I hate you Paul W.S. Anderson.
I really, really hate you. In fact, I wish nothing but bad things for you and I curse your ancestors for inflicting your continued and painful ineptitude on a mostly undeserving world. I also resent a system that has allowed someone with so little obvious talent to rise as high as you have, although I do applaud you for doing so. I was taught to never resent the success of geniuses, hate unjustly rewarded mediocrity, and for me, you are the embodiment of that. Or you would be if you ever made it to the dizzy heights of “passable”.
Everyone else, you may be pleased to hear that I have now got over my persecution complex with the cunt and am just treating him the same way I treat Milton Keynes: nothing good will ever, or has ever, come out of there, and it’s just bad luck that occasionally I have the fucking place inflicted on me.
It’s been a long time since I’ve looked at this series, and that’s because the constant onslaught of Boll movies had started to get me down. Seriously, there’s only so many times that you can watch the utter incompetence of some of this shit before it starts to cut into your soul, and even a soul as despoiled as mine has its limit. This painful series has been an endurance test of the worst kind with nary a chuckle to be had and so I come back to it with a sense of foreboding. I’ve shifted the worst of the Boll-fests so surely, surely I must be in for a break.
With that, it’s time to take on the 2010 film Tekken. Now personally, I believe that adapting a fighting game to the screen must be the hardest type of game to adapt. On one hand, you’ve got almost absolute freedom with the plot and aren’t tied into anything representing a coherent narrative because it doesn’t matter. The point of the game is the tournament- all the player cares about is beating the stuffing out of the collection of pixels opposite. On the other hand, there’s the problem of constructing a coherent narrative that contains the all important fighting. Some films ignore the tournament altogether (Street Fighter) whereas others try to create a narrative that revolves around the actual bouts themselves (Mortal Kombat). The problem with the latter as a course of action is that the signature fight moves aren’t remotely realistic and utterly beyond the ability of the actors to realistic portray. Mortal Kombat attempted to solve this by setting it in a purely fantastic world, Tekken (which follows this path) was always more grounded (there are no fireballs in the game as far as I can remember) and a wee bit more realistic. Although I have only played the third one.
So, given the above, why in the name of Lucifer would you write a Tekken film, and set it in a dystopian near future?