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Video Game Adaptations- Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance

A few years ago, when I was young(er), more naive and more forgiving, I genuinely thought that Uwe Boll (the fucking turd) got the rough end of the stick. I admit that I was comparing him to that massive, massive douchebag P.W.S.Anderson and his Resident Evil atrocities, but my reasoning was how much worse can Dr. Boll actually be? Not to mention that I always sneakily admired him for beating the snot out of “critics” such as MiraJeff of AICN fame. I really had absolutely no idea how lamentable his films are, how utterly devoid of fun, talent, and how much he sucks the life out of his subject matter and first rate casts leaving a hollow, soulless life-destroying waste of screen time. However, I’ve now seen 3 of his “efforts” and every one of them has so far scored an Orangutan of Doom. 3 out of 3 for fuck’s sake. Surely you have to try to be that hopeless. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne

Fuck this film. I actually want to beat the shit out of it using a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and drag the corpse behind a car doing 50 miles an hour along a gravel road.  Then I want to take the ripped up and bloody remains, stomp them for a while, before incinerating them in a furnace. Once finished, I want to take the furnace, place it in a spaceship and fire it into the fucking sun. Words actually fail to describe how fucking shit, boring, inept and aggravating this film is, so I’m going to have to invent some. From this moment onwards Bloodrayne shall be forever be rated as “Crabollshuseless”. Fuck me! Who the fuck keeps giving Dr. Uwe Boll money, and how the fuck does he keep getting good actors to waste in completely the wrong roles in films that defy description?

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Video Game Adaptations- Dead Space: Aftermath

This isn’t so much of a review, more a polemic where I’m going to vent some spleen on a good idea completely butchered through sheer incompetence. Seriously, I like the idea of extending the Dead Space universe because it’s big, well thought out and fundamentally interesting. I also like the Rashomon idea of telling the same story from multiple points of view. However, I don’t like Dead Space Aftermath, and I doubly don’t like pissing all over good ideas through a combination of incompetence and trying to be too fucking clever. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil Extinction.

I did already know this before I started this review, but of the 3 Resident Evil films that I’ve seen, this is the one with the least to do with the games, and despite basically not being a Resident Evil adaptation, the only one that stands watching once. I’m not sure about rewatchings, as there was years between me seeing this film twice, but having watched it again, I am surprised to say that it manages to scale heights that this series otherwise gets nowhere near by being deeply, deeply mediocre. Funnily enough, almost all the problems it has are directly as a result of that steaming sack of excrement Apocalypse, in that Extinction goes miles out of its way to tie up the loose ends from part 2, and clean out the extraneous and aggravating characters that added nothing to the story. There are other problems, sure enough, but in comparison to the other two films in this dismal soul-destroying series (that is trying its damndest to make me hate cinema, Paul W.S. Anderson, and Resident Evil games) that I’ve seen to date it’s really not that awful.

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Video Game Adaptations- Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within


This is a tough one. On one hand, I’ve got a massive blind spot to Final Fantasy as a rule, having completed (in a few shameful cases all the way to 100%) Final Fantasy 7,8, X, X-2, 12, and 13; but on the other hand this is a film and so requires entirely different criteria, and isn’t remotely in the same league as the games.

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Video Game Adaptations: Dead Space- Downfall

I didn’t even know this existed when I started this ridiculously misguided foray into video game adaptations, and when informed about it, I can’t honestly say I was that chuffed. For a start, what I know about Anime pretty much begins and ends with Akira and I’m not a huge fan of animation in general. Add that to that I really love the game and that Downfall is a prequel (Lucas has taught me a valuable lesson about this) meant that I approached this with a fair amount of caution and the finger of doom hanging just over the off button. Well, it turns out I was being unfair, and shock horror, Dead Space: Downfall is actually quite acceptable. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Alone in the Dark 2

You know, for the life of me, I cannot possibly think of one rational reason for this film to exist. Dr. Boll’s original was a steaming sack of crap that died on its ample arse at the box office, so I cannot genuinely believe that anyone was asking for a sequel. I know the original was number one in the German box office on DVD for a whole three weeks (to quote Alanis Morissette: “Fuck you Germany”) but, well, that’s Germany and they’ve got no fucking taste at all when it comes to culture. I know I hammered this home unsubtly last time, but I think it’s a bit fucking rich for the rest of the world to have a piss poor sequel inflicted on us because the nation with the taste bypass that committed the ongoing catalogue of atrocities that is The Scorpions liked it. For less than a month.

Pah, Germany clearly sucks, Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Alone in the Dark

This had to happen eventually, but after Resident Evil aggravated me intensely I thought “Fuck it, I’ll grab the nettle and take on the lowest of the low” and so, with heavy heart, it’s time to address the monster that is Dr. Uwe Boll.

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Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil

Fuck I hate this film, and my sister gave me a copy for my birthday years ago on the basis that “you like zombies and shit so you’ll like this”.

Now, for some fucking idiotic reason, probably derived from my myriad character failings, I now can’t bring myself to throw the fucker out. Read More…