Archive | Casper Van Dien Versus… RSS for this section

Casper in a GIANT ROBOT SUIT v ANGRY SPACE BUGS!!! Starship Troopers 3: Marauder

There was always inevitably going to be a sequel to Starship Troopers. However, the first attempt at it, Hero of the Federation, was a steaming load of rubbish. So time passed, and the memory of the awesomeness of Starship Troopers began to fade. Yet, people didn’t lose faith, we hoped that one day there would be another stab at Heinlen’s novel and it would contain the big robot suits that everyone familiar with the story always hoped for. Then in 2009 Edward Neumeier, writer of the original, managed to scrape together the cash, offered Casper payment and finally managed to bring Jonny Rico back to the world in his directorial debut for more sharp satire, bug stomping awesomeness and inexplicable random acts of nudity. Starship Troopers 3 can never live up to the original, because that’s inconceivable, but what it does manage to be is a pretty damned entertaining film in its own right.
Read More…

Casper v ANGRY SPACE BUGS!!!: Starship Troopers

I cannot tell a lie, part of the reason (well, almost all of the reason) for taking this idiotic series on was the presence of Starship Troopers and Starship Troopers 3: Marauder. Man, I fucking LOVE these films- they’re everything that appeals to me: Sci-Fi, social commentary, big knuckleheaded yanks getting killed, gloriously stupid machismo, Darth Ironside, outstanding FX, gratuitous nudity and lots and lots of lovely explosions wrapped up in a nice big ball of awesome. I’ve been so beaten up by the first few in this series, I had to bump this one up the order a bit, as a reward for making it this far.

I may be about to go a bit picture happy here.

Read More…

Casper v Rootin- Tootin’ cowboys and gunslingers and whatnot in the Old West: Aces ‘N Eights.

This odyssey through the annals of Casper Van Dien films really wasn’t thought out properly. I mean, I did know that he’d been in a quite staggering amount of DTV crap, but I also made the foolish assumption that there were enough gems, hidden or otherwise, to carry me over the obligatory and inevitable rough periods. So far, I’m 4 films in (I am including Dracula 3000 for this) and I have to say that not one of them is acceptable. Meltdown had its moments of cretinous stupidity, and Revenant had a quite simply staggering amount of boob, but neither of them were what could be remotely described as actually good films (the less said about Dracula 3000 the better). I’m honestly starting to think that I should bump either Starship Troopers or Sleepy Hollow up the queue, as the forthcoming films are simply going to be a trial to get through. In the meantime, however, I’ll just post this review to a quite spectacularly misguided film- it’s Casper’s 2008 foray into the old west: Aces ‘N Eights.

Read More…

Casper v Shitty Eurotrash vampires in LA: Revenant

Hoo-boy this film is shit.

Actually, on paper, this looks like quite a good idea (in a really stupid kind of way). Take Casper, modern vampires, LA, gangbangers and an Austrian Van Helsing, mix together with a decent amount of gore and season liberally with a shit load of gratuitous nudity, and you should have a recipe for some silly fun. Yet, it isn’t fun (for the most part). Read More…

Casper Van Dien Versus a Slightly Unseasonal Heatwave: Meltdown

This is something that I’ve been toying with for ages, but the conversation earlier about Sleepy Hollow and whatnot finally motivated me to get moving on it. I’m going to cover as many films starring the future Buzz Armstrong as I can- that’s right, because I don’t watch enough shit for your amusement I’m inflicting the catalogue of the man who can’t say no to a paycheck on myself- so settle down, and rejoice in the start of Jarv’s series of the man called Casper’s films.

First up is an incredibly inauspicious 2006 TV movie: Meltdown. Or, as I like to think of it “Casper Van Dien v a hot spell”. It’s a bit of a con, actually, because Lovefilm billed this as Casper v Meteorite (which had so much potential for stupidity).

Read More…

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Dracula 3000

Did I ever tell you how many times I’d see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas… All the times I stayed up late, high as a kite, in the non-gravitational atmosphere, while I stroked my anaconda, and dreamed about your snow-white ass

Jarv’s Rating: Half a Chang- complete and utter shit. Crap vampire, crap action, waste of a good schlock cast, crap script, and a fucking terrible ending.

Fuck me. I can’t say I wasn’t warned, because that would be lying, but really this is just inexcusably bad. I wasn’t going to go anywhere near it, on the basis that even resident monkey said that it was terrible, and if he thinks it’s bad then we know it really is truly awful. However, I made the mistake of looking up the cast and blow me down: Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Coolio, and Tiny fucking Lister! How could this possibly be a sack of refuse? It can’t possibly be worse than Twilight, can it? Read More…