Tag Archive | Billy Zane

Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne

Fuck this film. I actually want to beat the shit out of it using a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and drag the corpse behind a car doing 50 miles an hour along a gravel road.  Then I want to take the ripped up and bloody remains, stomp them for a while, before incinerating them in a furnace. Once finished, I want to take the furnace, place it in a spaceship and fire it into the fucking sun. Words actually fail to describe how fucking shit, boring, inept and aggravating this film is, so I’m going to have to invent some. From this moment onwards Bloodrayne shall be forever be rated as “Crabollshuseless”. Fuck me! Who the fuck keeps giving Dr. Uwe Boll money, and how the fuck does he keep getting good actors to waste in completely the wrong roles in films that defy description?

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Critters

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Dad’s been shredded, Mom’s got a harpoon in her neck and they just keep getting bigger!

In the beginning, there was Gremlins, a top rate family movie about little monsters. It hit a perfect mix of thrills and laughs and is regarded, rightly, as a classic.

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