Tag Archive | Danny Trejo

The Kerse v Drugs: Death Wish 4: The Crackdown

Death Wish 4 poster

This is where the entertainment in the series stops. This is the first Death Wish film helmed by someone other than Winner, and when the fat hack left the series he seems to have taken 90% of the entertainment with him. Aside from one gleefully bugnuts moment (I have a gif of it coming up) Death Wish 4 is a monumental let down, being boring, pointless and wildly out of place with the rest of the Kerse’s adventures.

Contains an ON SCREEN death by RPG and spoilers below.  Read More…

Advertisements

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Machete Kills

Machete-Kills-poster

Machete don’t tweet

Machete-Kills-rating

Jarv’s rating: Approved, by the slimmest of margins. Actually manages to be better than the original, but not great overall, and toning down the nudity? What the fuck?

It’s been a good while since I’ve done a vault review, or even watched anything that would qualify as worthy of the vault, so this one may be a little rough round the edges. I’d even forgotten how I used to lay these reviews out when I started, so had to go back and have another look. *shudders* I really have watched some absolute rubbish over the years, but in amongst that mess I’ve had nothing but contempt for modern exploitation and have singularly bitched each and every one of them out that I’ve reviewed. Ranging from the deeply repellent (Nude Nuns or Hobo With a Shotgun) to the deeply boring and underpowered (Cherry Bomb), this misbegotten Tarantino spawned subsection of cinema struggles to produce anything remotely decent and seems to be thankfully going the way of the dodo. However, I suspect that the most successful iteration of it, Danny Trejo’s unstoppable Machete, may still have one last hurrah left in him before the “movement” ends.

Contains Carlos Estevez and Spoilers below Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Machete

Why do I want to be a real person when I’m already a myth?

Jarv’s rating: One and a half Changs out of four. By far the best of the modern exploitation films, and the first half an hour is legitimately funny. However, the film can’t maintain it, by definition, as it is a one joke concept. As the film tires, it becomes less and less amusing, and the feeling that they threw the kitchen sink at the concept lingers long after the final credits. Basically, pretty shit, but better than Hobo With a Shotgun and Nude Nuns with Big Guns. 

As Oasis sang in the 90’s: “I’m freeeeeeee to do whatever I want” and in this case whatever I want does certainly not include post-modern ironic modern exploitation films. I’m pig fucking sick of them as they’re all garbage, most are mean spirited and even this, the best of them, is a one-joke film that becomes absolutely painful to watch after a while. Machete is another one spawned from the Grindhouse experiment, and is the film that sports the best cast, has the best intentions and best understands the ethos they were aiming for. That doesn’t make it any good, though. These films piss me off. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Desperado (1995)

After Natural Born Killers stuck its unpleasant nose into my golden period, I’m pleased to slide back into the series on a high point. I like films like this, preposterous, overblown, ridiculous, comical, violent and action packed. It’s another slice of Dumbhouse gold, and given the very high-concept films surrounding it in this series (Freeway is next, and that’s an incredibly high-concept movie), a film about a large Mexican shooting people is a very, very pleasant diversion. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Alone in the Dark 2

You know, for the life of me, I cannot possibly think of one rational reason for this film to exist. Dr. Boll’s original was a steaming sack of crap that died on its ample arse at the box office, so I cannot genuinely believe that anyone was asking for a sequel. I know the original was number one in the German box office on DVD for a whole three weeks (to quote Alanis Morissette: “Fuck you Germany”) but, well, that’s Germany and they’ve got no fucking taste at all when it comes to culture. I know I hammered this home unsubtly last time, but I think it’s a bit fucking rich for the rest of the world to have a piss poor sequel inflicted on us because the nation with the taste bypass that committed the ongoing catalogue of atrocities that is The Scorpions liked it. For less than a month.

Pah, Germany clearly sucks, Read More…