Burt Gummer’s Rec Room June 2011 Archive

A gathering place for firearms enthusiasts, paranoid survivalists and those who worship at the Church of Chang

June. Although as Perfection is in the middle of a desert, that doesn’t make a lot of difference. Nevertheless, it’s graboid breedin’ season, so we’d best unpack the large calibre weaponry. And some beers. Especially the beers.

Disclaimer: This is the part of the Church that is the most no holds barred. None of it is intended with malice, and although it can on occasion seem a little bit fraught, it is banter rather than venom.

2,888 responses to “Burt Gummer’s Rec Room June 2011 Archive”

  1. Lord Bronco says :

    Alright, you guys have been a bunch of humps.

    So who’s going to win-Green Lantern or Thor?

    X-Men First Class apparently doesn’t suck, but that is immaterial.

    Thoughts, Gentleman?

  2. Spud McSpud says :

    Actually just got back from X-MEN FIRST CLASS. And y’know what??

    No, it doesn’t suck. Actually, it’s pretty damn good.

    Kevin Bacon chews up the set as Sebastian Shaw. January Jones is icy-sexy as Emma Frost. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender do the heavy lifting in this movie, and are both reliably excellent as Xavier and Magneto respectively, and the movie on a whole does a great job of kicking off the X-MEN story with no small amount of style and panache – think groovy X-MEN, baby, but in the style of MAD MEN. And just as the plot is getting great, near the end, the Cuban Missile Crisis is in full paranoid effect –


    No, he doesn’t have a huge role. Yes, he is still the badass we all know and love, though this movie doesn’t nearly do enough with that. Still, any X-MEN movie that makes me want to yell “DO THE CUNT IRONSIDE! DO THEM!” can’t be bad. (Though I was watching it with Mrs Spud-To-Be and my two ten-year old nephews, so wisely managed not to).

    Yeah, it’s a great movie. Solid cameo in the middle of it, too, and the prize for this year’s most perfectly placed “FUCK” in a 12A movie. My nephews were duly impressed 🙂

    • Jarv says :

      Ironside is in it? Christ, I may have to see that then.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Don’t get excited – he’s just one of the military leaders on one of the ships heading for the embargo line during the Cuban Missile Crisis. I don’t even remember him being given a name. Still-


      • Spud McSpud says :

        What IS great about the movie is that the motivations of the characters lead their actions fluidly. In previous X-MEN movies, the allegory being used for each movie felt like it was hitting you over the head with the Issue of the Movie – in the first, the obvious gay allegory, the second being the Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely motif, in the third, the gay allegory back in force with the “cure” storyline – but in this movie, it’s Erik Lensherr being led to being Magneto by the rage he cannot let go of regarding what happened to him in the camps – particularly the scene where Sebastian Shaw coerces Erik into moving a metal coin on the table before him. This scene sets up Magneto magnificently, establishes Shaw as one of the premier cunts in family movies thus far (“Wunderbar, Erik!” is one chilling line in context – Bacon is deliciously sadistic in this scene), and gives the movie one hell of a start to live up to. Seeing McAvoy play the almost asexual-in-the-future Xavier as a “groovy, baby” womaniser who uses his mind powers to chat chicks up in the swinging 60s, baby – well, it’s tons of fun. But always to the fore is the idea that though these characters have been shaped by their positive or negative life experiences – and arguably Xavier has had a much more privileged and positive life than Lensherr has – they choose their paths based not on WHAT they are, but on WHO they are – because though all mutants become feared after the climax of the film, they don’t ALL join Magneto. There’s a brilliant cameo from the previous X-MEN movies in the middle of the film (and best judicious use of the only FUCK in the entire 12A movie), and even the climax is played more to the strength of the characters than the powers that they wield. There’s also a surprising amount of grisly death in this movie – considerably bloodless, but brilliant nonetheless (Magneto using his power to crush the German helmets arounds the heads of their unfortunate owners is a particular highlight), and overall it’s far superior to any previous effort. It does feel very much like a Matthew Vaughn / Jane Goldman movie, which is immeasurably in its favour, as these guys know how to give you spectacle without ever losing sight of the characters and their motivations. Not to mention, Mrs Spud-To-Be now has a considerable girl-crush on January Jones, which is a great addition to the Spank Bank 😀

        If you want to see how an X-MEN movie SHOULD be done, see this. It’s a new start for the franchise, and finally they’ve got it right.

      • Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

        Now thats a review! With extra added Ironside!

        See you at the party!

      • Continentalop says :

        Hey Spud, quick question: is Xavier a Korean War vet in this?

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Good question, Conti – I don’t recall hearing that, so I’d say no, but it’s possible I missed it. Watching over two sugar-high ten-year olds who want the talking over and the action to start kinda robbed me of most of my critical faculties 🙂

    • DocPazuzu says :

      I saw X-Men last week and loved it. Fassbender owned that fucking movie. I would pay good money just to see a Magneto film with him traveling the globe and offing Nazi war criminals in various entertaining ways. And Bacon did indeed portray one of the biggest cunts EVER in a genre film. I enjoyed his comeuppance immensely.

      While I fear the law of diminishing returns, I’d really like to see at least a few more movies set in the 60s (and maybe 70s). First Class was just that. Top film.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Yes, he did – Fassbender is fucking magnificent, he totally sells the character and crucially gives us the impression that had Shaw not done what he does at the beginning of the movie – indeed, had he not suffered any of the evils he suffered for being a Jew in Nazi Germany, he could have become one of Xavier’s closest friends, and most powerful allies. And McAvoy sells the idea that Xavier isn’t perfect, but is a little arrogant, chick-obssessed, and his ignorance of how bleak life can be for those not blessed with the privileges he was born to all played into his underestimation of Erik’s character and what he wanted to do with his powers. The best thing about FIRST CLASS is the way it plays all the characters as constantly being in flux regarding their morals and ethics, and this made them seem so much more real. It’s a much more impressive and complex movie than any of its predecessors, and a real step up for the franchise.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      I liked the movie fine, didn’t find it to be all that involving until about mid-way thru. The characters grew on me however as it went along. Best part? I liked Havok, pretty fun to see this character actually show up onscreen. Magneto and Prof. X were handled well too. They did a fine job w/ the aussie Cameo(TM) as well. Maybe a bit more Ironsides would have been worthy.

      Kudos to Kevin Bacon as the baddie, he sold it.

  3. Spud McSpud says :

    Now THAT is a line-up. TROLL HUNTER looks BRILLIANT 😀

  4. Droid says :

    I was horrendously hungover yesterday, on account of drinking a skinful of whisky on Thursday night. So I managed to get through a whole bunch of movies…

    Hot to Trot… Bobcat befriends a fucking horse with the voice of John Candy. Dabney Coleman with a mouthful of fake chompers (meant to make him look like a horse). Virginia Madsen looking thoroughly pissed off at her agent. Complete and utter horseshit (pun intended).
    The Young Poisoners Handbook Good, but really, the guy was a lunatic, poisoning people willy nilly. I expected him to be a bit sneakier.
    Running Scared… Holy shit. This movie is AWESOME. I’m totally surprised at how good this movie is. The only negative thing I can say about it, is it’s centrepiece scene comes about 2/3rds the way through and the film can’t quite match it for the remainder. But that scene (the child murderers) is astonishingly good.
    The Fountain… Second time I’ve seen it. I applaud its ambition, but it doesn’t quite nail it for me.
    Paul… Still fun a second time.
    15 Minutes… Really good. I really like how unashamedly angry it is.
    The Adjustment Bureau… Good. The ending was a bit of a let down, but it’s a well made family friendly thriller.

  5. Jarv says :

    OK- Society review published, and Castle Freak scheduled for tomorrow morning.

  6. Frank Marmoset says :

    Droid –

    Grudge review e-mailed to you today. I feel confident in saying it is the dumbest review I’ve ever done. Like, 12% actual film criticism, 384% dumbness.

    For the next one (the Pulse series), I’m trying to get the criticism part down to 9% at most.

    Thank you once again for your help, sir.

    • Continentalop says :

      Pulse 1 has Veronica Mars in it, right? I think I saw that (for awhile there I was 100% Kristen Bell).

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Yes, Kristen Bell is in Pulse (not the sequels, though). She’s the best thing in it.

        I’ll have to check imdb, see how close I am to achieving 100% Bell. That might be a challenge worth doing. She’s been in a lot of crap, but I’ve already seen Couple’s Retreat and You Again. Surely it can’t get any worse than that?

      • Jarv says :

        Good god!

        100% Bell. That’s a heinous challenge.

      • koutchboom says :


        from the director of Ghost Rider and Simon Birch.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Her adorableness counteracts much of the heinousness, though.

      • Jarv says :

        Yes. But you’re the man that did 100% Aniston on that basis.

      • Continentalop says :

        Roman is going to be a hard one to sit through if you haven’t seen it Frank.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Looking at her imdb page, it seems like the only films she’s done that I’ve liked are Spartan and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Not a great record. And yet I still like her.

        Also, she was apparently in that film Burlesque starring Cher and Christina Aguilera, which is enough to put me off the 100% Bell challenge altogether.

      • Jarv says :

        Bet you do it anyway.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Ah, Frank. Soon you have the unrivalled pleasure of seeing Miss Bell in the magnificent Leia’s gold bikini in FANBOYS, which is by far the best part of the movie (except for the last line, which is fucking PERFECT).

        I realy enjoyed PULSE, and fully expected it to be shit. The way it suddenly lurches from creepy J-horror remake to full-on apocalyptic end-of-the-world horror really grabbed my attention, and I liked the way it ended. An okay movie that ended brilliantly. Great stuff 😀

  7. Jarv says :

    Watched Colin recently. Don’t bother. B-O-R-I-N-G.I

    I don’t believe they made it for a tenner either. Bullshit says I.

  8. Frank Marmoset says :

    At 06:30 hours on Friday 10th June 2011, I began watching Heroes ( a television programme about heroes). Seen five episodes so far and am almost positive it’s the worst telly programme I’ve ever seen. Thing is, its crapness is oddly compelling. I’m kind of enjoying the eye-rolling terribleness of the plotting and dialogue, as well as the cheesy cliffhangers at the end of every episode that never really go anywhere. Looking forward to seeing more of this show that seems like it was written by aliens attempting to mimic human behaviour but not doing it very well.

    Question for anyone who’s seen it before: Is it true that season one is the best, and that it gets much worse later? Because if it does get worse, then I absolutely have to see that.

    • Jarv says :


      Season 1 has a few stand-out episodes. The finale is dreadful. Season 2 is unwatchable crap enlivened by Bell. Season 3 is woeful. I am told it got better in season 3.

  9. Spud McSpud says :

    Watched the new CAMELOT series last night. Great stuff – properly gritty, dirty Dark Ages stuff, with Joseph Fiennes playing Merlin as a battle magician who is trying to atone for previous misdeeds by installing Uther Pendragon’s bastard son Arthur on the throne of Camelot. He seems to want to do this to fuck over filthy sexy witch Morgana, played with delicious, malicious relish and spite by the inhumanly attractive Eva Green, who is plainly having a ball in the role she was born to play. Sean Pertwee plays Arthur’s adopted father, who trained him in combat, and the gorgeous Lucy Cohu plays his adopted mother. James Purefoy is the chief villain badass, and by the time he’d fucked Eva Green seven ways from Sunday to celebrate their alliance, and mid-fucking she’d scratched him to draw blood to enchant him with, I was fucking HOOKED. And by the time Eva Green calls him “you lazy cunt”, that was it – I was deeply and irrevocably in lust with this filthy sexy bitch of a witch. I’m in this series right to the last (10th) episode of its first blood-soaked season. CAMELOT by way of SPARTACUS and ROME – and it’s fucking fantastic. Yanks, you’ve done yourselves proud – this pisses all over the family-friendly pratfalls of the Beeb’s MERLIN series…

    • koutchboom says :

      Eh I’ve tried to watch Camelot but it’s far to plain looking, I still don’t get the love those PERIOD shows on pay cable tv get, especailly Camelot which takes an awesome story and makes it look like shit. I get that there is some boner for NUDITY and CUSS words in those worlds but eh I just wish they looked better and weren’t so boring. Like all this talk about Game of Thrones, these two guys I follow in twitter are ALL about it, then one day I saw that they didn’t fucking know the names of anyone on the show. I find that to be a major fail if you can’t name the main people on a show you REALLY like, then you probably are just watching to watch it.

  10. Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

    Watched Kung Fu Panda 2(3D) and X-Men: First Class.

    Panda 7/10, although some bits were better. Loads more kung fu, and the 3D was amazing. Totally immersive. Loved the ending.

    X-Man was amazing! I really enjoyed it, and the Fass did completely own it. McAvoys smug take on Xavier too was very refreshing. Bacon had a blast too, and his commupance was most definately well deserved,

    Spud, love the Camalot review. It was the one I was waiting for and will now tuck into this new series with relish.

    And finally, Heroes season 1 is best by far. Rarely has any tv show fallen as bad as that show did. Gave up start of season 3. What a poor acted crock of shit.

  11. Continentalop says :

    Hey Spud & Tigh, another X-Men: First Class question.

    Is Cain Marko mentioned at all in it? Xavier’s step-brother.

  12. Continentalop says :

    Another curious thing about the X-Men.

    Here is a link to the first appearance of the original Brotherhood of Evil Mutants (Magneto, Mastermind, Toad, Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch):

    It is my theory that Stan Lee & Jack Kirby were inspired by this movie to create them:

    It came out 1963, same year as the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Which would make Magneto = Boris Karloff, Mastermind = Vincent Prince, Toad = Peter Lorre, Scarlet Witch (a combination of Hazel Court & Olive Sturgess):


    And Quicksilver = the guy in the far right:

    That’s right. Quicksilver is Jack.

    Just a theory.

    • MORBIUS says :


      We first see Xavier as a young boy, then graduating from
      University. No mention of being a Korean War vet.

      Cain Marko is never mentioned either.

  13. Jarv says :

    Talk about fighting a losing battle.

    From Gingertown’s Dr. Who:

    3) converse, agree, disagree, and question as much as you want – but the freedom to do so is NOT a license to be rude, crass, disrespectful, or uncivilized in any way. Not remaining courteous and civil, as well as TROLLING or undertaking sensational efforts to ignite controversy, will result in banning. Lack of courtesy will receive one (1) warning before a ban is instigated. Obvious Trolling or Spamming will result in summary banning with no warning.

  14. Jarv says :

    Had a quite awesome weekend’s viewing:

    1. Society,
    2. Castle Freak,
    3. Constantine (meh)
    4. Into the Mirror (quite good, better than the remake, but I wouldn’t wank over it)
    5. Memoirs of an Invisible Man (mostly crap, if I’m honest, but I’ve got a soft spot for it)
    6. Human Traffic (Mint & Completely underrated: THE WEEKEND HAS LANDED!!!)
    7. Faust: Love of whatever it is- completely insane. It would, actually, be an ideal Drunken Cinema candidate were it not for the hideous thrash metal soundtrack.
    8. Beyond Re-Animator.
    9. Batman Begins.

    Also procured: Return of the Living Dead 3 & Robot Jox so the idiotic quest to 100% Yuzna/ Gordon is going well.

    • Droid says :

      Human Traffic was overrated, at least it was to me. I was told it was brilliant. It’s okay.

      I like Constantine. I also had a soft spot for Memoirs, but I saw it a year or so ago and it’s really not very good once you get passed the special effects.

      • Jarv says :

        Dunno about that. Human Traffic is the only completely accurate clubbing film ever made. It nails it.

        There’s one moment that’s so true- when they’re driving home fucked, and they’ve all got sunglasses on etc to try to deal with it.

        The problem, though, is that it’s just an account of a weekend, and if you take certain things out of it (The Weekend has landed speech) then it’s not got a lot left- it’s more gimmick than film. Oh, and wankers in the UK ruined it by shouting NICE ONE BRUVVA at each other.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, agree with you regarding MoAIM. I didn’t enjoy it anywhere near as much as I did when I was a kid. Chevy Chase is a dick.

      • Droid says :

        It may be the most accurate clubbing movie ever, but I was underwhelmed by it. It may be that it’s very UK, and I saw it before I came over here. And the person that recommended it, who talked it up, had lived in London for three or four years and was also into clubbing. This may be the thing that makes it better.

      • Jarv says :

        I think so.

        It’s totally of it’s time- and is, to be honest, ageing badly. However, as a nostalgia trip it did a great job of catching a time and a place.

        The Star Wars bit in it is hilarious, though. Yoda’s been on a comedown for 700 years.

    • Droid says :

      Weekend recap…

      Hot to Trot… Bobcat befriends a fucking horse with the voice of John Candy. Dabney Coleman with a mouthful of fake chompers (meant to make him look like a horse). Virginia Madsen looking thoroughly pissed off at her agent. Complete and utter horseshit (pun intended).
      The Young Poisoners Handbook Good, but really, the guy was a lunatic, poisoning people willy nilly. I expected him to be a bit sneakier.
      Running Scared… Holy shit. This movie is AWESOME. I’m totally surprised at how good this movie is. The only negative thing I can say about it, is it’s centrepiece scene comes about 2/3rds the way through and the film can’t quite match it for the remainder. But that scene (the child murderers) is astonishingly good.
      The Fountain… Second time I’ve seen it. I applaud its ambition, but it doesn’t quite nail it for me.
      Paul… Still fun a second time.
      15 Minutes… Really good. I really like how unashamedly angry it is.
      The Adjustment Bureau… Good. The ending was a bit of a let down, but it’s a well made family friendly thriller.

      Also watched…

      Take Me Home Tonight One of those set in the 80’s, in one night, at a party movies. It was completely bog standard watchable until the moronic ending where Topher Grace takes his long delayed chance on life by getting in a giant metal ball and rolling down a big hill.

      The Eagle Pretty good. Channing Tatum was pretty good (surprisingly). It felt a bit long and was remarkably similar to Centurion, which was better.

      Apart from that, I ploughed through a bunch of White Collar season two. Good light fluffy entertainment that show.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      Oh, ROBOT JOX is just BRILLIANT!! Created a mini-renaissance in low-budget SFX – some genius realised that stop-motion costs very little compared to bluescreen and matte work, so suddenly every Corman / Gordon / Band production was full of giant robots hitting each other. Presumably the early 90s were Tom Bando’s golden years for Big Metal Robots Hitting Each Other ;D

      Great concept too – the idea of international disputes over territory, resources etc being solved in a gladiatorial manner with the best Robot Jox fighting each other in Giant Robots? Hell, THAT is how you govern a country! No wars, no political insanity – just “Whoever fucks the other guy’s shit up gets the island!”. THAT’S the future of politics, fellas.

      • Jarv says :

        Apparently, there’s loads of them.

        Still, I just need to see the first one. Hopefully it will be there tonight.

        The thing about this Yuzna/ Gordon completion idea is that even the worst film so far on either list, Stuck, still had some interesting ideas.

        Edmond is too obviously a play, and fucking contrived at that- but still was quite compelling. Ice Cream Suit is just weird- quite good, but weird.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh and Jox is getting a review. Just for Bando:

        GIANT ROBOTS!!!

  15. Jarv says :

    On 100% Gordon- the following films have been seen by me at some point:

    1. Stuck- shit
    2. Edmond- unsure
    3. Dagon- not great
    4. The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit- weird, unsure
    5. Space Truckers- I like this
    6. Castle Freak- Mint
    7. Fortress- useless but hilarious
    8. From Beyond- Mint
    9. Re-Animator- Mint

    I’m just missing Robot Jox, Dolls, King of the Ants (which I’ve never even heard of) and Pit and the Pendulum.

    On 100% Yuzna- the following have been seen by me at some point:

    1. Beyond Re-Animator- Good
    2. Faust: Love of the Damned- HIlariously awful.
    3. The Dentist 2- Crap
    4. The Dentist- mediocre
    5. Return of the Living Dead 3- I remember this being good, but Jonah says it’s shit.
    6. Bride of Re-Animator- Awesome
    7. Society- Awesome.

    What’s worrying me is that the remaining Yuzna films are: Progeny, Rottweiler, Beneath Still Waters, and Amphibious 3D- all of which you can guarantee will be crap aside from Progeny, which has an outside chance at awesome.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      I’ve seen more of these movies than I thought – excellent!

      SPACE TRUCKERS is massively under-rated. I always thought the monsters looked like more lithe versions of that Satan thing at the end of SPLIT SECOND, and the two sit well together in the same deranged universe, but putting Dorff and Hopper together is inspired, there’s some great gags about the nature of trucking (livestock transportation has been improved since genetically engineered square pigs were created – WTF??) and the whole thing hangs together really well. Definitely one for Drunken Cinema.

      As for PROGENY… You have Arnold Vosloo, and you have alien invasion on a micro-budget. By Gordon. Of COURSE it’s awesome!!

      Well, I enjoyed it, anyway..

      • Jarv says :

        Progeny is Yuzna. Who’s much more patchy than Gordon.

        Honestly, that Faust Mess is indescribably stupid. Mrs. Jarv was making the Loser hand gesture at the screen every time he showed his plastic demonic arse. Still, I didn’t know it was a Superhero adaptation, so full marks for doing one full of boob, gore and swearywords.

        The big orgy at the end is completely inexplicable. Combs was good, and the bird that played Jade was hot (British Actress in About a Boy).

        There’s mucho boob, S&M lesbianage, sex, gore, unintentional comedy and it would be PRIME drunken cinema material, were it not for the hideous Thrash Metal soundtrack that really fucks the film up. I’d like to see it with a proper orchestral score.

      • Jarv says :

        As for PROGENY… You have Arnold Vosloo, and you have alien invasion on a micro-budget. By Gordon. Of COURSE it’s awesome!!

        Wait, shit- I’ve seen that. Now you describe it. Still, I can’t remember it, so I’d best rewatch it.

  16. Jarv says :

    2 Things.

    Work supplied free delicious croissants for my Breakfast because I had to take photos in the rain on Friday.


    As it’s the week before payday so we’re all skint, shall we resurrect Drunken Cinema for Friday/ Saturday? It’s Split Second this time.

  17. Droid says :

    Christ, Pirates 4 has made $208m in the US and $678m overseas! $678m!!!

  18. Xiphos0311 says :

    Jade was hot (British Actress in About a Boy).

    Hugh Grant?

    • Jarv says :

      Yikes. Disturbing.

      No: Isabel Brook.

      Played the single mother, I think. Anyway, you would- but she doesn’t get the goods out.

      More to the point- Mònica Van Campen (I did google for an image and it flashed up nudity, so I closed it sharpish)- seems to be allergic to clothing in the film.

  19. Frank Marmoset says :

    Morning, folks.

    Seen this weekend:

    Paul – Pretty good.

    Source Code – Liked it very much.

    Pulse – Review coming soon.

  20. Xiphos0311 says :

    What I watched this weekend, nothing. However I did watch an Afghani horse race which turned into a knife fight between warring clans. Good times.

    • Jarv says :


      Are you back in the Middle East again, then? There’s a really patronising BBC documentary that’s meant to be “about the troops, by the troops” being shown at the moment. It’s almost insulting in how condescending it is.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Most “documentaries” about troops no matter if they are by “troops” are at best condescending most are down right vile. I am however featured in 3 BBC doc and by featured I mean I am in the background. The funniest one is we were boarding a helo for a day trip and some mortar rounds came in and the BBC presenter ducked and cringed and we all laughed at him, nobody but the camera crew and the presenter flinched. The incoming rounds were a good 50 meters off at least.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s the one, I think.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Really? I think that one was from like 2003 and they are still showing it? that’s odd since it wasn’t that good. The other ones I was in I was just standing around until I noticed the camera and moved.

      • Jarv says :

        No, then- it’s a “new” one. They’re clearly just recycling the same material. For a change.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        were the BBC following American or English troops?

      • Jarv says :

        English. And they’ve given them all a bit of Vox Pop. Or at least they have in the previews I’ve seen. Looks terrible.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        they probably did what documentaries usually do cherry pick the interviews that help them illustrate what ever dumb point they are trying to make. So I would wager they used the almost chav squaddies or a braggart or something along those lines instead of the quite plain spoken competent intelligent soldier that makes ups the bulk of English and American armed forces.

      • Jarv says :

        Dunno- I’ve been avoiding it. It’s meant to be telling about the “real” Helmand province or whatever the fucking shithole is called.

        I loathe the BBC nowadays.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I loath all news vendors and Helmand is not as bad as it’s made out to be.True I would rather be up higher in the mountains since the weather is marginally better but it’s not as bad as it’s made out to be down there either.

      • Jarv says :

        Take your word for it. Looks to me like the whole country is a shithole.

        Which is unsurprising, given its history.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Afghanistan can be quite lovely bordering stunning in some places but you only see the really shitty parts. I’ve noticed that the Documentaries and Newscast slant pictures to make it seem worse then it is.

      • Jarv says :

        I remember seeing something about Ethopia on the same lines as well. It’s all about having a “hook” for your “story”.

        Story is the appropriate word, really. Not “account” or certainly not “factual representation”.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        I’ve been in Ethiopia, a couple of years ago, that place is a shit hole no argument about that.

  21. Samantha P Marmoset says :

    Hi, Barfy!

    Just stopped by to say hello. Us girls have to stick together, lol!

    Hope you are in good spirits. If you aren’t, just remember – when life hands you lemons, all you have to do is say: “Screw you, Life! I’m a girl, and girls like chocolate, not lemons! Now give some damn chocolate, Life, or I’ll cut your penis off and throw it out a car window!”

    That always works for me. Cute kitten videos are also good.

    See ya, lol!

    • Jarv says :

      What if “life” is female- you know, like “Mother” Nature and whatnot.

    • Barfy says :

      Oh good god, are we the only girls left here? Sisters under the skin Miss Samantha although everyone says you’re the pretty one. 🙂

      Life is pretty damn good so no one with a penis need worry. But if it ever comes up, make mine a chocolate bunny with bourbon on the inside. That’s a can’t miss combo. YEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  22. Droid says :

    Well done to the Dallas Mavericks for beating a team who were blatantly trying to buy their way to a title. Good to see LeBron showed his true colours and played like shit.

  23. Bartleby says :

    Morning all,

    Jarv, I put Stakeland review up[ over at PCN. Check it out. Also, Xi, to answer your question, it comes on dvd in August. Some friends have also suggested it can be ‘acquired’ on the internets.


    Tree of Life review went up too. Was a bitch to write.


    • Jarv says :


      It’s getting shafted in the Cinema- no pun intended.

      I can’t find a listing for it other than that preview on Tuesday.


      • Bartleby says :

        Um, thats why I spent alot of time writing mine. To avoid that claptrap.

        It’s totally subjective. It is a work of art, but not everyone likes art, at the very least, not the same kinds of art.

        Personally., I think you will be bored Jarv. Others, not so much.

        I like Malick though and to me, its the best movie of the year. I think it does alot of things to earn that title (thus far) but that blurb above is incoherent in its raving.

      • Jarv says :

        I find Malick difficult.

        I loved Badlands when I first saw it, ditto Days of Heaven. When The Thin Red Line came out, I was really looking forward to it…

        And fucking hated every moment. I was honestly bored to tears.

        So, thinking it was me being a dick- I gave it another shot. I still wasn’t over the moon, but a vast improvement.

        So, I then went to see The New World, and abso-fucking-lutely despised it. Really, really hated it. Fell asleep, girlfriend woke me up, fell asleep AGAIN, she woke me up again. Felt kind of grubby watching it. Film thankfully ended. Had titanic row in the cinema car park where she went off at me for “dragging her to that tedious, dodgy, overrated, pish, then falling asleep twice”.

        Still, I thought I’d give Tree of Life a shot- with no expectations, but everything I’ve read about it is telling me not to see it.

      • Bartleby says :

        did you read my review? I tried to accurately review it without extreme hyperbole. If you read that and still think ‘ugh’, then don’t go.

        The Guardian is a joke, I woudlnt let that influence you solely.

        I think TOL is closest in content and emotion to Days of Heaven, albeit longer. It’s more ambitious.

        I wasn’t crazy about New World either. I need to rewatch it.

      • Jarv says :


        I think that must be a pig to review, but it hasn’t made me more enthused to see it.

        Also, I do tend to disregard the Guardian comments- they were full of love for Martyrs for example. Wankers, the lot of them.

      • koutchboom says :

        I am just now coming around to getting excited about Tree of Life. I was annoyed that I couldn’t pyshically hear 75% of The Thin Read Line when I saw it (granted I may have been a wee bit too young to “get it”) saw Badlands not that long ago and it didn’t leave much of an impression on me one way or the other, all I recall about it was that the first time I saw Bonnie And Clyde that THAT movie made a much bigger impression on me. BUT then I gots to thinkin how I enjoy such films as Seven Years In Tibet, The Curious Case of Ben Butt, The Ass of Jesse James and Meet Joe’s Black. Annnnd what do all those films have in common? They are all wondering boring films starring Brad Pitt, thats when I realized I like boring films starring Brad Pitt and now all of the sudden I’m excited to see Tree Of Life….but better yet why haven’t I seen A River Runs Through It and Legend’s Of the Bart The Bear?

        Jesus I just realized right now that Tony Hop’s has worked with Bart twice, I wonder if they were good friends off set? And he’s worked with Brad twice as well. I had a teacher that was an extra in Meeting Joe’s Black and he said that Brad was a douche that stayed in his trailer the whole time and Tony was awesome and just hung out on set and jokes with the extras.

      • Jarv says :

        Man, I hate almost all of those films you’ve listed.

      • koutchboom says :

        Well then you my man just don’t get the magic thats in those steely blues.

        I don’t like Troy however? I think that movie was trying to hard.

      • Jarv says :

        Nobody likes Troy.

        It’s shit.

      • Bartleby says :

        yea, it doesnt seem like your kind of movie, no offense intended. Im writing up trollhunter now. I think you will like that one.

      • Jarv says :

        None taken.

        It seems like it will bore me. I don’t like to be bored.

      • Col. Tigh-Fighter says :

        I think I’m the only person in the world who liked Troy. I even own in on DVD.

        Peter O’Toole fucking hated the experience lol

        Oh well. I think it looks purdy, and has some great actors hamming it up, plus a couple of great sword fights in it.

        Not in my top 20, but plenty of fun to watch

      • Jarv says :

        Very possibly.

    • Jarv says :

      This has completely put me off Tree of Life:

      Sirs, have you no sense of decency? The Tree of Life is the universe (majestically created by Malick) away from boring. It it the height, the pinnacle, the zenith of magnificant, spiritual, transcendent awesome in the original sense filmmaking, and so beautiful in its cinematography and composition that your eyes will weep tears of joy. It simply tells nothing short of the meaning of life an has so many religious and philsophical works in it. Remove the picture from the article about dullness. Remove it at once! I am only being emotionally hyperbolic in my mock outrage; everything else is true and well proven. In other words, it’s a bloody great film. (Can you say “bloody” in a British newspaper comments section? Don’t want to get my preaching the word out striked.)

  24. Jarv says :

    In other news…

    Hugh Hefner is to get married to one of his bunnies. The Guardian has gone all hand-wringing and saying “porn is bad” over it.

  25. just pillow talk says :

    I saw the spectrum of movies this weekend…

    The great (The Longest Day), the good (The Square), the meh (The Fog – Carpenter’s), to the downright shit beyond shit (The Last Airbender).

    • Jarv says :

      I like Carpenter’s Fog.

      • just pillow talk says :

        It’s okay. The best part of the movie is the very end when Father Maloney gets his head lopped off.

      • Jarv says :

        Nah- there’s loads of goodness in the fog. Barbeau is great as the DJ, the opening is genuinely eerie. Good film

      • just pillow talk says :

        Yes, in all seriousness, the opening is the best part of the film. The rest of the film cannot match the opening tone of the campfire story. The 3 sailors getting hacked up is effective, but when they go door-to-door knocking, it just gets a bit silly. “Land Shark”.

      • Bartleby says :

        I like Carpenter’s Fog too. It’s not up there with Halloween, The Thing, Big Trouble, or even Starman, but I think it’s about pace with Dark Star, Christine and They Live as good second-tier Carpenter.
        Recently saw a movie that reminded of The Fog, it was that other killer Santa movie…boobs, killer elves, demon santa on undead steed.

        Check it out:

      • Jarv says :

        There’s tiers of Carpenter: Halloween, Big Trouble, The Thing, EFNY at the top. Then a raft of second tier, such as Starman, Christine, Prince of Darkness, Mouth of Madness, They Live, then third tier- which I’d house Assault on Precinct 13, The Fog, and a few others.

        Man, what a filmography. Pity he’s been crap for a while now.

      • Bartleby says :

        reminds me I have to write-up the Ward…not looking forward to that.

      • Jarv says :

        Everyone I know that’s seen it says it’s alright, but not Carpenter at his best. A continuation of the “meh to shit” streak he’s on and it could literally have been made by anyone.

        Which reminds me. I’ve got to watch Giallo. That may well be my next on-line temper tantrum.

      • Bartleby says :

        EONY is a top tier, but I’d say so is Starman. It’s really good for what it is, and that movie would have been a complete maudlin failure directed by almost anyone else at that time.

        Id drop Prince and Mouth to the third tier, and keep Fog second. Escape from L.A. is third tier if you ask me.

        Village of Damned, Ghost of Mars, Memoirs, McWeeny’s crap, Body Bags.

        I’d put Black Moon Rising in there, but its only a script he sold after Dark Star and not something he actually made.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s fair enough. Still though- 1 are classic and 2 and 3 are very good. Frank didn’t like Starman as I remember.

      • Droid says :

        The Ward is meh. Could’ve been made by anyone.

      • Bartleby says :

        I dont think I can call Ward ‘alright’ because its so aggressively average that its actually sad to think Carpenter made it. Drouid is right It could have been made by anyne, but this isnt that slightly positive ‘it could have been made by anyone’ that suggests the director got served a freebie. Its the one that means, an inconic director got ahold of this and didnt even try to do anything with it. He just smoked his way through it.

        It honestly reminds me of an episode of Goosebumps if it had been written by Richard Matheson after a lobotomy.

      • Jarv says :

        Need to see it.

        It’s all I’m lacking for 100% Carpenter.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, have you seen Giallo?

  26. Bartleby says :

    I’ve not yet seen Giallo. It’s been sitting here with me for over a year, but Brody’s lapse in genre judgment last year made me hold back. Im also one who finds Argento generally overrated. I hated that Mother of Tears thing.

    • Jarv says :

      Mother of Tears is mostly rubbish, but has a flat-out hilarious ending.


      That’s not gratuitous or anything.

      • Bartleby says :

        the hilariousness doesnt make up for the awfulness, and its creepy how the dude films his daughter.

        Jarv, where do you stand on Argento? Giallo is all that prevents me from being 100% Argento, and I just don’t like him very much.

        He hasnt made anything I’d call a classic

      • koutchboom says :

        His Phantom of the Opra looked funny. I’ve always been meaning to check out a few Argento films.

      • Jarv says :

        Koutch- Argento only has a few that are worth watching:

        Suspiria, Deep Red, Tenebrae. The rest are missable for being varying degrees of dreadful. MoT has some laughs in it and lots of gratuitous nudity, Phantom is hilariously dimwitted.

        Overall though, most of them b-l-o-o-o-o-w.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah Suspiria is the one I keep meaning to see. I always confuse it with Spellbound for some reason. Dali didn’t have anything to do with Suspiria did he?

      • Jarv says :

        Suspiria is a classic.

        I’ve seen quite a lot of them, and for the most part think they suck. Tenebrae and Mother of Tears rise above the dross, Suspiria is excellent, everything else? Not so much.

        What’s that bloody awful one with his daughter in it where she’s meant to be slavic and the perv filmed her in the shower?

      • Jarv says :

        Trauma. Crap film.

        Fuck me! I’m nearly 100% Argento and I think most of it is crap. God, I do inflict some shite on myself.

      • Jarv says :

        Although I do have to say I much prefer Argento’s phantom to the Butler singing one.

      • Bartleby says :

        let me adjust that. I really like Deep Red.

      • Bartleby says :

        Suspira is fun, buy vastly overrated. It feels classic, up to a point, but I don’t think there’s a smuch to it as everyone suggests.

        Deserving of a watch, no doubt. But take the classic talk with a grain of salt.

        Fulci is even more dodgy than Argento.

      • Jarv says :

        Fulci. Yuck.

        I’ve seen far too many of them to be healthy, and The Black Cat (which may or may not be Mittens the Ghost Cat in a prior life) is one of the worst films I saw last year.

        Suspiria is classic- visually stupendous and I love the sound in it. Alright, it’s flimsy, and the acting is dodgier than one of Koutch’s Visit’s to the Zoo, but it’s still excellent. Easily the best thing he’s done.

  27. Bartleby says :

    Phantom of Opera is awful, and hilarious in its awfulness. Erik is psychic, not disfigured, porks Christine, and puts rats in his trousers. He was afterall, seemingly raised by the rats.

    Upside: Midget decapitation.

  28. Jarv says :

    Good Old Fashioned AICN flame war…

    On Politics! It’s not as amusing as it used to be, though.


    PS- does anyone actually think Obama doesn’t have a US birth certificate?

  29. Jarv says :


    Started assembling The Birthday Series, and am horrified that the second one (1979) has Olivia Newton John in it. It sounds hideous.

    • Jarv says :

      Fuck me. And Cliff Richard too.

      I’ve got a horrid feeling it’s a musical.

    • Bartleby says :

      Xanadu Jarv? Oh god. Good luck with that tripe. It’s the movie that inspired them to make the Razzies. really.

      Uggh…give up now.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s a real bastard. 3 of the first 5 are nailed on classics – the fourth Conti described as “a treat”. Just that one ruins an otherwise easy start.

      • Jarv says :

        There’s some fucking dogs on that list though:

        Teaching Mrs. Tingle, Dirty dancing, Xanadu, Bring it On, My Boss’ Daughter, Cal (which I’ve never even heard of), Something called Fire and Ice, The Cave, and Exorcist: The Beginning.

      • Barfy says :

        Xanadu is bad but my uncle did make up on it.

      • MORBIUS says :

        Hiya Barfy,

        Perchance, did your uncle get to powder ONJs bottom?

  30. koutchboom says :


  31. Droid says :

    I’m gobsmacked at you lot. I’ve just got back from X-Men Begins. It’s borderline crap. I say borderline, because it’s saved by Fassbender and Bacon. The kids are all fucking terrible. And the ex Mrs Draper is horrendous. Vaughn obviously knows this and dresses her in outfits that jam her tits up. Apart from the central Magneto/Shaw revenge plot, there’s nothing of interest. It has moments, I’ll give it that. All to do with the aforementioned revenge plot. The best scene being Fassbender vs Submarine #1. Also Fassbender vs Argentina Nazis was good too. But those are both in the much better first half of the film. I felt sorry for McAvoy. He clearly got the dud character. What a boring, smug douchenozzle. Bacon is hilarious, and at least seems to be having a good time, and his denouement is good. There’s a good cameo that is ruined by the camera hanging on him far, far too long. We get it. That’s him. Well done. Move on. But that’s about it. The rest is usual X-Men gay allegory claptrap about the choice between conformity and being yourself. It’s far too saddled with tying in to the later films. It’s all Iron Man 2 style set-up for more films. Seriously, if it wasn’t for Fass and Bacon I’d give it about 1/2 a chang. As it stands, it falls perfectly into the X-Men series. It defines mediocrity. I’m very surprised at the nut rubbing this movie is getting. Makes me look forward to Green Lantern all the more. 1 1/2 Changs.

  32. Jarv says :

    Just watched Return of the Living Dead 3 again. Decided that I’m going to complete the whole series- as I’m now 3 down on it.

    Aside from that the main character is the stupidest person ever to appear in a zombie movie, and that, well, fuck continuity, it’s actually quite good. It doesn’t really work as a ROTLD film- and an awful lot hangs on Zombie Julie, but she is a spectacular movie monster.

  33. Droid says :

    In other news, I finally got confirmation of my Visa today. Pretty fucking timely because my current one expires in two days.


  34. Lord Bronco says :

    Faust-Jeex have I actually seen that movie?!? I still have some of the original comic books-they are infamous for being well-drawn and full of violence and buggery-literally. In the comics-Faust/Jaspers wasn’t a demon-he was a wolverine/superhero-except he would use his claws and just mess dudes up. essentially, it was an NC-17 take on what if wolverine actually used his claws on people schtick-unstead of stabbing robots and stuff. Oh yeah, I think there was penis decapitations and whatnot-it was quite silly.

  35. Jarv says :

    ROTLD 3 review up tomorrow AM.

    I suppose I should do Faust tomorrow Evening.

  36. Lord Bronco says :

    Hmm-just read the first 100 pages of Ice-T’s new memoir “Ice”. I was frankly blown away. He has a co-author, but it’s worth reading just for his military stories alone, not to mention the the real skinny on how the gangbanging scene actuallly mutated from fairly harmless schenanigans to all out urban warfare.

    I’m not a drooling fan boy by any means-I like a couple of his early albums but am not much of a rap guy-I just know how funny he is on twitter.

    I always figured he was a middle class writer type who was exaggerating/making up exploits….

    Ends up not at all-It was very interesting-highly recommneded.

    • Jarv says :

      I’ve read “have gun will travel” about the West Coast. Good book- bunch of fraud’s and Wankers for the most part

      • Lord Bronco says :

        Never run across that book-but this one was interesting. It posits how a middle class young guy could suddenly be at ground zero because he was transplanted at exactly the right time and place to see it happen.

        Race relations in America may never get much better than they are now, but i always wondered how the fuck could it mutate to running machine gun street battles, and this book actually answers that question very succinctly

        I always actually thought Ice t was a fraud and a wanker, but for the first time i can see how it actually could and did happen.

        One of the last things i saw in Seattle before I bailed back to hobbiton was a car that unloaded full auto assault rifle on the West Seattle Freeway into another vehicle killing 4 occupants.

        I wasn’t there, but I read that in the newspapers.

        I heard of multiple gun battles in Tacoma on Hilltop, to the point where the cops simply wouldn’t even show up no matter what happened.

        hell, I’ve heard of similar, much lower key incidents locally from credible sources.

        The machine battles basically peaked in the late 1990s, btw, and while there is and always be violent crime in USA, it was kind of like peering into a door where it was at the height of insanity, from an intelligent guy who happened to be there.

        If I was teaching children these days, i would make the book mandatory reading for any American citizen to read-it actually isn’t preachy at all.

        I could never quite grasp, anthropologically how open warfare could spring up so virulently, regardless of race, but now I do actually think I have a better idea.


  37. Jarv says :

    Last Night had a pretty rubbish night’s viewing:

    ROTLD 3: good

    The second half of Into the Mirror: SHIT

    Premonition: A weapons-grade Orangutan of Doom/ Angry Ape turd of a film starring Academy Award Winner Sandra Bullock and a script written by a Rhesus Monkey on crack.

    • Droid says :

      Last night…

      X-Men: Wank

      Rum and cokes to celebrate the cunts at the home office getting off their asses and rubber stamping my visa.

      • Jarv says :

        Rum and cokes to celebrate the cunts at the home office getting off their asses and rubber stamping my visa.

        Ungrateful fecker.

      • Droid says :

        Fuck off. It’s a fucking joke that I had to reapply with all the documentation (which had to be sent from Australia!), when a simple fucking rubbber stamped renewal should suffice. Horrendous, time consuming, resource draining, bureaucratic horseshit. Not to mention the fuckwits charged me nearly £600 all up.

      • Droid says :

        Christ, are you being dense on purpose this morning?

      • Jarv says :

        Posted early by accident. Then forgot what I was going to write as I was on the phone with an arsehole journalist.

        It was something along the lines of impoliteness when they’ve been nice enough to issue it, regardless of idiotic red tape which comes naturally to them being sponging arseholes.

        Can’t really remember though.

      • Droid says :

        Hey! Don’t delete shit! Now I look like like a nutjob. I’ve worked hard to keep that underwraps.

      • Jarv says :

        A doomed endeavour.

  38. Jarv says :

    I’m going to bring this up again:

    It’s the week before Payday- so we’re all relatively skint. Mrs. Jarv has gone on an inexplicable diet that I don’t really understand. Something about jump-starting her metabolism.

    As a result, I’m staying in Friday night.

    Anyone want to do a Drunken Cinema?

  39. Lord Bronco says :

    Droid-I’m glad you got your Visa renewed-it sounds like you are doing well in london or wherever.

    I live in a spot where I can hunt deer with a hangun, and it is bollocks.

    • Droid says :

      Cheers LB. It’s okay here as long as you avoid certain areas of North London.

      People hunt deer with handguns?

    • Lord Bronco says :

      No Sir, we don’t and shouldn’t hand gun hunt deer.

      I’m just saying you *could*.

      It’s illegal inside of city limits.

      Up the mountain in BLM land-you can blast away-but there are hunting seasons.

      The rutting bastard deer wander around in the backyards eating any flowers you planted in spring, so it’s a sore temptation to ram them with vehicles, because venision is tasty.

      Most of the boring, dying retired cunts who live around here drive monster SUVs exactly because of this reason.

      It’s tedious, I tell you.

    • Lord Bronco says :

      Our dams are at 240% capacity, to the point where we might lose one or two-destroying communities along the way.

      We are probably fine, or can warn people to move ahead of time, and i am not complaining about any abundance of natural resources, but the weather has been well and truly fucked the last couple of years.

      I’m an engineering student-so I always point out that the proper term is global weather adjustment-not warming or cooling.

      It will continue to wreak mayhem like you haven’t ever imagined on old school cities.

      USA lost most of New Orleans recently-just wait until Miami, Seattle or New York gets wiped.

      Venice, Italy-Gone.

      Last year, 2 Tornadoes touched down in New York Harbor-killed one gal.

      We just had tornadoes in Massachusetts-killed 4 people.

      Now unlike ghosts and UFOs and other such bullshit this happened in last 3 months-so it’s an empirical fact.

      For once I’m not some random nutcase blathering on internet.

      My point, London is a flood zone because of river Themes.

      You guys don’t get much in the way of earthquakes, but be aware that you may get hit by tornadoes.

      So Figure out where the Parking garages are-that kind of shit.

      People in wherever it was America were literally getting sucked up their chimneys through their own hearths because they didn’t hear the air raid sirens, and the season is just beginning.

      Hmm, that’s cheery news, isn’t it.

      I’m just saying be safe and know exactly where to grab wifey and run-there will be a high ground place, and a low ground place.

      Low Ground is an enclosed cellar(tornado)-High ground Parking garage (flood).

      Good news is-you won’t get both at same time.

      Cheers, Mates!

      • Droid says :

        Not to downplay your advice there, LB. But if London shows signs of flooding, I’m stocking up on BIG FUCKING GUNS because I know that a flooded London precipitates an attack by a giant rat monster who may or may not be Satan.

      • Jarv says :

        Yeah, but if he shows up then SATAN’S IN DEEP SHIT

      • Droid says :

        I’ll also start calling rottweilers “dickhead”.

      • Jarv says :

        And learn to live on Cigars, Chocolate, coffee and anxiety.

      • Droid says :

        And learn to live on Cigars, Chocolate, coffee and anxiety.

        Replace cigars and chocolate with Ciggies and Pistachio Nuts and I’m already there.

      • Jarv says :

        Pistachio Nuts

        Nut snob. What’s wrong with the humble peanut?

      • Droid says :

        Peanuts are a good, solid, honest nut. I like them just fine, don’t get me wrong. But fucking hell, when I get my hands on a pack of pistachio nuts I’m like a crack addict. More, more, more!

      • Jarv says :


        You take your champagne socialist nut….

        Actually, nuts are something that I’ve never had an opinion about. If they’re on a bar, then I’ll eat them, but I don’t think I’ve ever actually voluntarily bought a pack for myself.

      • Droid says :

        Bar nuts? No thankyou. You never know what urine soaked fingers swirl around a bowl of bar nuts.

      • Jarv says :

        Admittedly, I can’t think of the last time I was standing at a bar with nuts on it. I was thinking of the posh wine bar that I used to go to in Sheffield when I was visiting my parents about 10 years ago.

        Fucking place was always empty so if you were standing at the bar, then no bugger had touched the nuts. They were Cashews.

  40. Jarv says :

    Got a fucking horrendous afternoon ahead.

    A one-on-one with my director (a hideous woman that looks like the Predator after a crash course in anorexia).

    Then I’ve got a “policy review”. I’m not sure what this means.

    Fucking hell. May have to go to the pub after all these wankers have had a piece of me. To misquote someone- Tout le monde mange et je suis le dîner.

    Bollocks to this. It’s a nice day. I could be sitting in a beer garden instead.

  41. just pillow talk says :

    Watched True Grit last night…eh, it was okay. I seriously don’t see any greatness in it, but whatever. I will say the girl was quite good in it.

    And with this fucking rain, the commute fucking sucked this morning. And now I’m at work. Bah!

    • Jarv says :

      That’s another one I’ve no interest in…

      I must be getting really picky as I get old.

      • Droid says :

        I must be getting really picky as I get old.

        Let me just take a gander at the last few reviews you posted…

        Return of the Living Dead 3
        Castle Freak
        Beyond Re-Animator
        Night of the Demons
        From Beyond
        The Burning

        hmmm… If this is picky, then I feel sorry for Mrs Jarv.

      • Jarv says :


        Return of the Living Dead 3- Good (She enjoyed it more than me, actually)
        Castle Freak- Very Good
        Society- Awesome
        Beyond Re-Animator- Good
        Martyrs- Crap, but I was dispelling the nonsense.
        Night of the Demons- Awesome
        From Beyond- Awesome
        The Burning- meh.

        That’s a pretty good streak, actually.

        Although I did mean about films released recently- with the exception of Martyrs, the rest of them are all over 10 years old.

      • Droid says :

        No, you’ll just see it in a few years once it’s on tv or something.

      • Jarv says :

        Sure. Probably.

        What I mean is that I won’t be going out of my way to see it. If I blunder across it in Lovefilm’s Watch Now pile in a year or two, then I might- but even then I’d be surprised because Mrs. Jarv despises Westerns. Seriously, the only one she likes is Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

        I’ve got weirdly picky about “new” films that I’d have to make an effort to see. Hence why I ducked X-Men recently, and Priest (although the fussiness there was because it was only in 3D).

      • Jarv says :

        And conversely, I went miles out of my way to get stomped on by Norwegian Wood.

      • Jarv says :

        I really want to go and see Green Lantern. It looks epic in its stupidity.

        Mrs. Jarv is being snippy about it. So I’m trying to despatch her off to see Bridesmaids with a mate’s missus, while me and him go to see GL.

      • Droid says :

        Well most of the movies I see are only because I have the card. The cinema’s far too exensive to go willy nilly.

        I’ll see GL this weekend. Good to see you’re finally on the bandwagon.

      • Jarv says :

        I’ve been on it since that snotty Guardian article about imagining a big gun instead of intergalactic peace or whatever the fuck it was.

        That’s the thing- if I had a card, I’d probably go more often. Just I have to really want to see something to make the effort nowadays.

        And when it comes to Lovefilm, there’s so much I want to see that I’ve missed over the years so I don’t tend to add new stuff until a good chunk has come off.

        In other news:


        A black batman? In an imaginary African city? That’s a heinous idea.

      • Jarv says :

        I also want to see Stake Land but can’t find a listing for it.

        And it’s cricket season, so I’m just as likely to park myself in front of the Test match all weekend.

      • Jarv says :

        Also, Tom Cruise is going to play Jack Reacher according to the Guardian. That’s impossibly stupid.

      • Droid says :

        Never heard of Jack Reacher.

      • Jarv says :

        He’s in the Lee Child’s novels that Xi hates.

        I’ve only read the first one, and it was a reasonably entertaining piece of airport fiction stupidity. However, following from what Xi wrote, it did take massive liberties with reality.

    • Droid says :

      True Grit’s a solid movie. Solid acting, solid directing, solid writing etc etc etc. It’s unremarkable in it’s solidity.

      • Jarv says :

        Not just a clever name then?

      • just pillow talk says :

        And yet not a memorable movie. At all. So after watching almost every single nominated movie, I’m come to the conclusion that they don’t know what the fuck they are doing. Instead of expanding it to ten, they should have shrunk it to like 3. Fuck, there’s not many, if any, great movies out there. But it is solidly more entertaining than The King’s Speech.

      • Droid says :

        Haven’t seen Winters Bone and Kids are alright, but of the others there’s a bunch of hideously overrated movies. Three I rate highly though.

      • Jarv says :

        My best of 2011 is going to be pathetic. At the moment there’s Animal Kingdom and Norwegian Wood that have UK 2011 releases. Oh, and I think the Girl that shagged the beehive or whatever it was called was UK 2011.

        That’s a crap film, by the way.

      • Droid says :

        My best of 2011 will be AWESOME!

        Because sitting atop at this point in time is Fast Five.


        It would be hilarious if that was my number one movie of 2011.

      • Jarv says :

        You do seem to have seen a lot of disappointing stuff- Wasn’t The Black Swan UK 2011?

      • Droid says :

        Both Animal Kingdom and Black Swan are 2010. They’re on my 2010 list.

      • Jarv says :

        Shame. Both were Jan 2011 in the UK.

        They’ll probably go on my list when I do it.

      • just pillow talk says :

        That’s still better than half of the 2010 nominated films.

        I can’t remember, who saw Black Death here? I’ve got that at home which I’ll watch tonight…

      • just pillow talk says :

        I liked Inception and Black Swan probably the best of the nominated movies.

      • Jarv says :

        Not going a bundle on inception. I really think the marriage counselling during the heist hurts it badly.

      • Jarv says :

        Probably a mistake rewatching it so soon after first viewing.

  42. Bartleby says :

    See Green Lantern tomorrow night. I too am looking forward to it.

    I have a sneaking suspicion it might finally be the movie to nail the comic book movie. I don’t mean superhero–as Batman and Spiderman (the good ones) had to pull back from the comics to really work–but capturing the world of a comic as it exists on the page and transplanting it to a movie screen.

    • just pillow talk says :

      I have to agree with pretty much everyone here that GL does look to be the most fun to be had at a cinema during the summer.

      And while watching the previews before True Grit, I cringed yet again after seeing the teaser trailer for the third Transformers movie, which opens in less than a month.

    • koutchboom says :

      Man I have a feeling that Green Lantern may be the bomb of the summer, I’m getting too much of a Speed Racer vibe, there doesn’t seem to be much anticipation.

      Personally I can’t wait, but I don’t know if I want to see it in 3D or not? HOPEfully its good enough to warrent two viewings.

  43. Droid says :

    2011 so far…

    The Green Hornet
    The Way Back
    The Eagle
    The Adjustment Bureau
    Fast Five

    Season of the Witch
    Drive Angry 3D
    Battle: Los Angeles
    Source Code

    The Mechanic
    I Am Number Four
    Hall Pass
    Take Me Home Tonight
    Scream 4
    Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
    X-Men: First Class

    • Jarv says :

      I thought the Green Hornet was meant to be crap?

      Did you watch Drive Angry in 3D?

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, I had to. Thats the last non IMAX 3D I ever see.

        I know people don’t like Green Hornet, but I really enjoyed it.

      • Jarv says :

        It’s funny, you’ve got X-Men at the bottom, which pretty much gets a universally hand-job and GH at the top which everyone seems to hate.

      • Jarv says :

        You clearly need to review X-men.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, I was actually thinking about this last night. I seem to be going against a lot of the general consensus lately. I really liked movies like GH, A-Team, PoP and Knight and Day and didn’t like movies most people loved, like X-Men, Source Code, and The Expendables.

      • Jarv says :

        PoP is getting worse in my mind every time I think about it,and weirdly I can’t recall anything specific at all.

        Films where you seem to be really out of step are GH, The Fighter, X-Men. Aside from that, you don’t exactly explode in your pants over the others mentioned or rile up with pure hatred for the likes of Season of the Witch.

      • Droid says :

        BTW, that list isn’t in order. X-Men isn’t the crappest movie on there. I’d actually rate it one of the better crap ones.

      • Jarv says :

        I know. I was just being lazy. Film of the Year for you so far is Fast 5 which is astonishing.

      • Droid says :

        I think what I look for now in a blockbuster movie is fun. I can forgive a lot of things if it’s a fun movie. For me, PoP was fun. Sure, it’s not a great movie, but I enjoyed it a lot. Same with GH.

      • Jarv says :

        The thing I found with PoP is that it was boring and soulless. I was honestly bored watching Princess Tangerine and whatshisname wonder around bickering. I thought Kingsley was crap, Coyle wasted and Molina ditto.

        The whole thing with the mystic assassins was dismal and I violently objected to the magic reset button.

      • Droid says :

        hehe None of that bothered me. I liked it.

      • Jarv says :

        You need to watch this one again. I’ve come out of films thinking that they were really quite good then rewatched them and realised that I was utterly wrong and they blow.

        I very rarely go the other way.

      • just pillow talk says :

        I have The Way Back and The Green Hornet coming up as the next couple of movies in my queue. Really want to see The Way Back, sounds pretty good.

      • Droid says :

        I know that I won’t enjoy it as much the second time around. So I think I’ll stay just the way I am at this point. Maybe in a year or two I’ll give it another look.

      • Jarv says :

        Did you see it in the cinema?

        Because I’m wondering if the big screen helped it.

      • Droid says :

        The Way Back is very good.

      • koutchboom says :

        The Way Back is perfect.

      • Droid says :

        No, I saw it at home. And I actually think that helped, because I watched it on a sunday arvo, with no expectations.

      • Jarv says :

        I saw it at home on Saturday Noon-ish with no expectations.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, but you hating it was predetermined. It was written in the stars.

      • Jarv says :

        Not at all. I’d actually forgotten it existed for the most part.

      • Droid says :

        You may have, but the stars remember everything.

      • Jarv says :

        I wish this cow would hurry up and call. I’m getting wound up.

      • Jarv says :

        Fucking hell. I wish she hadn’t called now.

  44. Droid says :

    Is it wrong that I’m starting to get curious about seeing Splice again?

    • Jarv says :


      (I had the same urge the other day).

      Koutch watched it recently. See what he thought.

      • Droid says :

        It’s such a moronic curiosity. I know it’s shit. I know rewatching it will just confirm its shitness. There’s loads of movies I should watch instead, yet here I am. Curious about watching Splice again.

      • Bartleby says :

        I don’t mean to sound offensive, but I don’t think asking Koutch is a surefire way to ensure it’s safe.

      • koutchboom says :

        Heheheh haven’t watched it yet!

        I did watch MacGrubber again and I can say its not safe to watch that again. Not even with herbal remedies.

      • koutchboom says :

        BUT also remember I have 0 expectations going into Splice, and I didn’t really love the last two Nati Lite movies I saw (Nothing and Cypher). Didn’t hate Cypher are anything just didn’t love it.

      • Jarv says :

        He is.

        Koutch is a contrarian (see the feet discussions in Black Swan). If he thinks it’s gash, then it’s confirmation, as he’ll find something weird to dislike about it. If he thinks it’s great- paradoxically, it will also be gash, because he’ll find some weird reason for it being great that runs against all logic.

      • koutchboom says :

        Bahahahah fuck you, I’ve explained why Black Swan is crap. The shit with the ballet is just the icing on the cake for that film. I mainly hate it because it goes nowhere, she starts and ends the movie crazy there is no build no suspense its boring and lame. If you paid attention to what I write you’d understand that.

        The whole ballet stuff was just going against all those claims that where made about how HARD she trained and how that was a majority of her Oscar run.

      • Jarv says :

        Well, I’m getting it soon. So we can reopen that can of lovely worms when I name it BEST FILM OF 2011.


      • koutchboom says :

        Did you finally watch it?

      • Jarv says :

        Next up from Lovefilm.

        The dumb thing is, we’ve already had it once, and Mrs. Jarv sent it back by accident.

      • koutchboom says :

        Cool, if you and Mrs. Jarv have different reactions you should do some sort of he said she said review of it.

      • Droid says :

        MacGruber’s fucking awful the first time around.

    • Bartleby says :

      Don’t do it. I did, thinking your stuffy britness had poisoned me. No way.

      That’s one dog you called right-on from the get-go.

      That being said, Green Hornet is a damn mess. I liked the car chase towards the end though. And X-Men is pretty good UNTIL it tries too hard to match up to the old movies.

      I’m mostly in agreement on your list, except I’d move Paul and Scream 4 to mediocre, SOTW and GH to crap,and Source Code and X-Men to the good.

      We aren’t all supposed to agree, but your tastes don’t look alarmingly strange.

      • Droid says :

        Christ. I am neither “stuffy” nor do I contain any trace of “britness”. I am not an inbred, hygiene challenged layabout.

        The first half of X-Men would almost fall in good. It’s the second half that pulls it down to crap. Up until the “putting the team together” scenes, I was going with it.

      • Jarv says :


        How rude. Don’t be associating a morally, physically and intellectually challenged convict with us.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Dirty bastard, yes. Stuffy, no.

      • Bartleby says :

        hey it’s all good, afterall we have Tin-Tin to look forward to.

      • Jarv says :

        That, on the other hand, is something I’ve already made my mind up about. I should probably just avoid it.

      • Jarv says :

        Have you seen Mother’s Day?

      • Droid says :

        I know you’re doing this on purpose, but it’s Tintin!!!! It’s not two seperate “Tin”s connected with a -.

      • Jarv says :

        or even TinTin.

      • Droid says :

        Don’t you start!

      • Bartleby says :

        damn, that’s twice in the same thread, it’s too easy…

      • Droid says :

        I saw Mothers Day available to acquire about 6 weeks ago and joked to the better half about making her watch some DTV horror crap. A couple of weeks later it was in the cinema. How the fuck did that get a cinema release when movies like Centurion and Solomon Kane get shafted?

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck knows. See also Stake Land is getting a rooting.

      • Bartleby says :

        Mother’s Day is awful garbage. There’ something hideous sounding coming out here called Kidnapped, that I actually refused to go to the screening.

        And this Troma Father’s Day thing? That’s gonna be swill as well.

        Im tired of human misery for the sake of itself. Uggh.

      • Droid says :

        Count me out…

        KIDNAPPED isn’t an easy watch. Its carnage (the blood and gore FX are seamless and stunning throughout) and nihilistic nature will turn some off; there isn’t much reprieve, and many will find the film mean-spirited and unrelenting. Speaking for myself, it’s been a long time since I looked through my fingers at what was up on the screen. KIDNAPPED truly is an unforgettable blend of sheer ferocity and genuine terror at what will happen next.

        Thats from the Fangoria review.

      • koutchboom says :

        Yeah the big thing about Kidnapped is that there is only 9 cuts in the whole film.

  45. Droid says :

    Did we all cast our eyes over the trailer for Renny “Werewolves on the Moon (2013)” Harlin’s new movie?

  46. koutchboom says :

    AND speaking of good crazy flicks, Frenzy? Anyone….anyone? Its on this week, is it worth catching?

  47. koutchboom says :

    My best of 2011 is pretty easy so far:

    The Way Back
    Kung Fu Panda 2

    All three of those are great.

    Then Thor? Heheh fuck I haven’t really seen that much this year? Lemme check.

    • koutchboom says :

      Ok here are the rest of the films I’ve seen that I enjoyed and didn’t hate:

      Green Hornet
      Super 8
      The Hangover Part II
      Battle: Los Angeles

      And then there three which were pretty much MEH:
      No Strings Attached
      Gnomeo and Juliet
      The Mechanic

      AND utter shit:

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