Tag Archive | Blade

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics! Number 1: The Blade Trilogy

He clearly wasn’t taught enough of a lesson by the Birthday Series. That’s the only conclusion I can draw from this in that Just Pillow Talk is back, and this time he’s taking on the entire Marvel Series. He’s clearly not thought this out properly (Elektra!) so it should be good for a few chuckles on our end. He’s launching with the Blade series, which is the equivalent of training to fight Tyson by beating up a 9 year old.

Anyhoo, that’s me done, here he is: Read More…

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Jarv’s Birthday Series: Conan the Barbarian (2011) and the post mortem on the whole damned mess.

 That’s it, I’ve done it! I have reached the end of this epic quest through the films released as close to my date of birth as possible. For 2011, I’m doing Marcus Nispel’s remake of Conan the Barbarian and to be honest, I was seriously worried about this one given the directors absolutely awful track record. This raises the question, though, what do we really want from a Sword and Sorcery Barbarian hero film? Personally, I think that all we hope for is lots and lots of stabbery and when there’s no stabbery to be seen, then we want every corner of the screen packed with Boob. Is that too much to ask? Well, historically, it has been- look at the abortions that are Conan the Destroyer and Red Sonja, for example.

 Before I kick off the review properly, I’m going to state the following things at the top just so I don’t need to go into it again. Firstly, I love the Conan films, and this genre in general. I can pretty much always find something to laugh about when they’re on song. Secondly, and this is just to pre-empt the usual complaint about Conan films: this is not Robert E. Howard’s Conan. Jason Momoa, who plays the eponymous stabbery merchant, is simply too, well, big. Thirdly, it will be compared to Arnold’s original. Finally, I’m not doing the review- I’m handing over to someone more appropriate. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Blade (1998)

Who remembers the time before the all-conquering comic book movie? Seriously, this isn’t as strange a question as it sounds, but back in 1998, the only funny book adaptation for ages had been Batman. Marvel had tied themselves up into some lunacy with crossover story lines and clones and some such, and Batman and Robin had died in a major way a few yeas prior. Against this backdrop, a promising British Special Effects person was handed the directing reins on a minor Marvel adaptation: Blade. It was released on 21st August 1998 in America, and it is no exaggeration to say that Blade remains in the top 5 comic book adaptations to date. For the sake of argument, in my opinion the rest of that list is Superman: the Movie, The Dark Knight and, er…

Well, you get the idea. As a rule, comic book films tend to be mediocre to shit, and the massive amount of them simply means that we are exposed to a lot of dreck about fools in badly fitting tights disguised as cinema. Incidentally, and not related to anything else, why is it so damned hard to make a good Hulk movie? We’ve either got one that thinks it is a Greek Tragedy with a constipated Chinese Hulk with Daddy issues who fights a cloud, or one that thinks it, well, I’m not sure the word “think” is applicable, but this Hulk comes complete with a moron Hulk who fights a dinosaur while suffering from erectile dysfunction. Neither of these are any good.
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