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Made in Britain: Night Junkies

I’ve not reviewed anything for a bit, so I thought I’d return with a totally unheralded and probably not worth commenting on British horror movie. I’ve talked in great length about Vampire films and mythology in the past, but I’m doing this one in the interests of balance that it isn’t only America that turns out sub-par bloodsucking efforts. 2007 British effort Night Junkies isn’t a dreadful film, but it is a hackneyed one, the principle problem being that writer/ director Lawrence Pearce couldn’t resist abusing the obvious metaphor. Still, there is a fair bit to admire here, and he’s certainly not afraid of throwing the claret around and filling every square inch of the screen with boob, so it’s not an abject failure.

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Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Vampire Girl v Frankenstein Girl

“Dicing ones daughter is true happiness!”

“Doctor, that’s kind of dodgy”

Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs out of 4. Madder than a box of frogs and so much fun it should probably be illegal. Easily the most enjoyable piece of schlocky trash to crawl its way out of the vault in a long, long time.

I have to be absolutely honest up front about this: there was absolutely no way that I was ever going to be able to resist the charms of a film with a title as thoroughly stupid as that, and I also (whisper it quietly) actually like Tokyo Gore Police, so chances are Vampire Girl v Frankenstein Girl was always going to be on to a winner with me. That it also happens to be a gleefully schlocky film, and to have no pretensions higher than B-movie at best is just a happy bonus as far as I am concerned.  Read More…

Post Millennial Trauma: Stake Land (2011)


Vampires, eh? Has there been a more maligned Horror genre in recent years than the vampire film? Seriously, they either sparkle in sunlight, inexplicably want to bang Anna Paquin and possibly themselves, or are metaphorically grooming small boys for nefarious purposes. In the meantime, a couple of films have come out that have attempted to breathe new life into arguably the most overplayed genre out there. A recent development (probably in an inevitably futile attempt to break the cycle of EMO rape-y douchebaggery), as seen last year in Daybreakers, is a post-apocalyptic twist: the bloodsuckers have won (and I don’t mean bankers) so how will mankind cope with being the food source in a devastated world? This year’s entry in my Post- Millennial Trauma series also follows this line: welcome to Stake Land. Bring your own garlic.

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Post Millennial Trauma: Let the Right One In (2008)

I’ve been putting off this series for a while, as I desperately wanted to do something that isn’t called Let the Right One In for 2008, because I wanted to save it for the Vampire series. Unfortunately for me, looking through the thoroughly underwhelming list of 2008 horror films (there are some good ones in there, Splinter for example, but nothing that I really wanted to do) there was one film that stood out- Sweden’s imperious Let the Right One In. Let me preface this with that I don’t want to talk about the remake at all- this is really more me reminiscing back to seeing this one in the cinema, and the reaction that it left me with. I do hate to go all Knowlesian in a review, but there’s nothing really more to be said about this film critically, and so I’m going to attempt to enunciate what I believe made it so damned successful. Read More…

Good Vampire Films: Frostbite

It’s been a hell of a long time since I’ve attempted one of these and that’s purely down to how many desperate vampire films I’ve seen. I know that vampires and vampire lore has been plundered throughout the decades, and that each new attempt has to give the mythology a modern twist, but is there anything out there more pathetic than the current romantic vampire idea propagated so eagerly by the likes of Twilight and True Blood? It’s an astonishingly inept take on the monster- a Vampire is a predator that feeds on human blood. He is not some sort of English fantasy figure. Therefore, I’ve taken it upon myself to root around in the genre to try to find some examples that are worth looking at. This time, it’s the mostly unheralded Swedish 2007 film Frostbite. Read More…

Vampires films that don’t suck: John Carpenter’s Vampires

When I originally started doing this series, I was intending to do actually “good” vampire movies that have been mostly either overlooked for that drippy menstrual dreck Twilight and it’s equally dismal psuedo-romantic ilk or crapped all over due to some sort of bullshit postmodernism (you know the type- Vampires are immune to fucking everything yada, yada yada). However, in my travels, I have to say that I’ve seen a lot of Vampire films that, while they don’t blow completely, and couldn’t ever be considered part of the whole “twat mooning after undead paedo” genre, just aren’t very good (in some cases are actively bad- scathing review of Fist of the Vampire coming soon). John Carpenter’s Vampires is one of this batch. Read More…

Good Vampire Films: Fright Night Part 2

Well, a  touch delayed because of the sheer excellence of the Fighting post, here’s this week’s installment of worthwhile (i.e. non-tween) Vampire films. This time up, I’m doing the grotesquely overlooked and extremely hard to get hold of sequel to arguably the definitive Vampire flick of the 80’s. Welcome to Fright Night Part 2: Electric Boogaloo. Read More…

Good Vampire Films: Fright Night

I love this film. It’s that rarest of beasts: the comedy-horror that doesn’t suck. Read More…

Good Vampire Films: The Hunger

Right-o then. It’s Friday so it’s vampire day and this week’s offering is Tony Scott’s 1983 debut: The Hunger. This is a strange film, in all honesty, but nevertheless it’s an interesting film and one well worth a look. Not to mention that it is the best-looking Tony Scott film that I’ve seen. No one in their right mind is ever going to say that a film with Catherine Deneuve as a lesbian vampire is a bad one, or at least I’m not going to, but I do kind of wonder if it is actually a good one. Read More…

Good Vampire Films: Martin

I’ve been thinking about this for a week now, and I still don’t really know how I feel about it. I freely admit to having battered wife syndrome where Romero is involved, so I’m pretty certain this is actually crap, and yet I keep hearing that it’s a lost classic of the genre. I’m not even sure it qualifies as a vampire film to be honest, as Martin clearly isn’t a vampire. He does drink blood, but he’s a sexual serial killer. There’s nothing paranormal about him, in fact, if anything he’s depressingly mundane. Nevertheless, at the same time there is something interesting about it, and I was endlessly fascinated by the UK VHS cover whenever I saw it in the video shop in the 80’s. Sadly, Redemption Films went bust and so I can’t find a copyable picture of that cover, but it held a kind of perverse attraction for me. Read More…