Tag Archive | Ben Kingsley

A Droid Premiere – Iron Man Three (TwentyThirteen)

a-droid-premiereIn two thousand and eight, an ambitious superhero series was started. Over the course of five films, four main characters (and a fair few periphery one’s) were introduced. The quality of these films varied from fairly good (Thor, Iron Man) to staggeringly bad (Iron Man Two). Somewhere along the line the series became known as “Phase One”. It all culminated in TwentyTwelve’s ‘The Avengers’, which was over-enthusiastically cupped and stroked by slobbering hordes of fanbois worldwide. I had fun with the film, but really, it wasn’t particularly good. ‘The Avengers’ went on to become the third highest grossing film of all time. Five years after the first ‘Iron Man’ hit the screens and made Robert Downey Jr a Hollywood darling, Tony Stark returns in ‘Iron Man Three’ (the credits make a point of using “three” and I’m not sure why), the first film of “Phase Two”. The conveyer belt of mediocrity continues to chug along mercilessly inflicting Marvel movies on the all too willing public. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne

Fuck this film. I actually want to beat the shit out of it using a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and drag the corpse behind a car doing 50 miles an hour along a gravel road.  Then I want to take the ripped up and bloody remains, stomp them for a while, before incinerating them in a furnace. Once finished, I want to take the furnace, place it in a spaceship and fire it into the fucking sun. Words actually fail to describe how fucking shit, boring, inept and aggravating this film is, so I’m going to have to invent some. From this moment onwards Bloodrayne shall be forever be rated as “Crabollshuseless”. Fuck me! Who the fuck keeps giving Dr. Uwe Boll money, and how the fuck does he keep getting good actors to waste in completely the wrong roles in films that defy description?

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Video Game Adaptations Part 3- Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

So far on this ill-thought out odyssey through the bowels of video game adaptations I’ve really been rather lucky. Well, luck is 80% planning and I have deliberately eased myself into this series gently with 2 actually passable films. Therefore it’s now clearly time to start the spiral down into the hell that is most video game adaptations. As a rule, if you see something is “based on a game” then you pretty much know two things: 1) It has nothing at all to do with the game outside of the title and maybe one other point (Resident Evil, Streetfighter, Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun Li, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within); and 2) that it sucks. There are exceptions that slavishly adapt the game a la Silent Hill and manage not to suck, but really for the most part no phrase should put you off watching a film more than “Based on the video game”. Prince in Persia: The Sands of Time is a case in point. Read More…

Koutchboom’s Adventures In Terrible Comedy – The Love Guru

Sad Clown

Some people have accused me of liking trash because I’ve enjoyed some of the recent comical offerings that Hollywood is pooping out. Films like The Hangover, Hot Tub Time Machine, Tropic Thunder, Twilight: New Moon. So I’m on a quest to find the lowest of low (though I’ve already found it, it goes by the name of ‘Year One’) in comedies. There are a slew of terrible comedies released every week it seems, while I will not be able to see all of them I at least have 5-6 movies lined up before I can’t stand the unhilarity anymore. Without furthering my adieu I bring you the first bag of sadness…The Love Guru.

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