Tag Archive | Animation

Being a responsible parent: Watership Down

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This series is in no way me procrastinating and avoiding finishing the Halloween series. Honest.

For those of you that don’t know, I’ve recently entered the world of parenthood. So, the other day, I was standing perusing my DVD collection and noting the quite impressive amount of completely inappropriate material present there. We’re not talking one or two films that you wouldn’t show to a nipper, by the way, we’re talking only one or two films that you would feel comfortable with a child watching. This got me to thinking, and given that I’ve been quite patronising on my censorship series about crap parenting, about films I saw as a kid and whether or not I’d feel comfortable showing them to Finn. Fair enough, he’s only 5 months old so isn’t really aware of what’s on screen (accidental trauma caused by a viewing of Alien notwithstanding) but I was thinking, genuinely, what would I be happy with him watching? So, what I’m going to attempt here is a quick tongue in cheek look at some “Children’s classics” (most of which are not classic in the slightest, by the way) that I saw when young, and would I happily sit him down in front of it while I went to the pub. First up is beloved Children’s animation and not at all traumatic fascism analogy Watership Down.

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Made In Britain: Gnomeo and Juliet

If there’s one thing I hate, then it’s the Welsh. However, if there are a few other things that I really detest then they are Elton John and Garden Gnomes. Both represent individually the naffest and most embarrassing output of the United Kingdom and I do wish both of them would fuck off back to the 70’s where they belong. Seriously, is there anything more crap in the known universe than a little ceramic cunt spoiling an otherwise lovely lawn? Or the sound of Elton John murdering some nauseating power ballad to a woman that he didn’t know, or even worse, rewriting it for the People’s Princess (excuse  me while I go and vomit somewhere)? Actually, in fairness, and I suppose I should be fair, there is a practical use to the humble garden gnome: it’s that the presence of one in a garden is a cast-iron signifier that a complete and utter cunt lives in the house. Or alternatively a pensioner. One of the two, anyway. So, this does beg the question, what in the name of Lucifer’s bunghole was I doing watching a film produced by Elton John and his husband retelling Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet with garden gnomes? Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series: Fire and Ice (1983)

Welcome back to the Birthday Series. This time,  it’s Frank Frazetta and Ralph Bakshi’s allegedly seminal 1983 animation “classic” Fire and Ice. There’s a reason that I don’t usually review animation, and that’s because I’m blatantly not qualified to do so, and most of them don’t interest me. Nevertheless, rules is rules and as this one was released 26th August, I’m stuck with it. As a five year old, I’d have probably loved this, but I didn’t see it when I was five, and looking at it as an adult, well, read on to find out… Read More…

The Birthday Series – The Iron Giant (1999)

Droids Birthday Series 1999 Resulting from an ill-advised decision to count down to my birthday by reviewing a film released on or around August 2nd for every year of my life, I give you 1999.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars

   I don’t care what you say, I’m in love with Dusty!      

    Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs. I want to give it more, but have to admit to this being a hilarious but deeply rubbish film.     

 

Mrs. Jarv, paragon of patience that she is, passed her limit with me the other week. Apparently it is not amusing, and is certainly childish to deliberately want to see a film called something as patently absurd as Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars. My feeble justifications that it wasn’t in fact lesbian porn melted like a snowman in the sunshine when I was pointedly asked to explain what, if that is the case, it actually is about and more importantly, why the fuck would anyone want to watch something called Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars that isn’t porn. Read More…

Jarv’s Top 10 2000-2009. Number 9: WALL-E

I had to eat a huge amount of humble pie regarding this. All summer I’d been spouting off like I had the slightest clue what I was talking about decrying the utter mediocrity of this film- predictably, I was doing it sight unseen based entirely on the fact that it looked like being Pixar by numbers and the trailers were underwhelming. Silly me, Pixar by numbers is still significantly better than most things out there, and anyway, it isn’t as simple as that. Read More…

The Odyssey continues: Jarv’s best of the decade for America

Yes, I know this is late. It wasn’t my fault- honest. However,  I don’t feel bad in the slightest about keeping going.

Anyhow, on with this ultimately pointless attempt to define the top 10 of last decade. Read More…