m a consummate professional, but I warn you now that it’s probably not going to happen.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!!!!

Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Evil Angel

I don’t do women

Jarv’s Rating: Two and a half Changs out of 4. My Christ this is confusing, but it’s propped up by a really good performance, a fair amount of boob, and some ropy CGI

This “Watch Now” Thing on Lovefilm really will be the death of me. The amount of mediocre/ extremely schlocky films that I’ve watched on it because the stupid interface on the PS3 won’t go beyond the first 100 titles is frankly getting absurd now. I was drawn to this film for the very simple, and monumentally stupid, reason that it had a nice picture, seemed like it may contain loads of nudity and starred a chick that I briefly remember thinking was smoking hot in Ugly Betty. Oh, and it also has Ving Rhames in it. Mind you, his presence in a film is no guarantee of quality. In fact, usually the reverse.

Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault- Blood: The Last Vampire


I never make mistakes

Jarv’s Rating: 1.5 Changs. Reasonably enjoyable stupid violent fun, but at the end of the day it’s heavily flawed and kind of shit.

Well, after the crushing disappointment that was Splice, I wasn’t feeling all that great about watching anything in particular, especially not anything that was released in the summer. However, at the same time, I’m busy watching as many vampire films as I can stomach in the hope of unearthing some that aren’t completely terrible and preferably nothing like the romance driven soppy vampiric drivel that plague the genre nowadays. Except, now that I’ve watched it I have to say that this isn’t  a vampire film.

Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Gate

 

Demons aren’t gonna ring the doorbell!

 Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs- enjoyable 80’s fun.

 This is one that I watched a bit ago and for one reason or another never got round to reviewing properly. Seeing as I’ve watched nothing for a while, I thought I’d dig this discarded review out of the pile, polish it up a wee bit and post it for today’s vault entry. I was prompted to do this by the frankly inexplicable news that this little gem is being remade, and not only that, but the man at the helm is none other than Alex Winter: Bill S. Preston, Esquire himself. Don’t fuck this up, “dude”. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Dead Birds

“I’ve saved your life many times”

“That doesn’t mean it belongs to you”


Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 most unexpected Changs out of 4.

What in this day and age does £1 buy you? 2 Snickers bars, less than 3 cigarettes, less than half a pint of beer, a bag of crisps, or, if you’re really lucky, a completely unexpected film.

Read More…