Tag Archive | crap

Spanked by the Monkey: Battle for the Planet of the Apes

The Planet of the Apes films are hugely patchy. This is not even up for debate, as the range in quality is enormous. However, at the extreme ends of the spectrum lie the original and the last of the pre-remake films. Battle for the Planet of the Apes is the last, and by this stage it’s pretty obvious that nobody could really be arsed any more. Even McDowall seems to not give a toss about the series that became his most famous work, and this attitude is endemic across the entire film. Still, as this is the worst of the Apes films, bar Burton’s foetid mess, and so I feel fairly confident about my ability to make it through this series. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Machete

Why do I want to be a real person when I’m already a myth?

Jarv’s rating: One and a half Changs out of four. By far the best of the modern exploitation films, and the first half an hour is legitimately funny. However, the film can’t maintain it, by definition, as it is a one joke concept. As the film tires, it becomes less and less amusing, and the feeling that they threw the kitchen sink at the concept lingers long after the final credits. Basically, pretty shit, but better than Hobo With a Shotgun and Nude Nuns with Big Guns. 

As Oasis sang in the 90’s: “I’m freeeeeeee to do whatever I want” and in this case whatever I want does certainly not include post-modern ironic modern exploitation films. I’m pig fucking sick of them as they’re all garbage, most are mean spirited and even this, the best of them, is a one-joke film that becomes absolutely painful to watch after a while. Machete is another one spawned from the Grindhouse experiment, and is the film that sports the best cast, has the best intentions and best understands the ethos they were aiming for. That doesn’t make it any good, though. These films piss me off. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Exorcist: The Beginning(2004)

I’m not joking here, but I genuinely think that there is a serious case to be made for the last decade being the worst decade in cinematic history. Just going through the list of films released near my Birthday each year and I’m already four films in without anything that could fairly be rated as above average. For the love of Pazuzu, the 70’s of which I only witnessed 2 films had one classic and one excellent movie. Look at the rubbish I’ve sat through- seriously: Bring it on= crap; Heartbreakers= crap; S1m0ne= good effort, but fails; My Boss’s Daughter= utter crap. So will 2004 break the cycle with the long-awaited Exorcist Prequel (well, the second attempt at the long-awaited Exorcist Prequel)?

Advance warning: I’ve gone a bit picture happy, and there is an enormous spoiler in this review that I’ve got to blow, sorry, so if you care, don’t read this. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: My Boss’s Daughter (2003)

I’m in a filthy mood with this review series at the moment. I blame the 90’s, because it lured me into a false sense of security that there’s nothing in it that would be difficult to get through. This couldn’t be further from the truth, instead from 1999 to 2004 late August seems to be a dumping ground forthe most wretched garbage (honourable exception to S1m0ne which did at least try) that just make me want to punch the director, writer and lead actors. In this case, the film My Boss’s Daughter is so painfully, dreadfully unfunny that I spent a lot of time during the film plotting ways to take revenge on everyone involved with it, and I even drew up an inventory of items that I would need (razor wire, rubber hosing, a hungry badger and so forth). Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Bring It On (2000)

I winced when I saw the release date of Bring It On was 22nd August 2000. How on earth did I, of all people, manage to land myself a list with not one, not two, but THREE fucking dance based films on it? How am I the person to be reviewing them, it should be Koutch for fuck’s sake. It’s not as if any of them are any good. Furthermore, What the fuck is the point of this film? Seriously? This is a meme that I’ve used before, but it’s not even worth tugging over. It wasn’t in 2000, because the Internet existed, so there’s even less point to it now in 2011. Fuck this cretinous and annoying shit. Honestly, who thought a film about cheerleading competitions where the evil  (white) school has been exploiting the poor, honest (black) school and stealing from them was a good idea? Bring It On (what the fuck is “It” precisely?) is a massive waste of time stuffed full of bad performances, shit dialogue, cheerleading, Dunst, and other cardinal sins. That it’s also a massively patronising waste of time is merely coincidental.  Read More…

Kloipy survived Battlefield Earth. Piece of Cake

Somehow I managed to go 10 whole years without watching Battlefield Earth. I had heard the stories, read the reviews, but nothing ever brought me to just watch this cinematic Titanic. My best friend had told me about it a few weeks ago and it sounded hilarious so I said that we should watch it. I had no idea what was in store for me. Read More…