Tag Archive | Albert Pyun

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Tales of an Ancient Empire

Only half…

Christ it’s bloody dusty in here. I guess we should have invested in that maid service after all…

Tales of an Ancient Empire is the sequel to The Sword and the Sorcerer, a frankly ludicrous piece of 1980’s sword and sandal cheese with one of the simultaneously daftest but also most awesome weapons that this weird little subgenre produced. In all honesty, none of these films, bar the first Conan, are what you’d call actually good but a few of them, Beastmaster, Hawk the Slayer, Krull, TSATS etc, did aspire to highly entertaining cheese. And due to ratings laxity (because 1980’s) invariably slipped an awful lot of adult content into the fragile retinas of young kids. Such as me.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Dollman

Back off or I kill a fat lady!

Hehehehehe.

There’s no chance a film with top-notch dialogue like that is ever going to get a negative review from me. There’s even less chance when it’s a classic Full Moon production starring Tim Thomerson. Moreover, there’s no chance at all when said stupid film is about an intergalactic cop trapped in the Bronx chasing a disembodied head who is armed with a dimensional bomb. Particularly not when said villainous cranium is called “Sprug” and the intergalactic cop is called Brick Bardo. That he may as well be called Trooper Jack Deth is neither here nor there, frankly, as I don’t care about such quibbles.

Contains tiny police officers with the most powerful gun in the multiverse and spoilers below. Read More…