Tag Archive | 1980’s

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Deadly Prey

I haven’t seen you since you took a bullet for me trying to save my life…

Jarv’s Rating: A ludicrously macho, and possibly homosexual, 3 changs out of 4. 

I really miss 80’s action films. They were so far superior to the tepid offerings we get in this century and I’ve got a theory as to why: they were simple. There was never any attempt to humanise the bad guys- each film was a straight, balls out, ultra-violent action film where the man in the white hat invariably overcame hugely superior numbers of men in black hats. There was no moral ambiguity because there didn’t need to be- they were simple escapist fun. All of which boring preamble brings me round to Deadly Prey- a less famous but simply hilarious entry in the 80’s action canon.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Pit

What do you think Teddy? Shall I tell her my secret?

Jarv’s Rating: 2.5 Changs. Weird and unexpected. Nevertheless really quite amusing.

Hehehehe, look at that poster. Familiar isn’t it? It’s an early 80’s photoshop job- they’ve taken The iconic Evil Dead poster, and superimposed a creepy kid and a mutant Ewok onto it. How cheeky.

This is one fucked up little film. It’s surprisingly hard to get hold of, almost as if the entire world just wants to flush it away. However, I’d heard of it in passing as being one of the great examples of early 80’s schlock, so it became a holy grail to get hold of, and I have to say that I’m glad I persisted.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault- Critters 2: The Main Course

“I gotta go where the cosmic winds blow me. I gotta go… where no man has gone before.”

Jarv’s rating: 2 Changs out of 4 although it probably doesn’t deserve them.

Before we begin: here’s my review of the original

I really, really want to write a glowing review for this film, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.  It’s chock full of things I should like, but there’s a nasty stench that hovers over it, and I know just the man to blame. At the end of the day, this is a cash in and the fact that it’s one of the more entertaining cash ins out there doesn’t change the fact that it’s a bit, well, soulless.

I don’t mean to be a dick about this, and I’m really trying not to, but when you watch as much stuff that lurks at the bottom of the food chain as I do then cash ins really, really grate. And most films that have pointless sequels (paging Full Moon) can get away with it, as the original would only have been mildly successful and they tend to be done either with real panache (Sleepaway Camp 2) or have a sense of real fun (any of the Toxie sequels). Critters 2 is neither. Read More…

Jarv’s Best of 2000-2009. Number 2: The Lives of Others

The Lives of Others was a cause célèbre in Geek circles. Well, rather it being awarded the Oscar over Pan’s Labyrinth was. There was a huge amount of wailing and gnashing of teeth from the basement dwellers that populate boards such as AICN. However, in this case, as is so often true of them, they were talking (moaning) absolute nonsense. They were, being nice, ill-informed as very few people had actually seen this film before the Oscar. If they had, then they would know that this is the better film. In fact, it is Mrs. Jarv’s pick for Number 1. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Trancers

Trancers


Not really alive, not dead enough

Jarv’s rating: 3 Changs out of 4.

Now this is why I watch these films. I wade through buckets and buckets of absolute rubbish and eventually a little gem like this one crosses my path. To say this came as a relief after the soul sucking run I’ve been on is an understatement. This is a sadly overlooked minor classic and thoroughly deserves rehabilitation. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Return of the Living Dead Part 2

Return of the Living Dead Part 2


Get that damned screwdriver out of my head!

Jarv’s Rating: 1 Chang of 4

I hate it when this happens. I don’t want to come across as a miserable bastard when I’m doing these reviews (well, more miserable than usual) but this is just such a gigantic let down.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: The Basket Case Trilogy

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Basket Case

BC

“They kept us hidden. We were the ‘big family secret’. everybody hated us”

Basket Case is a story about love. Honestly. It’s a story about one man’s love for his brother. It’s also a story about jealousy, passion, revenge and the trauma of separation anxiety manifesting in homicidal vengeance. However, most of all Basket Case is the story of a little mutant that lives in a wicker basket. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Return of the Living Dead

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Return of the Living Dead

“But that’s okay, Darlin’, because I love you, and that’s why you have to let me EAT YOUR BRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINS!”

Oh deary, deary me. Where to begin with this minor classic?. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Lifeforce

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Lifeforce

“Assume we know nothing, which is understating the matter”

Disclaimer:

Please excuse any inaccuracies with this review; my copy of the film was scratched and unwatchable so I’m writing this from memory. Also, it was tough going finding pictures of Lifeforce without Miss May starkers, so if you were clicking on this in the hope of some full frontal, I apologise in advance. Perverts. Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Critters

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Critters

Dad’s been shredded, Mom’s got a harpoon in her neck and they just keep getting bigger!

In the beginning, there was Gremlins, a top rate family movie about little monsters. It hit a perfect mix of thrills and laughs and is regarded, rightly, as a classic.

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