Maybe my brain is a bit fried from the heat. Or maybe I’ve managed to overdose on bland, 16 year old Goth sentiments. Nevertheless, and this defies any attempt at rational explanation, I found myself quite enjoying Underworld: Awakening. Seriously, particularly given that it was Underworld: Awakening 3D™, I can’t believe I didn’t hate it. I’m even not going to use the standard 3D disclaimer about it being completely useless and even seeing the words 3D makes my expectations deflate faster than Adele’s space hopper. So, this is going to be a lukewarm-ly positive review of an Underworld film, now who would ever have thought that was likely?
May contain super-werewolves and spoilers below
Every rose has a thorn, just like every night has a dawn, and every cowboy sings a sad, sad love song, and every war has a beginning.
Sadly, they do. For example, in the words of Baldrick, the First World War was started when someone called Ferdinand shot an ostrich. I’m not sure his history is that accurate, and I’m even less sure that Underworld warranted a prequel. In fact, I feel fairly certain that it doesn’t. I’m also starting to come to the conclusion with these films that they’re the cinematic equivalent of money for old rope in that it doesn’t seem to matter how badly whoever is helming them cocks it up they’ll still pull in about $100m give or take regardless of the quality of the film. I find this sad.
Contains a very misguided version of Romeo and Juliet and spoilers below.
It’s round two of Underworld. Kate’s back in the jumpsuit and raring to put a cap in some undead bad guys.
Apparently this film bombed in Middle America. Allegedly, someone in the Marketing Department (let’s call him Philibrick) at the studio realised in a stroke of genius what was wrong, and we’re lucky enough to have received the transcript of his conversation with his boss taken from the security footage:
Contains very broad brush and crude satire (with a sprinkling of bad taste) of Hollywood marketing idiocy and spoilers below.
I’m not sure this series is a good idea at all, to be honest. Still, I have recently rewatched them, and it is an 18 rated horror franchise, so I suppose it does fit my MO. Underworld is, on paper, a really great idea for a schlock series. It should, actually, be solid gold dumbhouse. A battle raging below the streets between two underground armies of Vampires and Werewolves should automatically be both incredibly cool and highly entertaining, and should promise blood by the barrel, tits, horror, graphic violence and a lead actress strapped into something ridiculously skin tight. Sadly, Underworld mostly wastes this premise, and all they manage to get right is spraying a catsuit onto Kate Beckinsale.
May contain a bemused cast of British Thespians and spoilers below