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Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil Retribution


Clever title, this. In that I want retribution on everyone involved in this atrocity. I’m going to go out on a limb here and nail my colours to the mast: Resident Evil 5 is the worst film of 2012, the worst PWSAnderson film (that’s going some), and the worst Video Game Adaptation ever made. In terms of how bad it actually is, I think it’s in the same league of iniquity that houses the likes of Sucker Punch and Alien v Predator: Rectum. The failures here are so manifold that this isn’t so much a review as a shopping list of what not to do if you want to make a film, and the series now bears no resemblance at all to Resident Evil the video game. But what’s getting me down most about it, is that 5 films in it is now obvious that nobody involved gave a fuck on any level. They just took the cash and phoned in a dispiriting, repetitive, boring half-arsed movie that could only be worse if…

Actually, scratch that, I don’t think it could be worse. Even if it had been made by blind people with no opposible thumbs, this film could not be worse. As such, it’s drawn this series out of retirement for one last Hurrah.

Contains an actress actually looking embarrassed and massive spoilers below.  Read More…


Video Game Adaptations: Silent Hill Revelation


I swore that I was never going to do another one of these after the misbegotten Mario Brothers adaptation sapped my will to live. However, when I saw Silent Hill 2 was announced, the sequel to arguably the only remotely successful adaptation, and that Solomon Kane director Michael J. Basset was helming, I resolved to not only watch it, but provide the review as a nice symmetrical bookend to this series- I started with the original so there’s a nice sense of order to finishing with the sequel. So, is this series going out with a bang or a whimper?

Contains strange pink rabbits and severe spoilers below. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Super Mario Brothers

This will be my final Video Game adaptation review for a while as I simply cannot take the plethora of dross that the genre contains any longer. I gleefully admit to intentionally seeking out and watching more rubbish than is healthy, but I do it in the hope of unearthing a nugget of joy, something that will make me laugh, the odd legitimately unfairly overlooked film, or, at the very least, something I can be entertainingly rude about. The problem with Video Game adaptations is that they aren’t, for the most part, entertaining. What they are is boring and annoying and I’ve squandered far too much of my valuable time on them. I was hoping in this open-ended series to be able to say “See, they aren’t all rubbish, there is some gold out there”, but instead I’ve been molested by film after film so wretched that I’ve had to either find excuses not to give them the Orangutan of Doom or, in a few cases, I’ve even made up new ratings to get round this. To sum up, I really cannot take it any more, and I’m signing off for the forseeable with the first ever Video Game Adaptation, the utterly disastrous Super Mario Brothers.

Contains heavy borrowing from Jamie Russel in The Guardian’s excellent article and spoilers below.

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Video Game Adaptations: Mortal Kombat Annihilation

I’m honestly thinking about binning this fucking series. I’m not joking about this, but there’s only so much of this endless drivel that I can sit through, and I like to keep my garbage films safely ensconced in The Vault where they belong. Also, and this is important, let’s not forget that although the hit rate in the vault may be about 10-1, that 1 movie invariably turns out to be an absolute fucking humdinger, something so hugely and stupidly entertaining that it gives me strength to make it through the 9 pieces of garbage in between. In the case of this inordinately stupid Video Game Adaptation series almost all of them are utter crap, to the extent that I’ve even been making up alternative ratings to avoid giving every other film an Orangutan of Doom. Seriously, when the best film in this series has been the utterly meh Silent Hill, and I’ve given suspiciously overrated passes to things like Tekken, then you know that this is the antithesis of Charlie Sheen: it’s just FULL OF FAIL. Moreover, and this cannot come as much of a shock, I struggle to think of one film that embodies absolute failure as much as Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Mortal Kombat

I hate you Paul W.S. Anderson.

I really, really hate you. In fact, I wish nothing but bad things for you and I curse your ancestors for inflicting your continued and painful ineptitude on a mostly undeserving world. I also resent a system that has allowed someone with so little obvious talent to rise as high as you have, although I do applaud you for doing so. I was taught to never resent the success of geniuses, hate unjustly rewarded mediocrity, and for me, you are the embodiment of that. Or you would be if you ever made it to the dizzy heights of “passable”.

Everyone else, you may be pleased to hear that I have now got over my persecution complex with the cunt and am just treating him the same way I treat Milton Keynes: nothing good will ever, or has ever, come out of there, and it’s just bad luck that occasionally I have the fucking place inflicted on me.

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Video Game Adaptations: Tekken (2010)

It’s been a long time since I’ve looked at this series, and that’s because the constant onslaught of Boll movies had started to get me down. Seriously, there’s only so many times that you can watch the utter incompetence of some of this shit before it starts to cut into your soul, and even a soul as despoiled as mine has its limit. This painful series has been an endurance test of the worst kind with nary a chuckle to be had and so I come back to it with a sense of foreboding. I’ve shifted the worst of the Boll-fests so surely, surely I must be in for a break.

With that, it’s time to take on the 2010 film Tekken. Now personally, I believe that adapting a fighting game to the screen must be the hardest type of game to adapt. On one hand, you’ve got almost absolute freedom with the plot and aren’t tied into anything representing a coherent narrative because it doesn’t matter. The point of the game is the tournament- all the player cares about is beating the stuffing out of the collection of pixels opposite. On the other hand, there’s the problem of constructing a coherent narrative that contains the all important fighting. Some films ignore the tournament altogether (Street Fighter) whereas others try to create a narrative that revolves around the actual bouts themselves (Mortal Kombat). The problem with the latter as a course of action is that the signature fight moves aren’t remotely realistic and utterly beyond the ability of the actors to realistic portray. Mortal Kombat attempted to solve this by setting it in a purely fantastic world, Tekken (which follows this path) was always more grounded (there are no fireballs in the game as far as I can remember) and a wee bit more realistic. Although I have only played the third one.

So, given the above, why in the name of Lucifer would you write a Tekken film, and set it in a dystopian near future?

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Video Game Adaptations: Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich

Yes, yes, I know that title says “The Blood Reich Bloodrayne 3” but I’ve just looked it up on IMDB, and it’s actually Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich. Which is only marginally less dimwitted.

Jesus suffering fuck, why do I keep doing this to myself? I’m almost on the verge of binning this stupid series altogether if I don’t find a good adaptation in the very near future. In the meantime, I’ve got to dredge the contents of my memory to produce a review of a film I can barely fucking remember, one from German turd-meister Uwe Boll that’s so inconceivably boring that despite gratuitous boob and lesbianism, I still can’t recall a damned thing about it. This is going to be a tough one.  Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (Director’s Cut)

God damn it. The monkey is right about this. It clearly, clearly sucks cock. In fact, it sucks cock for so long and with such dedication that it might as well be trying for an award for fellatio. I don’t know where I got the delusion that In the Name of the King was remotely acceptable from (that’s a bit of a lie, actually, I do know and I’ll come to it in a moment), but this is 2 hours and 35 minutes of fun and games of utter mind-numbing tedium. I seem to remember the monkey making some joke about being mugged by boredom and well, he’s completely correct. This is a boring film. In fact, In the Name of the King is so boring it’s like being clobbered over the head by a giant Excel manual. Pah. Read More…

Video Game Adaptations: Resident Evil Afterlife

That’s it. I’ve done it. I am the sole moron on the planet that has seen every single one of PWS Anderson’s films. This does beg the question: why would I do this to myself? Well, the answer is simple, as simple as Paul himself. It’s because the bastard invariably makes terrible films based on material that I like. It’s got to the stage with the cocksucker that I’m actually developing a minor persecution complex in that it genuinely feels like he’s deliberately finding subjects that I care about and then ruining them intentionally. Why is he doing this to me? Why can’t he bugger off and just make Sex and the City sequels or Jane Austen adaptations or other such trash that I could just happily ignore? All of which boring and self-pitying preamble brings me around to his most recent cinematic atrocity: Resident Evil 4.

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Video Game Adaptations: Max Payne

Why do I keep doing this to myself. I’ve now seen loads of these video game adaptation and even the very best of them are astonishingly mediocre. Most of them, however, flirt with outright incompetence and unsurprisingly Max Payne is no exception. I have to say up front that I’ve never played the games, but if they’re anything at all like this dismal film then, frankly, I won’t be touching them with a bargepole. Read More…