It’s been long noted in the 5 years or so that we’ve been doing this that I’ll watch anything, and can usually find some enjoyment regardless of how wretched the subject matter. I’ve taken on series such as Children of the Corn that would have had the brain of a lesser man melting through boredom, and I’ve reviewed 165 schlocky low budget b-movie efforts. Therefore, when I say that I’ve struggled with this series, and damned nearly abandoned it, you get an idea about how awful this film is. I started this fucking series A YEAR AGO, and came within a gnat’s pubic hair of binning it as a rancid idea. But now I can say with some confidence that I’ve done it- I’ve now finished the Halloween films.
And it’s been a real struggle.
Contains mystifying sub-Lynchian dream sequences and spoilers below.
You want to know what this film is? No? Well, I don’t care, I’m telling you anyway. It’s cinematic necrophilia.
Resurrection had killed the series, again, but much like it’s protagonist it simply couldn’t stay dead. The concept still made money, so there was a desire to continue it in some way. Thankfully, Busta Rhymes v Myers was so piss poor that it killed the idea of a sequel in that continuity stone dead, but there’s one thing Halloween has always done: latch on to current trends. Sadly, the trend in the second half of the last decade was driven by Platinum Dunes and involved heinously awful plastic remakes of classics (or otherwise) of the genre. We’ve had Nightmare on Elm St, The Fog, Dawn of the Dead (obligatory fuck you Snyder), Day of the Dead, Prom Night, The Hitcher, Hills Have Eyes, The Crazies (arguably the best of the trend), The Omen, Black Christmas, My Bloody Valentine, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and so on and so forth. What this dismal list has in common (aside from that a significant number of them were date based slashers spawned by the original Halloween), is that only The Crazies is a decent film, and most of them not only miss the point of the originals, but manage to be shiny, polished but ultimately entirely boring entries into the genre. Read More…
Why won’t this bloody series die? I’ve now long passed the point where I wish I hadn’t started it, and I now actively resent the increasingly boring, turgid and unimaginative dreck with The Shape, robbed of all menace, tiresomely killing identikit teenagers. Halloween 5, to my mind, should represent the nadir of the series, as surely it can’t get any worse from here.
Contains your humble reviewer suffering from a nervous breakdown due to boredom, inexplicable attempts at explaining the mythology and spoilers below. Read More…
Halloween 3 made some money. This is fact. However, despite this, it was generally perceived as a failure for not making enough filthy moolah. The tragedy of this is that the idea of simply using the date as a launch point for a horror series of stand alone movies is a cracking one, and Halloween 4 was originally conceived as a ghost film. A large part of me wishes that they’d gone through with this idea, because if they had had the balls to do it, then there’s a high chance that the ghost installment of the franchise would have been far more interesting than this dull, unimaginative and frankly annoying piece of shit. But no, creativity lost the battle with the balance sheet, and instead we got the return of Michael fucking Myers that absolutely nobody was clamouring for.
Vampires, eh? Has there been a more maligned Horror genre in recent years than the vampire film? Seriously, they either sparkle in sunlight, inexplicably want to bang Anna Paquin and possibly themselves, or are metaphorically grooming small boys for nefarious purposes. In the meantime, a couple of films have come out that have attempted to breathe new life into arguably the most overplayed genre out there. A recent development (probably in an inevitably futile attempt to break the cycle of EMO rape-y douchebaggery), as seen last year in Daybreakers, is a post-apocalyptic twist: the bloodsuckers have won (and I don’t mean bankers) so how will mankind cope with being the food source in a devastated world? This year’s entry in my Post- Millennial Trauma series also follows this line: welcome to Stake Land. Bring your own garlic.
This is something that I’ve been toying with for ages, but the conversation earlier about Sleepy Hollow and whatnot finally motivated me to get moving on it. I’m going to cover as many films starring the future Buzz Armstrong as I can- that’s right, because I don’t watch enough shit for your amusement I’m inflicting the catalogue of the man who can’t say no to a paycheck on myself- so settle down, and rejoice in the start of Jarv’s series of the man called Casper’s films.
First up is an incredibly inauspicious 2006 TV movie: Meltdown. Or, as I like to think of it “Casper Van Dien v a hot spell”. It’s a bit of a con, actually, because Lovefilm billed this as Casper v Meteorite (which had so much potential for stupidity).