Tag Archive | Boobs

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Tales of an Ancient Empire

Only half…

Christ it’s bloody dusty in here. I guess we should have invested in that maid service after all…

Tales of an Ancient Empire is the sequel to The Sword and the Sorcerer, a frankly ludicrous piece of 1980’s sword and sandal cheese with one of the simultaneously daftest but also most awesome weapons that this weird little subgenre produced. In all honesty, none of these films, bar the first Conan, are what you’d call actually good but a few of them, Beastmaster, Hawk the Slayer, Krull, TSATS etc, did aspire to highly entertaining cheese. And due to ratings laxity (because 1980’s) invariably slipped an awful lot of adult content into the fragile retinas of young kids. Such as me.

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The Return of Jarv’s Birthday Series- Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014)

sin-city2

I’d completely repressed the fact that we’d done these bloody birthday series, which come complete with the added bonus of only being stopped by the reviewers’ actual death. Anyhoo, as I’m still on the unemployment train, I thought I’d have a look to see what treasures 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015 had left for me before my imminent birthday this year. So, having briefly perused Wikipedia, I was quite pleased to see a palatable list that I’ve already (for the most part) seen and, more importantly, didn’t hate. My provisional list is: Premium Rush, You’re Next, Sinister 2 and, for 2014 and today’s entry, Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. I’ll also update the scores for the first run through after I catch up with 2016’s entry.

Contains new material written especially for Werewolves on the Moon that isn’t as good as the material that has already been published in this series (heh) and spoilers below

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Made in Britain: High Rise

high-rise-movie-poster

I like Ben Wheatley films. Hell,  I even gave the nod to Kill List for my film of the year, and I rated Down Terrace quite highly too. Unlike Droid, I even found something to like in Sightseers. However, I found A Field in England to be a risible load of art student toss, and I’ve got nothing good to say about it. Unfortunately, for me, I don’t like J. G. Ballard, believing him to be probably the most overrated author Britain’s produced in the last 100 years. So, it was with somewhat mixed feelings that I sat down to watch Wheatley’s adaptation of Ballard’s famously unfilmable High Rise- a movie that spent the better part of 30 years failing to make it to the screen.

Contains social commentary (groan) and spoilers below Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The Skin I Live In (2011)

Welcome back to Jarv’s Birthday Series. We all know the rules by now: review one film released as near as possible to your birthday. In my case, that’s 23rd August.

The first film: Pedro Almodovar’s The Skin I Live In. I’ve got a track record with Almodovar, usually hating them, but he’s a critical darling and the films rack up insane ratings everywhere. The premise of this one is particularly unpleasant as well, so this could be rough.

Contains filthy perverts and even filthier spoilers below Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Machete

Why do I want to be a real person when I’m already a myth?

Jarv’s rating: One and a half Changs out of four. By far the best of the modern exploitation films, and the first half an hour is legitimately funny. However, the film can’t maintain it, by definition, as it is a one joke concept. As the film tires, it becomes less and less amusing, and the feeling that they threw the kitchen sink at the concept lingers long after the final credits. Basically, pretty shit, but better than Hobo With a Shotgun and Nude Nuns with Big Guns. 

As Oasis sang in the 90’s: “I’m freeeeeeee to do whatever I want” and in this case whatever I want does certainly not include post-modern ironic modern exploitation films. I’m pig fucking sick of them as they’re all garbage, most are mean spirited and even this, the best of them, is a one-joke film that becomes absolutely painful to watch after a while. Machete is another one spawned from the Grindhouse experiment, and is the film that sports the best cast, has the best intentions and best understands the ethos they were aiming for. That doesn’t make it any good, though. These films piss me off. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Burning

Man, this guy is so burned, he’s cooked! A fucking Big Mac, overdone!

Jarv’s Rating: A pretty solid 2 Changs out of 4. One of the better Friday 13th clones out there, but in the end, The Burning hardly counts as essential. Unless you’re some sort of weird Holly Hunter/ Tom Savini completist.

The Video Nasty list made not a jot of sense. On one hand there were some truly despicable films banned (such as Cannibal Holocaust) and on the other some bona fides classics were locked away (the Exorcist). In between these two poles were a whole lot of shitty Italian horror, some American exploitation and the odd completely unremarkable slasher film by numbers. The Burning, a 1981 rip off of Friday 13th that’s so blatant it could quite easily be called “Saturday 14th”, is one of this group. I’m at a bit of a loss as to what the ban is for. Sure, there’s some nudity and the odd messy killing, but there’s nothing in it that would merit a ban- it’s just standard slasher fare. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Strip Nude For Your Killer

You could be a model!

Jarv’s Rating: One and a half Changs out of four. It’s terrible, but Lord help me, I did laugh. Not to mention that there’s shit loads of nudity, which helps.

It isn’t like me to deal in national stereotypes, that kind of thing is just not my style. However, if I was asked about the perceived reputation of Italian men, other than cowardice, natch, then I’d have to say that it was that they are all sexist chauvinist pigs more likely to pinch a woman’s arse than talk to her. Where does this reputation come from? Well, read on and I’ll tell you.

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Moonwolves Presents Drunken Cinema: Number 1- The Pit

Huzzah! Welcome to the first Drunken Cinema.

This is how it works, periodically we will select a film of dubious artistic quality, and get completely and utterly shitfaced while watching it, commenting as we do so. Think MST3K  but with less Americans, worse films, and more alcohol. Read More…

Leprechaun 2

Top o’ the morning to ye!

This is where the sanity and logic start to drain out of the Leprechaun series. Given that part 1 wasn’t exactly brim-full of those 2 attributes, I think you can sense the acceleration into craziness that’s coming. The European title of “One wedding and lots of funerals” lets you know what they were thinking. Read More…