A Study in Boredom: Spider

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It has been absolutely murder wading through these last few films, and I can’t say I’ve enjoyed it in the slightest. Spider is the last of the “second shit period”, and thank the lord this is all out of the way. I’ve waded through drug trip nightmares in Naked Lunch, imbecilic transvestite-shagging weirdos in M. Butterfly, a veritable torrent of filth in Crash and the utter shitness of Existenz, yet this is the only film of this fallow period that I would describe as boring.

And boy is it boring.

Videodrome for Pussies: Existenz

Let me preface this chapter of the ongoing Cronenberg saga with a few choice words: Existenz is a shit film and a titanic fucking failure. It is creatively, developmentally and otherwise a massive misstep and the making of this film was, I believe, down to a loss of confidence from the usually assured Canadian after the critical and commercial mauling Crash received. It’s as if he returned to his earlier lauded work and produced a milquetoast, watered down, inept version of his earlier nightmarish Videodrome for purely misplaced commercial reasons. As such, Existenz is nuetered, boring, irrelevant and a complete waste of time for both film-maker and viewer.

Perverted Nihilism: Crash

For some completely inexplicable reason I’ve now seen this film four times, and I can’t say any one of those times could remotely be called enjoyable. Crash is, unquestionably, one of the most viscerally unpleasant films that it has been my misfortune to sit through. It’s an exercise in nihilistic misery and an examination of perversion with absolutely nothing insightful to say about the subject.

Should have gone to Specsavers: M. Butterfly

Christ, I don’t know where to begin with this one. I’ve tried to write it a few times without spoiling, but have been forced to conclude that the only sensible way to review this film is to review the spoiler in the film. I’ve come to this conclusion for two reasons: it’s fucking obvious, and furthermore it’s all over the internets. Nevertheless, on with the review…

Queers and Junk: Naked Lunch

I now return to the Cronenberg series after what feels like an eternity and I can’t say I’m taking much pleasure from the next few films. Naked Lunch is the starting point for “the second shit period” and although it isn’t as bad as I remembered it being, I can’t say that I actually enjoyed watching it.

Cronenberg’s Masterpiece: Dead Ringers

Apparently, I’m not equipped to review this film for 2 reasons. The first is, obviously, that I’m a colossal dunderhead with sensibilities fit for watching a dwarf eat his own head, but entirely unfit for watching subtle, psychological horror (and that I keep maintaining that Dead Ringers isn’t a horror film, but a tragedy). The second, and far more important one, is that I’m male and therefore the film doesn’t hit me in the genitals the same way that it does with women. For example, I have no fear at all of the gynaecologist.

Therefore, with no further ado, I hand you over to Mrs. Jarv. So behave yourselves, else I’ll set the boreworms on you.

This is how you do a remake: The Fly

Be Afraid. Be very afraid.

What a line. Geena Davis utters this much imitated piece of dialogue roughly two-thirds of the way through The Fly, Cronenberg’s seminal horror film. The Fly has everything: nail-biting horror, hard science fiction, superb writing, outrageous special effects, fine performances, repellent imagery and is one of the definitive horror films of the 80’s.

Cronenberg’s first adaptation: The Dead Zone

This is a most un-Cronenberg-of-the-80’s-film. It’s his first adaptation (and he really hasn’t done many) based on Stephen King’s successful novel. It really, for most of it, doesn’t qualify as a horror film and it doesn’t really seem to fit the whole body horror motif that he was working in. Nevertheless, The Dead Zone is a simply excellent film and probably the most underrated King adaptation out there. I am going to spoil here, so consider yourselves warned, but I believe that the spoilers in this film don’t negate enjoyment of it.

Cronenberg hits his stride: Scanners

Woo-hoo. Here we go…

Cronenberg’s public therapy session: The Brood

 

Finally, and I was owed this. Having waded through the bad Rabid and the absolutely awful Fast Company, I can’t begin to describe how pleased I am to see David Cronenberg hit his stride. The Brood is probably the quintessential Body Horror film, and deals with all the Cronenberg recurring themes in a story that is compelling, repulsive and more than a little unsettling.