Tag Archive | Coolio

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Pterodactyl

Special agent Jarv here. License to watch and be rude about utter garbage. This time around, I kindly asked Droid what else he had on those tapes with the marketing douchebags, because he only listened to the MI2 bit, and I was curious what else was on there. In a strange aligning of the stars moment, it turns out that the producers for Pterodactyl also used that meeting room. What a freak stroke of luck. Anyhow, here’s the transcript: Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics. Number 5: Daredevil & Elektra

He’s a remarkably brave soul all things considered. These two films represent an OK first one and a frighteningly bad second one, so this cannot have been the easiest double bill ever attempted. However, he’s taken it on, and as a result got one of the more unwatchable Marvel films out of the way. 

That’s enough from me, here’s his double bill of funny book fun, be warned this review contains the startling admission that he wishes he were a blind Rob Schneider.  Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Dracula 3000

Did I ever tell you how many times I’d see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas… All the times I stayed up late, high as a kite, in the non-gravitational atmosphere, while I stroked my anaconda, and dreamed about your snow-white ass

Jarv’s Rating: Half a Chang- complete and utter shit. Crap vampire, crap action, waste of a good schlock cast, crap script, and a fucking terrible ending.

Fuck me. I can’t say I wasn’t warned, because that would be lying, but really this is just inexcusably bad. I wasn’t going to go anywhere near it, on the basis that even resident monkey said that it was terrible, and if he thinks it’s bad then we know it really is truly awful. However, I made the mistake of looking up the cast and blow me down: Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Coolio, and Tiny fucking Lister! How could this possibly be a sack of refuse? It can’t possibly be worse than Twilight, can it? Read More…

Drunken Cinema- January 2011

Righto chaps,

The last one of these was the exquisite Lifeforce (well, the exquisitely jugged Lifeforce) and what with it being a new year, we should clearly have another stab at it. I’m posting a poll on this page this evening (week before payday, am skint so not going out) with the suggested titles.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Convent

“My Brother’s the antichrist? Mom is gonna be pissed.” 

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs and I really want to give it more, but just can’t.

 This film is far better than the 2.5 Chang rating that I’ve given it in terms of entertainment. I watched it as part of my ongoing quest to find a witchcraft movie that doesn’t suck balls, and assumed a film called The Convent would be about black magic. Instead, and much to my amazement, I blundered into a rollicking little movie. The Convent is full of comedy, gore, ultraviolence, funny cameos and great laughs. It ain’t perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination, but it is great fun. Read More…

Leprechaun in the Hood

Once again, continuity is abandoned in a Leprechaun sequel. By this point in the series, this should really be expected. I do have to admire the inventiveness of the writers. It’s like they sat down, got a bit high, and then thought “You know, it would be fucking funny to do a film with our little cod-Irish magic midget in Compton. This is an absolutely smashing idea, and they don’t fuck it up at all- Leprechaun in the hood is every bit as good, if not better, as Leprechaun in Space, albeit far less insane. It doesn’t even make a pretence at horror this time out- there’s no grotesque monsters, the deaths are laughable rather than frightening, and much of the fun of the film comes from pure comedy rather than inept horror. Read More…