Archive | Jarv’s Birthday Series RSS for this section

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The Big Easy (1987)

I liked New Orléans when I went there years ago. A great atmosphere, easy women, alcohol by the bucketload- what’s not to love? Actually, and this reminds me, and it’s got less than nothing at all to do with the film but may strike a laugh, me and my mate were walking down Bourbon Street 3 sheets to the wind. We stopped to buy another daiquiri off a friendly native selling them from a stall, when I happened to glance up at the balcony of the bar opposite. On this balcony stands two of the best looking women that I’ve ever seen. They’re also clearly hammered, as they’re stripping for the pleasure of the crowd below. However, standing next to them was one of the least attractive and heftiest women that I saw in my entire time in America. She’s clearly 9 Sheets to a hurricane and for some reason best known to herself is also taking her clothes off. I take a swig of my drink, nudge my mate and say “Do you think her mother’s proud?”. Just as I’m going to take another swig of delicious beverage, I feel the clout of a meaty paw to the back of my head. I turn round to see a small and angry middle-aged woman glaring up at me with the vengeance of an angered god in her eyes. Before I can mutter a word, she screams out “I AM ACTUALLY”.

Anyway, that’s got less than nothing to do with the film, at all, so here we go with the review.

May contain stuffed alligators  and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Crossing Delancey (1988)

I never have any luck with Romantic Comedies on these lists, and on first glance Crossing Delancey (24th August in the USA) doesn’t look like it’s going to help me out at all. I don’t have anything against the genre per se, but so many of them are just simply terrible. Why couldn’t I have got When Harry Met Sally, as that’s really good and I seem to remember it being released at around this time? It’s just not fair. Still, I’ll give it my best shot.

May contain a handy household tip to remove the smell of pickle from one’s fingers and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Bull Durham (1989)

This is a film I hadn’t seen since 1990, and I remembered really enjoying it way back when. Actually, when Bull Durham (25th August 1989 in the UK- although weirdly it seems to have been released in a different country every month from its Premiere in 1988 in the USA) came up, I was really pleased, as I remember it so fondly. Before I go on, I honestly think that Baseball must be the sport that most gifts itself to cinema: the innings structure, that almost every essential moment of drama can be distilled down to the man on the mound v the man with the bat, the aesthetics of it and so forth.

Contains rubbish baseball and spoilers below

Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Wild at Heart (1990)

Welcome back to the Birthday Series. This time around, I have, as noticed, developed a far more high-brow list than the previous run. So, I’ve endured the quirky melodrama of Almodovar, and now I’m girding up my loins to take on the master of surrealist incomprehensibility, David Lynch. The film in question was the surprise Palme D’Or Winner, and features one of Nicholas Cage’s most definitively crazy performances: Wild at Heart (24th August in the UK, 17th August in the USA).  Variously described as being the bastard lovechild of Badlands and the Wizard of Oz, Wild at Heart is an iconic American road trip movie; a star-crossed love-film languishing amongst the freaks and degenerates of an American underclass overlooked by most film makers.

May contain one of the most spectacular head explosions ever filmed and spoilers below.  Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Pump Up the Volume (1991)

Man, I loved this film back in the day. Released on 23rd August 1991 in the UK, Pump up the Volume is an interesting, surprisingly dark, and surprisingly prophetic little film that reeked of cool. Taking the 80’s teen movie template, with gifted kids thwarting bumbling adults, Pump Up the Volume had a nihilistic faux-Gen X type message that lurked cleverly underneath a witty, entertaining, and genuinely angry movie underpinned by the second fantastic performance by Christian Slater in a teenage film. The first, of course, is in the incomparable Heathers, but Pump up the Volume works wonderfully well as a companion piece to that film.

Contains hard talking and spoilers below.  Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag (1992)

Screwball comedy never treats me well on these series. Last time round, I had the frankly awful Married to the Mob inflicted on me, and didn’t enjoy a second of it. This time around, 21st August saw the release of The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag, which I’d never even heard of until it came out of the blocks. Frankly, this is never a good sign on The Birthday Series reviews, as if you haven’t heard of it, then there’s usually a fairly good reason. Still, I looked at the cast and saw Penelope Ann Miller, Eric Thal, Alfre Woodard, Julianne Moore, Xander Berkley, William Forsyth and Cathy Moriarty and thought that any film with this cast can’t possibly be awful.

Contains the transformative effect of taking off glasses and spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Surf Ninjas (1993)

Fuck you Rob Schneider, you despicable, talentless, unfunny, obnoxious cunt. You’re a fucking malignant presence on screen and you’ve never made a film that remotely qualifies as being even mediocre. Surf Ninjas (20th August in the USA) is one of his first outings and typically for the man is a wretched, painful and tedious family comedy with less funny moments than Citizen Kane. I endured this fucking tripe with a grimace on my face and a piece of my soul dying with every single piss poor excuse for comedy that flashed across the screen.

Contains massive cunt Rob Schneider and spoilers below.

Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Color of Night (1994)

Hehehehehehe. To quote the not-forgotten monkey: BOOBS, ASS, MINKY! FTW!

Color of Night (release date 19th August in the USA) is a monumentally dumb film, so dumb in fact that it forgot the definite article at the start of its title. It’s also a hilarious one, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that on almost every level this is a cinematic stinker, a borderline skin-flick with a plot that would get laughed out of even the worst airport fiction. It’s so blazingly and crushingly inept, actually, that it doesn’t belong here and should live in the vault along with the other dregs of cinema. That it doesn’t is that it was directed by Oscar Nominated Richard Rush, and stars (check this out) Bruce Willis, Jane March (who incidentally, and quite understandably, hates it), Lesley Ann Warren, Scott Bakula, Brad Dourif, Ruben Blades, Lance Henriksen, Eriq LaSalle and Kathleen Wilhoite. Holy shit, what a cast, and what a fucking laughably awful film. I think the best word for it is “risible”.

Absolutely under no circumstances does this contain Bruce Willis’ cock, but it may contain spoilers below. Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The Usual Suspects (1995)

Conversation overheard in the Werewolves on the Moon offices:

“Huzzah! Finished my Usual Suspects review, I’m off to the pub”

“Let’s see it” [pause] “It’s only one sentence long”

“It’s all that was needed, seriously, who hasn’t seen this”

“Do your job properly, or we’re not paying you”

“We get paid for this? Since when?”

Only kidding, we don’t have offices. Nevertheless, I’m damned if I know where I’m going with this one.

Contains someone being shown what will really was and spoilers below

Read More…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: The Last Supper (1996)

This has literally never happened to me before. Seriously, I’m not joking about this. I have been forced to change my entire review because of something I found on the internet.

Obviously, I’ve written film reviews before, and I’m well aware of what a toilet the World Wide Web is, but I think that I’ve finally found the single stupidest person with internet access out there. A person so stupid that they really shouldn’t be allowed near computers just in case they snap the keys off and swallow them. A person so dimwitted that they make that fat Star Wars dork on YouTube a few years ago look like a founding member of Mensa. I am almost completely struck dumb by the sheer cretinism and intentional point missing of this utter moron. In short, I have found the Tea Party’s core vote.

And what, you may ask, has this got to do with The Last Supper, a black comedy starring Cameron Diaz released on August 23rd 1996 in the UK? Well, read on and I’ll tell you.

Contains astonishingly big tomato plants and spoilers below. Read More…