A Droid Premiere: Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Last month, DC attempted to launch a franchise by pitting its two most famous and beloved superheroes against each other. ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice’ turned out to be a bit of a mess. Some good things, and some not so good things. One of its biggest problems was that it felt overstuffed with characters and plot. Now, just a month later, Marvel is bringing us its own overstuffed movie that pits hero against hero. And while ‘Captain Himself: Fuck Everybody Else’ is just as long and just as loud as ‘Batman v Superman’, is it just as much of a mess? Let’s find out.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Apocalypse, part 3: Snowpiercer (2014)

I once toyed with the idea of doing a film series called “The Overrated” and jamming it full of terrible films that receive a vigorous critical nut massage, either by legitimate critics such as Bradshaw of The Guardian (looking at you, Bridesmaids), or from fat, terminally virginal “geek” reviewers (take your pick, there are millions of them), or even films that achieve massive critical and commercial acclaim across the board while, frankly, stinking (paging Forrest Gump). Anyway, I discarded the idea on the basis that each review would be a mixture of me ranting and being bewildered, or sometimes even supplying a bit of bewildered ranting. Nevertheless, I’m more than a little bit disappointed to have my shiny new Apocalypse series tainted by one of this category with 2014’s insanely overrated Snowpiercer chugging out of the station.

Contains a worse train service than Thameslink and Spoilers below. 

The Perfect Score (2004)

Director: Brian Robbins

Starring: Chris Evans, Bryan Greenberg, Scarlett Johannson

Release date: January 30 (US). Having been exposed to the pitiful Jawbreaker recently I was not in the market for another ‘hilarious’ school comedy. What happens? I get another. May contain detention with ScarJo and spoilers…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 12 part 2. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

You can always tell when JPT is struggling with a review. I don’t read them before they go live, aside from the obligatory run of a spell check, but if I see the presence of a naked/ scantily clad leading lady on the bottom then it’s better than even chance that he’s hated the movie. Anyhow, he’s right this is a turd of a film.

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfercomes complete with all of the problems of the first film, but adds the kryptonite of comic book films: a dance scene. Name me one good comic book movie with a dance scene in it? Spidey 3? How about Iron Man 2? Nope, there isn’t one.

Anyhoo, this also features a space surfing silver Oscar statue with no penis, so there must be some amusement there, surely…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 12. The Fantastic 4

He’s hitting the dregs in this series now. Having waded through some serious poop in the form of Ghost Rider (you are aware JPT that the new one is out soon, and it’s your birthday! Not to mention that it’s directed by the two Crank monkeys, you lucky dog), Elektra et al, but it is now time for the Fantastic 4 to gangbang his fragile little mind into submission. Personally, I think he passed that point roughly at That Darn Cat in his ill-fated Birthday Series, but it looks like I could be wrong. So, with no more dull preamble from me, here’s Just Pillow Talk with the first of his less-than-Fantastic 4 reviews. 

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 11- Captain America: The First Avenger

Here we are back with Just Pillow Talk in the world of funny book movies. In a year full of disappointing films, Captain America: the First Avenger, failed to stand out by once again being another glorified trailer for this year’s nerd wankfest The Avengers. Still, Evans is likeable enough, and they did make a lot of smart choices, so maybe it worked out OK for him. Let’s find out…

Jarv Gets Pissy at Scott Pilgrim vs the World

You know, I’d actually like to organise this fight. In one corner, we can put blithering idiot hipster fuck Scott Pilgrim, and in the other corner the entire population of the world can form an orderly queue before they get to smash his fucking annoying smug face in with the weapon of their choice. I’d pay good money to see this. Has a film ever had such an unmerited nut-stroking as this one, given that, inexplicably, it even made a few “best of the year” lists? However, I’m convinced that this is a film written purely for Austinite tool Knowles to masturbate furiously over – and given that his collection of thoughts generated by a troop of amphetamine fuelled chimps battering away at typewriters is the most glowing review out there, I’m going to pick on him mercilessly for the majority of this review.

The Birthday Series – Captain America (2011)

Who would’ve thunk it? My crazy idea for “a movie a day” in the lead up to my birthday, celebrating each year of my life, would catch on? Well, to my gleeful pleasure, both Jarv and Just Pillow Talk have embarked on their own celebrations. And in one Total Bastards case, it’s a doozy of a mission. Alas, I got about halfway through my list before I had a meltdown and went AWOL, and ever since I’ve been picking at the scab of my life, one mediocre movie at a time. And since I’ve taken so damn long to finish off this series, wouldn’t you know it, another year has passed and I’ve got 2011 to add to the mix. And lucky me, it seemed like a good’un. ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’, Marvels latest two hour trailer for next years ‘The Avengers’, was released just shy of my birthday and actually looked like a lot of fun! So… did it deliver the goods? Read on, my friends. Read on.

The Underrated: Fierce People

Fierce People is a strange film. For the life of me, I cannot understand Lionsgate’s decision to bury it. It sports a stellar cast, is based on a simply fabulous and successful book (the author, Dirk Wittenborn,  adapted it for the screen) and it is directed by Griffin Dunne who’s previous films include such unmitigated trash as Practical Magic. It’s now seeing the light of day on a very limited and unheralded DVD release, but that’s probably in an attempt to cash in on the increased fame of the teenage actors (although Twilight fans are in for a hell of a shock).