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Just Pillow Talk’s Marvel Movie Mayhem continues with a 2 for 1 special!

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Exactly what the title says. This time our intrepid reviewer has decided to take on 2 of the recent and shitty comic book adaptations being nut rubbed by the nerds, met with indifference by the general public while boring the arse off me.

Sadly, they’re not Ghost Rider 2. Although I am deeply troubled by his worrying Ex-Mrs. Martin obsession. Still, she seems to have had a conscious uncoupling from the Iron Man films now, so he’ll have to watch her try to act to get his fix.

Apologies for the late posting of this, I’ve had it for a while, but been buried under real life stuff. Nevertheless, Take it away Pillows… Read More…

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Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 14: Howard the Duck

George Lucas, eh? Has one man sullied and defiled more childhood memories than Jabba the Neck himself? Remember that this is the genius that inserted the muppet band into Return of the Jedi, that produced Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, which took a massive dump on the characters from Raiders, and, worst of all, seems to be actively going out of his way to debase and demean his much beloved Star Wars characters? Darth Vader, one of the all-time great villains is now a mascara wearing goth douchebag, the Jedi themselves are clammy handed sexless cretins, Obi-Wan is a manipulative git, and Luke Skywalker has feelings in his naughty place for his own sister. Still, there’s one project out there that Lucas has had his claws into that still has a cult following- that film? Howard the Duck. Now, I remember this fondly, but I’m assured by everyone that it is actually a load of old cock, even if that isn’t worse than any other Marvel film out there. So let’s see what Just Pillow Talk thought of it…

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Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 6 (6)- X Men: First Class

I think this film blows. Droid in his infinite wisdom also thinks this film blows. Yet, inexplicably, there seems to be consensus out there that this film does not, in fact, blow. Well, even in a minority as small as the one I find myself in, the truth is still the truth. I have now come to the conclusion that it must be flat-out impossible to make an X-Men film that could ever be described as actually good. The whole series is one sprawling morass of boredom and lameness with the occasional moment of quality that stands out from the otherwise never-ending stream of sleep-inducing tripe that otherwise parades across the screen in these movies. I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say that this may possibly be the worst X-Men film out there, and it’s all James McAvoy’s fault. Well, that’s a bit harsh, mostly his fault, because the writing makes it worse. Anyway, that’s enough rambling from me, let’s see how JPT gets on With X-Men: First Class. Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 13: Thor

This is version 3 of the Thor logo, and I’d like to thank Droid for the wording. 

Anyhoo, I rewatched Thor last night, and I almost think this might be the best Marvel movie not called Blade out there. Now, I know that sounds unlikely, because it’s dumber than a lobotomised Welshman (not sure you can tell the difference, actually), but nevertheless Kenneth Branagh’s adaptation of arguably the silliest Marvel Hero has several things that most of these type of films don’t actually have: a sense of scale, a sense of humour, and a good villain. So, credit where it’s due, Shakespeare scholar Branagh took an inherently dumbhouse idea and turned in a film that is far, far better than it has any right to be. When you think about all the po-faced joy-sucking efforts masquerading as Superhero films that Marvel has turned out, I really, truly believe that Branagh needs commending for this. Not that my opinion matters a jot, here’s Just Pillow Talk with his thoughts on the Mighty Thor… Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 12 part 2. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

You can always tell when JPT is struggling with a review. I don’t read them before they go live, aside from the obligatory run of a spell check, but if I see the presence of a naked/ scantily clad leading lady on the bottom then it’s better than even chance that he’s hated the movie. Anyhow, he’s right this is a turd of a film.

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfercomes complete with all of the problems of the first film, but adds the kryptonite of comic book films: a dance scene. Name me one good comic book movie with a dance scene in it? Spidey 3? How about Iron Man 2? Nope, there isn’t one.

Anyhoo, this also features a space surfing silver Oscar statue with no penis, so there must be some amusement there, surely… Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 12. The Fantastic 4

He’s hitting the dregs in this series now. Having waded through some serious poop in the form of Ghost Rider (you are aware JPT that the new one is out soon, and it’s your birthday! Not to mention that it’s directed by the two Crank monkeys, you lucky dog), Elektra et al, but it is now time for the Fantastic 4 to gangbang his fragile little mind into submission. Personally, I think he passed that point roughly at That Darn Cat in his ill-fated Birthday Series, but it looks like I could be wrong. So, with no more dull preamble from me, here’s Just Pillow Talk with the first of his less-than-Fantastic 4 reviews.  Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 11- Captain America: The First Avenger

Here we are back with Just Pillow Talk in the world of funny book movies. In a year full of disappointing films, Captain America: the First Avenger, failed to stand out by once again being another glorified trailer for this year’s nerd wankfest The Avengers. Still, Evans is likeable enough, and they did make a lot of smart choices, so maybe it worked out OK for him. Let’s find out… Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 10 part 2: The Punisher

He thought he’d got away with it, but total bastards always get punished…

I admit freely to quite liking the two more recent punisher movies, but if I’m entirely honest, I think that the Jane version isn’t particularly good, and suffers from an absolutely terrible villain. The best version of the Punisher is probably the 1980’s schlock-fest The Exterminator. Anyway, sitting here, like a Knowles in the Room, is the Dolph Lundgren version of Punisher. Which is, from all accounts, terrible. The only question is whether it’s a light spanking type of punishment or something more akin to being stuffed in an Iron Maiden for him… Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics. Number 9, part 2: Iron Man 2

Welcome back to Just Pillow Talk’s tour of insipid cinema. Marvel adaptations are, judging by this series, a pretty uninspiring bunch with very few of them becoming elevated above their source material. In fact, it does seem that he’s seen an awful lot that I’d term as being utter shit.  He split up the two Iron Man reviews, probably for reasons of sanity, as the second Iron Man film is dogshit by any reasonable standard. Nevertheless, he’s back with his update from the bowels of funny book hell:  Read More…

Just Pillow Talk v Marvel Comics 10. The Punisher

This was clearly not meant to be like this, but I’m killing time before going to see New Year’s Eve (I’d rather get caught breaking into Frank Castle’s house than do this) and as he’s sent both Punisher reviews in, we can double the punishment in one big, fat orgy of ass kickery. Well, half of one.

I actually like both of these films, for my sins, especially War Zone, but I do wonder why it is so hard to adapt The Punisher properly. I mean, it’s basically Death Wish, as far as I understand: 1 big bastard cleans up the streets. How can this group of Marvel adapters possibly fuck this one up… Read More…