Tag Archive | Boring

Fuck the Occupy movement. Jarv gets supremely bored by, and then incredibly pissed off at, COSMOPOLIS

Droid nailed this down as the worst film of 2012. While I have seen some of the other mentioned stinkers, and think that the worst film of last year was the incomparably awful Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, he is right about how “good” it is. Cosmopolis is a rotten, awful, pretentious, pompous movie, and lord knows what it is doing as part of Cronenberg’s canon. It’s winding me up a bit actually, because having found a bit of form with History of Violence and Eastern Promises, he seems to be luxuriating in the kind of tiresome crap that he wouldn’t have gone anywhere near in the 80’s. Following on from the disappointing Freud nonsense, Cosmopolis is another let down, and I’m hoping he’s not about to enter another fallow period.

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The war beneath our streets: Underworld (2003)

I’m not sure this series is a good idea at all, to be honest. Still, I have recently rewatched them, and it is an 18 rated horror franchise, so I suppose it does fit my MO. Underworld is, on paper, a really great idea for a schlock series. It should, actually, be solid gold dumbhouse. A battle raging below the streets between two underground armies of Vampires and Werewolves should automatically be both incredibly cool and highly entertaining, and should promise blood by the barrel, tits, horror, graphic violence and a lead actress strapped into something ridiculously skin tight. Sadly, Underworld mostly wastes this premise, and all they manage to get right is spraying a catsuit onto Kate Beckinsale.

May contain a bemused cast of British Thespians and spoilers below

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Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The X-Files: Fight the Future (1998)

Damned stupid title, this one. How can you possibly fight the future? It’s the future, and is going to happen whether you like it or not. You can change the future, sure, and I suppose you can fight the legacy of the past, but by definition as the future is not set you can’t fight it. It’s like trying to pin diarrhoea to the ceiling. Nevertheless, back in the 90’s the X-Files was one of the most successful television programmes going, and a spin off was inevitable, this 1998 effort (21st August in the UK) was the result.

Contains nothing but the Truth in there and spoilers below

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Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: All About My Mother (1999)

Bah.

I hate this film. It’s garbage. It’s rank, tedious garbage. I have no idea why this is so highly acclaimed, because in all honesty I put this effort by Spanish pervert Pedro Almodovar on the same level as Eastenders, and I don’t watch that bollocks either. In many ways, All About My Mother (release date 27th August) is the quintessential Almodovar, combining pompous meta-fiction with the sensibilities of a melodrama. Featuring a strong female lead, a cast of supporting freaks, and endless bloody scenes of women talking drivel at each other, if All About My Mother had a decent nudity count (only 1 solitary jugg sighting, and that’s early on) then this really would be the only Almodovar that anyone would ever need to watch. Unfortunately, I’ve now seen it twice, and while I didn’t hate it as much this time, I can’t say I liked it at all. Mrs. Jarv, annoyingly, had forgotten the whole damned movie from first viewing, so  kept asking stupid bloody questions, which made the whole experience even more depressing.

Contains the worst adaptation of Streetcar Named Desire ever filmed and spoilers below

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Before Sunrise (1995)

Director: Richard Linklater

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Julie Delpy

Release date: January 27 (US). Compiling this list, they were just titles on a screen; I could only guess the content. For this, I guessed vampires. May contain slavering blood stained fangs and spoilers…

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Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich

Yes, yes, I know that title says “The Blood Reich Bloodrayne 3” but I’ve just looked it up on IMDB, and it’s actually Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich. Which is only marginally less dimwitted.

Jesus suffering fuck, why do I keep doing this to myself? I’m almost on the verge of binning this stupid series altogether if I don’t find a good adaptation in the very near future. In the meantime, I’ve got to dredge the contents of my memory to produce a review of a film I can barely fucking remember, one from German turd-meister Uwe Boll that’s so inconceivably boring that despite gratuitous boob and lesbianism, I still can’t recall a damned thing about it. This is going to be a tough one.  Read More…

Made in Britain: Spirit Trap

If there’s one thing that I wish the British Film industry would stop doing then this is it: half-baked horror films starring someone from TV aimed purely at the UK market, hoping to break even on the back of the “star”. For the most part, they’re absolutely terrible, and the parochial thinking behind it is annoying and really winds me up. As a nation, we’re really, really good at Horror films, so, why not play to our strengths? Why churn out this sub-par hapless rubbish that is so locally aimed that it doesn’t even appeal to its target market.  Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: The Cave (2005)

2005 was a funny old year. I was working freelance, and Me and Mrs. Jarv were just married. 7 fucking years. Christ. All those bastards that bet that we would be divorced in a year, well, if you read this: Pay up. Not joking, I’m skint- I need the money.

In the meantime, the film industry for some reason, probably pure coincidence decided to release two horror films based around underground shenanigans on the same summer. The Descent, which turned out to be one of the finest films of the decade, was released on July 8th in the UK (d’oh) and promptly posted disastrous numbers for its first few weekends in the UK (it did eventually make 5 times its original production budget back worldwide in the cinema). However, that’s (sadly) not the film that I get to review. Instead,on 26th August, The Cave slithered out from under a rock to annoy me intensely by being deeply crap and not a patch on Marshall’s spelunking nightmare.

The question remains, did the world need two cave and creature based horror films? Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Married to the Mob (1988)

Day 10 in the Birthday Series, and for the most part, I have to say that it has really been going rather well. I had a remarkably easy run into it, and although this patch is a bit sticky, it hasn’t been too much of a challenge. For a recap: this series was devised by Droid in a fit of madness and optimism last year. His rules are simple, using the US release date only, he’s reviewing one film released every year as close to his date of birth as he can. For me, I’ve widened it slightly, and gone with released anywhere (although the vast majority of them are US dates), as I don’t want to write a lot of “samey” reviews and this gives me a wider selection to choose from. The only caveat is that if I have a choice I have to go with the one I haven’t seen. So, with no further ado, here’s my Birthday review of Married to the Mob (release date 19th August 1988 in America). Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Cal (1984)

This is a tough assignment for me. Honestly, because let’s face it, a film about the Irish “Troubles” is always going to piss me off to some extent, and the virulent rage that is induced by the romanticised depiction of those IRA cunts utterly precludes me from writing anything resembling a coherent review. So imagine my joy when Cal (release date 24th August in the USA) popped out. Secondly, it’s an incredibly feted film, winning awards, having a ludicrously high rating everywhere (91% fresh ono Rotten Tomatoes), and generally being regarded as a classic. Furthermore, Mrs. Jarv had already seen it, and greeted the announcement that we would be watching it with “You are going to sit through that, you? Honestly?” Well, I fucking did, and while it is nowhere near as slaveringly obnoxious towards the IRA as I thought it was going to be, it is also a fundamentally terrible, patronising, biased and vilely simplistic  story that takes place during the troubles. Read More…