Christ, I’ve been lazy. I’ve got all sorts of entertaining reviews of drivel racked up and ready to go, but I am instead going to review The Guardian’s number 1 film of last year: Under the Skin. This is billed as an erotic sci-fi horror art film, which reads to me like they put a number of movie descriptors into a hat and then drew them out until they got bored. Nevertheless, this is a film I really wanted to see last year, as I like one of the director’s previous efforts (more on this in a moment), the awesome Sexy Beast.
Contains Alien fuckmonsters and spoilers below.
Damned stupid title, this one. How can you possibly fight the future? It’s the future, and is going to happen whether you like it or not. You can change the future, sure, and I suppose you can fight the legacy of the past, but by definition as the future is not set you can’t fight it. It’s like trying to pin diarrhoea to the ceiling. Nevertheless, back in the 90’s the X-Files was one of the most successful television programmes going, and a spin off was inevitable, this 1998 effort (21st August in the UK) was the result.
Contains nothing but the Truth in there and spoilers below
The knives are out and no one’s been sharpening more furiously than me. ‘Battleship’ has got to be the nadir of Hollywood creativity. It’s a film, based on an antiquated 80’s board game. Hasbro, the company responsible for Transformers and GI Joe, are unflinchingly determined to exploit every possible product they have in their catalogue. But a board game? Transformers and GI Joe I can fully understand, because they began life as a line of toys, and by proxy have somewhat identifiable transferable characteristics and personality for a feature film. But what characteristics and personality does a board game have, when the whole game is just players taking turns yelling out grid coordinates in an attempt to hit the others plastic ship? And would the target audience know what ‘Battleship’ is? Does anyone even play board games any more?
Here in the Vault it has been noted that I’ve got a bit of a blind spot for these silly low-budget Japanese gorefests. Previous classics that I’ve given my much-coveted seal of approval to include nonsense such as Vampire Girl v Frankenstein Girl, which I think I’m the only person on the planet that likes. However, this little gem promised from the trailer to be something really quite special. Not to mention look at the marketing for it: that fucking quote above is the tagline for the movie! How inspired, and it instantly raised Alien Vs Ninja up my list of films to be watched. My only qualm was that movie with “Versus” in the title are invariably dreadful and long experience has taught me that they should be treated with the same degree of caution that Don Murphy treats Weightwatchers meetings with. Seriously, look at the long and sorry list of them (I’m certain there’s a series here for someone when he’s finished being destroyed by Marvel): Alien v Predator, Alien v Predator: Rectum, Freddy v Jason, all of the “Stupid Animal A” v “Stupid Animal B” films, and so forth. Not one of the above mentioned, aside from maybe Freddy v Jason on a very generous day, I would rate even as high as mediocre. The problem here is how does a film maker live up to the premise of the title? Read More…
I’ve liked Joe Cornish for a long time, as I remember Adam and Joe in the 90’s (if YouTube has some of the toy reconstructions of films, then I seriously suggest that you watch them. The Trainspotting one in particular is inspired) and he seems like a likable enough film geek in his own right. So, following in the footsteps of Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright (who produced Attack the Block) it feels fitting that he’s finally released a genre film of his own. That film was last summer’s Attack the Block, a science fiction Alien v feral Hoodie scum film that seems to be either rapturously adored or strongly disliked. Read More…
Ah, childhood memories. For most of us we remember our childhood through rose coloured glasses. At least I do. Nearly all my memories of childhood are positive. This includes movies I watched back when I wasn’t so cynical and demanding. Some movies stand the test of time, like Back to the Future, Raiders of the Lost Ark and Star Wars, which are as entertaining today as they were when I first saw them. But others are strictly for that time when your expectations were simple, and all it took were broad themes and straightforward storytelling to make you happy. The latter is the case with ‘Flight of the Navigator’, a film I loved as a kid, but haven’t seen for over twenty years. Writing that sentence makes me sad.
What makes an awesome cinematic death? This is a question that has, no doubt, been pondered over the ages by sage individuals searching for the ultimate truth. And me. Therefore, I’m putting up a suggested list of veritably awesome demises- some are funny, some kick ass, and some just make me smile. Nevertheless, the below 10 (which is by no means set in stone) represents 10 of the most awesome final scenes ever put on screen.
So, with no further beating around the bush, let the carnage commence!
Because I’m in what could charitably be described as an evil fucking mood today, I’m postponing the planned review of Starship Troopers. Instead, I’m going to put up 10 of the biggest, most unpleasant, most obnoxious cunts in the history of cinema. I’m going to try to not hit the obvious nominees here and instead provide a good cross section of the obnoxious, the weaselly, and the base characters that populate cinema.
So buckle up, this one’s going to be rough.