Tag Archive | Bush

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Color of Night (1994)

Hehehehehehe. To quote the not-forgotten monkey: BOOBS, ASS, MINKY! FTW!

Color of Night (release date 19th August in the USA) is a monumentally dumb film, so dumb in fact that it forgot the definite article at the start of its title. It’s also a hilarious one, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that on almost every level this is a cinematic stinker, a borderline skin-flick with a plot that would get laughed out of even the worst airport fiction. It’s so blazingly and crushingly inept, actually, that it doesn’t belong here and should live in the vault along with the other dregs of cinema. That it doesn’t is that it was directed by Oscar Nominated Richard Rush, and stars (check this out) Bruce Willis, Jane March (who incidentally, and quite understandably, hates it), Lesley Ann Warren, Scott Bakula, Brad Dourif, Ruben Blades, Lance Henriksen, Eriq LaSalle and Kathleen Wilhoite. Holy shit, what a cast, and what a fucking laughably awful film. I think the best word for it is “risible”.

Absolutely under no circumstances does this contain Bruce Willis’ cock, but it may contain spoilers below. Read More…

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Street Trash

 

Get a fuckin’ job!

I haven’t done a vault review for a while, due to being perpetually distracted by the Birthday series, and as a result I’ve partially forgotten the format for these. So bear with me a bit on this one. My research this morning has told me that Street Trash is considered by many to be a masterpiece of “grindhouse”, a slick and gory black comedy made for peanuts; an archetype of modern exploitation that transcends its humble origins and becomes something more despite the almost total absence of budget. I’m not so sure I agree.

Contains melty tramps and spoilers below.

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The Night of the Demons Series- Night of the Demons 2

This series has been knocking around in my mind for a while now. I first saw the original Night of the Demons (reviewed here) and decided that I needed to see the rest. It’s a solid gold sliver of cheesy schlock, a blast from start to finish with more nudity than a strip club, thefts from seminal horror films, clichéd horror mainstays, an Edam-fest of a script, and more fun than one mind can handle. It’s also dumb as fuck. Hysterical, but unfeasibly stupid. Given that it was made for less than Michael Bay spends on lunch, and turned into something of a hit, it was only a matter of time until the attempt to cash in was made. To be absolutely fair, although it isn’t exactly screaming for a sequel, the central premise is established that these events take place every Halloween, so it isn’t too much of a leap of faith to wheel out another batch of dopey teenagers (played by actors in their late 20’s, of course) for more demonic and nudity filled frolics.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Nude Nuns With Big Guns

My sins, they were with women

Jarv’s Rating: 1 Chang out of 4. Just not enough fun, and far, far too rapey. Sorry.

Let’s be honest here, I was never going to be able to resist a film called “Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. Seriously, it promises stupidity, lesbians, nudity, gunplay, nudity, being rude about religion, lesbians, and nudity. So, my schlock watching mate and myself got in an ocean worth of beer, put it on and lit a few spliffs. This should be a blast, right? Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Night of the Demons

Eat a bowl of fuck! I am here to PARTY! 

Jarv’s Rating: 2 and a half Changs out of 4. Good dirty fun, more juggs than you can shake a stick at (and some minky as well- honestly, getting the pictures was really tough for this one), lots of lovely gore and several hugely entertaining kills. Also atrociously acted and eventually becomes quite monotonous. 

I’d really like to try to write an adult, considered, well-reasoned review about this film. Except there’s no point. This is a slice of solid eighties schlock that’s mostly remarkable for a quite stupendous amount of boob on display. A really, really stupendous amount of utterly gratuitous boob on display, actually. Therefore, I’m completely and utterly incapable of addressing the various merits, or lack thereof, of this film, having instead regressed into being a teenager snickering away at the back. I’ll give it my best shot, because I’m a consummate professional, but I warn you now that it’s probably not going to happen.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!!!!

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Flavia the Heretic

This is what you get for bringing me into a world ruled by men!

Jarv’s Rating: One and a half Changs. Pompous, obnoxious but lovingly made shite.

What the hell was I thinking of. Seriously, how did I think watching this “Notorious” film would be a good idea? Gianfranco Mingozza’s film has been described as Nunsploitation, however this is utter crap. What it is, is a nasty and tawdry 1970’s issue film attempting to crassly pin feminist ideals on medieval Catholicism. Shameless tries to promote this film with “Witness the most notoriously graphic and nasty descent into the nunsploitation genre with Gianfranco Mingozzi’s unforgettable masterpiece of shock cinema.” Which is an utterly, erm, shameless description of the film, but an understandable one as it’s damned difficult to write marketing blurb when the key adjective is “dull”. Read More…