Tag Archive | Awful

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Post Grad (2009)

Due to a small balls up in Wikipedia, I had Der Baader-Meinhof Komplex marked in as my 2009 Birthday film. Unfortunately, I happened to see that in the UK in October of 2008, and the release that Wikipedia was referring to was a film festival in New York. This meant that my journey through the annals of film released on my Birthday is incomplete, and I have to pick another film released as near to 23rd August as possible in 2009. The Candidates were:

  • Inglorious Basterds
  • Post Grad
  • Shorts
  • World’s Greatest Dad

Now, none of these particularly filled me with joy. We’ve a long and documented hatred of Cokey McFrankensteinhead’s ode to self indulgence masquerading as a war film, and I’d rather not see it. Post Grad is, on paper, a hideous romantic comedy with one of the Gilmore Girls. World’s Greatest Dad stars walking bathroom rug Robin Williams, and is therefore to be avoided. Which left Shorts as last film standing, and I have never even heard of it. However, being me, I then completely forgot about redressing the balance. Until yesterday.

Sunday afternoons are made for mooching around and doing nothing in particular. I was sitting on the sofa flicking through channels when I blundered across Film4 advertising that the next film on was Post Grad. This rang a bell, and a cursory search of Imdb reminded me that this was one of the candidates. So, this seemed to me to be a god-given opportunity to clean up the list and put this notion to bed without putting in any effort at all.

This was a mistake.

Contains self-indulgence and Spoilers below.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

We can do anything by working together!

What. The. Fuck?

Seriously, and this isn’t rhetorical this time, what the fuck?

I’m honestly not kidding here, but can someone, anyone, please explain to your humble reviewer what the fuck this is? I, for some reason, had never seen this film before, but like almost every kid in the late 80’s I did have some of the cards and we did trade them in the playground and whatnot. For those that don’t know what the Garbage Pail Kids are, they were produced as a pseudo-satirical dig at the ubiquitous at the time Cabbage Patch Dolls and basically took the basic look of those repellent toys and amped the gross and ugly up to 11. Anyhow, in the late 80’s these cards were everywhere and the Topps Chewing Gum company that produced them decided to cash in on the completely unexpected craze by making a live-action film based on their *cough* loveable *cough* characters. I’ve watched some reprehensible shite on my meanders through the vault, but I honestly don’t think I’ve encountered anything as so obviously misguided as this. The Garbage Pail Kids movie is what happens when people without the foggiest idea how to make a film are let loose on an idea that should never have been filmed in the first place. This, for wont of a better expression, film represents a cultural nadir, and watching it is a truly a grim and horrible experience for the viewer.  Read More…

Jarv Gets Pissy at Scott Pilgrim vs the World

You know, I’d actually like to organise this fight. In one corner, we can put blithering idiot hipster fuck Scott Pilgrim, and in the other corner the entire population of the world can form an orderly queue before they get to smash his fucking annoying smug face in with the weapon of their choice. I’d pay good money to see this. Has a film ever had such an unmerited nut-stroking as this one, given that, inexplicably, it even made a few “best of the year” lists? However, I’m convinced that this is a film written purely for Austinite tool Knowles to masturbate furiously over – and given that his collection of thoughts generated by a troop of amphetamine fuelled chimps battering away at typewriters is the most glowing review out there, I’m going to pick on him mercilessly for the majority of this review. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Dirty Dancing (1987)

Man I hate this film. I really, really hate this film. It’s just an utterly indefensible load of cobblers, and one that is mystifyingly popular despite being the most malevolent, poorly written, poorly acted load of crap churned out in the 80’s. Unfortunately for me, it was released on 21st August 1987, so I’m fucking stuck with it. Really, though, no revisionism can possibly alter the fact that it is a malignant tumour of a film, and what do you do with a tumour? You cut it out and fucking incinerate it. Dirty Dancing is a stupid, ill-natured, masquerading as a message film (despite being nothing of the sort) and downright offensive to the intellect. I fucking loathe this movie. Read More…